May I have your applause please?
May I have your applause please?

Would the new slim lady please come up?
I repeat, would the new slim lady please come up?
I'm handing out gold stars here.

Have you never seen a Weightwatcher before?
Cookies all over the floor,
On that calorie card you should be keeping score,
Welcome to all those who came through the door
Stick with it, you will complete the course!

It's a Weightwatcher: “Ah, wait, the weigh-in's beginning,
she didn't weigh what I though she weighed, did she?”
Look at this new product, “diet bread,”
The packaging is red,
The calories are dead.

Skinny women on the packaging,
Rustle, rustle, rustle,
Meat and gravy - must put a stop to them!
You think you're stuck in a rut,
Well I have news for you,
You'll be minute after you go

You've tried other diets and they've been no use,
you've even tried the steam room,
Sometime's you just want to say “forget about it!” and eat a goose

And Marmite's on your lips!
And Marmite's on your lips!
And to get it open you need to give it a little twist,
I'm here to tell you that it's alright in little bits,
And expect you to know what calories are in this

Losing weight stops divorces,
By the time the bills are paid,
They got the points manual, don't they?
We don't do any annuals,
There are a lot of variables
For dieting, like eating lots of canned goods

Or all the goodness in broccoli and artichokes,
But I admit eating Ryvita is like chewing on rope
But if I lose a lot of weight, I'll get the highest vote,
Wave goodbye to weight as it goes, eat a bowl of Cheerios!

'Cause I'm slim lady (Yes, I'm a real lady)
All you other slim ladies are just ladies in waiting,
So won't the real slim lady please come up,
please come up, please come up? (x2)

Don't make a fuss, you'll be breaking your records,
Well I have, so you can, and you will too!
If you don't want to have a tummy,
Then get off the sofa, come here and follow me

How slim, old eating habits in the bin, they all cheered
Even if you don't live near,
No wine, you need to cut out the beers,
Can't take the lift, I need to go up the stairs

You need your carbs daily, chocolate is the worst,
And put your binge eating in reverse
Running gives you a stitch, but you can't stay sat watching TV
Exercise doesn't have to be like PE

You can download audio and MP3s
You can even get weight-loss on CD
Special K is the substitute for Fruit Loops,
If you have problems just call me,
Lose weight, I implore you!

I cannot dish out this advice for free,
It costs just £20 a month (plus VAT)
Now address this envelope for me,
This diet is the next best thing to having a skinny gene

'Cause I'm slim lady (Yes, I'm a real lady)
All you other slim ladies are just ladies in waiting,
So won't the real slim lady please come up,
please come up, please come up? (x2)

We should be finished by 2, 'cause I'm only giving you
An hour a week inside this church hall meeting room,
The very instance of weight-loss falls if you miss a meeting,
And don't lose weight, it's your loss, fool

Those calories, you don't need it,
And whether you like to eat it, I just lost it,
Don't eat the food out of a can,
Soon you might even swim the channel like David Walliams,

The next meeting is on a Thursday
Can I just ask how many are coming?
I want you to memorise our weight loss slogan:
You need to work hard, and that means no shirking

And every single person is a slim lady waiting
You don't need to eat at Burger King, so spit out those onion rings
Go on ladies, give it all you've got!
I wish you all the best of luck,
Whether you're losing weight or think you're stuck

So, will the slim lady please stand up?
You can't go down, you can only go up!
And be proud to be off the doughnuts and back in control,
Follow the plan, it'll be all worth it, you know

'Cause I'm slim lady (Yes, I'm a real lady)
All you other slim ladies are just ladies in waiting,
So won't the real slim lady please come up,
please come up, please come up? (x4)

Guess there's a slim lady in all of us
Why don't you all come up!