Look, you think you’re …a big shot?
You got the immunity…to diseases your sibs contracted?
One moment!...Are you keeping fit?
You better get hip
Oh! Time to get ready, this weak, see my GP
Been sittin' here 20 minutes already, nurse took BP
I’m nervous, been this way since I have turned 30
I’ve dropped trou, just waiting and fretting
I must calm down, the doc then knocks real loud
And he opens his mouth, “Ooh, your health is in doubt!”
He’s gropin’ now, all over me, pokin’ now
He turns me out, says, “Bend over, cough!”
Draws blood out from me (OW!), don’t prod that into me
“How does that grab you?” he joked
I’m so glad that he’s done, I get so queasy
I must admit he knows my whole health regimen sucks
Don’t need no nips and tucks
“But still fat, don’t drink Coke”
“So much snacks!” Yes I know!
When he sees my cholesterol count, it’s off chart
Back to my home again, Joe
I feel bat-s***ty
I start now to moan and to fret, I hope that it passes
You’re gonna lose your health, you’ll get sick, bad omen
You’ll bite it, life expectancy low
You better get flu shots, your bad habits have to go
Now listen to your MD to increase your lifeline, bro
You’re gonna lose your health, I speak truth, don’t blow it
Now heed it, the prescription you need to know
You are going to pot, hike your pants and go slow
Get some good harmony onto your lifeline, you better!
Better stop smoking, and also hemp toking!
Yo bro, you bet I’m not joking
It just may sting, but you fool you’re getting older
The party life is glowin’, but you gotta stop poppin’ and your snortin’
To walk it gets harder, waistline grows larger
You can’t even touch down to your toes, you can't see ‘em!
As your age grows, you might get the Alzheimers
Bad lymph nodes, and lumbago
Your bones softer, like foam, it’s a bother
You inherited these conditions from your mother
Now blow your nose, argh!!, into your shoulder!
Use Airborn and Vicks, and lots more cold products
And next time this poor guy goes, he groans
Pass stones in his caca!
Then complains he is cold, his poor toes
He checks his old ticker, yup the beats are off
La-dum, la-dum, la dum, dum-dum (Chorus)
Feeling lame, life has changed, turn the big page
Take another look ‘n my mind’s disengaged
I’m’a itchin’ and scratchin’, hope it ain’t mange
Got to chew up the softest food now at this stage
Got phlebitis and bursitis, I get sicker
Please believe me now, my saliva’s gettin’ thicker
I got pains on my left, and my right, down my back
Oh I might get by 'til I’m 45
Please, ‘fore I die I'll say goodbye to my family
Oh man, I’m old man, just Gramps in my diapers
Yes my honey, here’s my will for life, for son and wife
Rip my insurance card, I’m a livin’ effin’ martyr!
Crick in my knees and dental caries, ‘cause
I’m a goner, give it up, and my funeral will be a bother
In my pajamas, papa’s dreaming on
About how he’ll reach Nirvana
Grew liver spots, start to lose all my memory
Got rotten elbow joints, body now will fail
And will I still get it up or not, has my libido got all shot?
Viagra will be a dysfunction option on the spot
Ending the show, I should exercise I know
But getting real old, my teeth will rot
Pick out my fresh grave lot
As nose drips snot and I think I got an edema blood clot!
(Chorus to fade…)