(Intro)
Hi Jared! You're my hero! The Subway Diet has lost more weight for me!
Oh wow...that's nice. Good to see you,
Hey! You want to go to Subway with me?
I mean...I just went there for lunch...
Oh great! I'll see you over there!
*Sigh* right...
Hey Jared!!
Um...hi?
Hi Jared!
Who are...
Hi Jared!
AHH!!!

I press on with this handful of coupons,
And this dietary sub and my inspired fan club,
And they expect me to be the most nicest seller of grub,
And since birth I've been cursed with this curse to loosen my girth,
So when I got old didn't want to be bold so I doled and I strolled till I mold my body to solid gold the best that I could and I told Subway how it enfolded and now I am age-old,
If I lost my chest I'd rest again peacefully,
But atleast have the decency in you,
To leave me alone and let me eat,
Somewhere new and neat,
Other than Subway on the street,
And you all say "hi" and wave at me!
No, I don't know you,
And no, I don't want to get another Subway sub,
I'm not Jenny Craig,
And I'm a tough egg,
But if you beg,
I will bite off your leg,
If you feed me, my tank all full,
I'm chalked full,
I won't take no bull,
Not lettin' that sandwich through my skull,
I don't care what you say,
If you're gay, you crochet,
Write an essay, join PTA, dance me ballet, cancel St. Patrick's Day,
I'm not goin' to Subway,
I don't mean to be lean but that's but that's all that they see is just me,

And I eat,
Wherever I want to eat,
Any restaurant on either side of the street,
On the commercials, the news I look like an athlete,
Just put me there to raise your conceit,

And I am,
Just like an Uncle Sam,
Recruiting overweighties that are in a jam,
Come to Subway, give up your candy n' ham,
All because it's just the weight I am,

Sometimes it just feels like I'm followed,
All because I was hollowed,
It's nonsense,
It's constant,
"Oh, it's my lean hero Jared,
I used to despair,
But now we're a skinny, fit pair",
And all of these crowds now follow me,
And it seems like the media immediately points a sandwich at me,
So I point one back at 'em but not a diet sub from Subway,
And they're all blown away,
I didn't eat there today,
But I don't care,
Why don't they all go away?
So I can eat on the street without the news at my feet,
Without every other person wanting to greet,
And they blame it on Quiznos,
And business,
"Look where was that Jared at?"
And look where I'm at,
Mexican, pastries, Chinese food, popcorn and fish,
Now it's so sad to see,
Me eating at different burrs,
Losing Subway customers,
But I'm glad cuz they feed me sandwich I need for the weight to burn, not return, And it's burnin',

And I lose,
The overweighty blues,
It's all because of the sandwich I choose,
Every day in the commercials, the paper and the news,
Sorry Subway, not helpin' your revenues,

I diagram,
Plan to make fat scram,
And I promise you that it's not a scam,
It worked for me, before and after, it is not a sham,
I don't know it's just the weight I am,

I'm so sick and tired,
Of being admired,
Because my commercials have got them inspired,
And drop from the cable,
Take off my label,
I'm not gonna be able,
To go back unstable,
Ever since then Subway's become a sensation,
Get a constant rotation,
If people station to station,
And I just do not got the patience,
To deal with these cocky Caucasians,
Who think I'm just some junky who only eats subs,
To get rid of my hub,
So they keep giving me the same smile and wave,
"Hi Jared,
Wanna go to Subway again?"
Now why, who, what, when and the where and the how,
Makes you think I wanna go there with you now?
So I'm grabbin' my hear and I'm tearin' it out,
Cuz they're all over me, crazy,
I'm racin' I'm pacin',
Then I sit and I eat,
Now, I'm thankful for every life that I touch,
But I can't do much,
In public without the such and such,
No I won't sign your old pants,
You can call me a junky,
I'm glad,

Cuz my pants are no longer the proper size,
Cuz I gave up the chocolate and the pies,
Now in public, in Subway, I have to wear a disguise,
Cuz I no longer order king size,

Cuz I swam,
And ate all my yams,
Engaged in exercise and weight loss programs,
Now I hide like I was on the lam,
All because it's just the weight I am.