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Song Parodies -> "If There Really Was A God"

Original Song Title:

"If I Only Had A Brain"

Original Performer:

Wizard of Oz - The Scarecrow

Parody Song Title:

"If There Really Was A God"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

If there really was a God as described in the bible... then surely things would not be as they are: for a start, how on earth could there possibly be more than one religion? Let alone the dozens of mutually exclusive variations and denominations of Christianity...
Would he care for all our cares
And answer all our prayers
Or just do diddly-squat?
Would he do nothing for us
Be aloof and ignore us
If there really was a god?

Why would we need men so holy
So highly and so lowly
In their religious squad
There'd be no priests or laity
If there were a real deity
If there really was a god

Oh he would surely be
The one we all adore
And just think of all the nasty things in store
For heretics.. of course, they'd be no more

Heads would not be a-turnin'
At bushes a-burning
Miraculous... not odd
And there'd be no need for prayer
If there were someone theyer
If there really was a god

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 27

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   1
 4   5
 5   20

User Comments

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Kristof Robertson - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil, you crazy athiest, you!! Watch out for the happy-clappies....55
John Barry - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
10 commandments, plus 5.
Johnny D - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
555, "NOBODY" bless you, Phil, well done! Actually, I happen to believe in God (and the details of my belief are nobody's business but my own, thank you all very much) ...... but I also believe that this world has many Atheists in it who are far more loving, compassionate, and self-sacrificing than some (but not all) self-labelled Christians who preach that their God won't condemn them, the self-labelled Christians, even if they commit atrocity and genocide, so long as at the moment of death God approves of their personal them, God cares only about their opinions, not their actions.....they think you can get away with any crime at all so long as you keep maintaining a certain opinion in your mind. Thank God for the Atheists who, unlike many so-called Christians, truly live-out Christ's Sermon On The Mount and truly live Christ-like lives...God bless those Atheists forever!
Ingeborg S. Nordn - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Beautifully written and argued, Phil: I may be the polar opposite of you as far as god-belief is concerned, but there's a reason Chucky did not include a "Message" or "Agenda" category to be voted on. I'm giving you the fives you deserve!
Syncronos - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Uh...yeah...what he said, I think...
AFW - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
very well done...5's
Phil Alexander - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
This is getting worrying... what, an atheist parody that *isn't* getting hit by 1s? :-)
Thanks, everyone (and JD, I'd not call myself an atheist who lives out Christ's sermon on the mount...)
2nz - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
... so if there really was a god, what would change? (I'm trying to understand you're arguement here)
Johnny D - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil, the fact that you willingly and freely admit that makes you more "Christian" than many so-called "Christians" who have no concern at all about whether or not they live out the sermon, but who are concerned only about whether they are doing a good enough job of keeping a certain opinion in their minds to satisfy their wrathful male sky-deity who cares only about people's opinions, not their actions. ;-)
Phil Alexander - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
OK, 2nz - if there really were a God (thinking specifically about the Judeo-Christian God rather than any of the other 000s of inventions through the ages):
a) for a start, why would there be more than one religion? *HOW* could there be more than one religion - surely if He wants you to worship a particular way, that's how it'll be
b) why would we need any religion at all, if He is an all-present God? What's the point of having someone to talk to Him on your behalf if he hears it all anyway?
c) surely there would be *some* result from praying? The usual question: why don't Christians have lower insurance premiums?
2nz - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
However, I would also like to second what Johnny said.
Guy - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Excerpt from a Helen Reddy parody on "I Am Woman".

I am Madalyn, I am dead,
I was hacked my parts were spread.
My belief was such in God could not pretend.
Once you're dead you are no more,
But I'll never know for sure.
Since there ain't no after-life to comprehend.

So if nothing happens after you die then why do we do anything at all in this life? Roll the dice and do whatever you want in this life and don't worry. If you're right you'll never know it anyway, but if you're wrong the downside could be disastrous. Phil, I guess you and I are constantly searching for the same thing. One question though. What should an athiest say when someone sneezes? I'll pretend that you just sneezed and let you fill in the blanks about what I'd say. Interesting parody.
Phil Alexander - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
PS... I think you mean "your" argument
Know 1 can hear you dream - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Atheism used to be a non-prophet organization until $t: Philbo came along with his 555 commandments! :-)
Phil Alexander - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Guy - On the sneezing question: gesundheit (though "bless you" sounds slightly better than "You're gonna die", doesn't it?). As for a lack of belief in the afterlife meaning you don't behave in this, "the sins of the fathers" etc... and I have four children. I want a better life for them... that's certainly where a lot of my motivation comes from.
Johnny D - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
And that motivation of yours, Phil, again shows you have a lot more love in your heart than many people who go around proudly pronouncing themselves as believers in this-or-that-god-or-gods but who believe they can get away with living hate-filled lives because they've satisfied their god with a proclamation of their agreement with a certain theological opinion.
Guy - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
JD - Sorry but I don't know any Christians in the category that you describe. I do know a lot of self righteous people whe do fit into this category and who may call themselves as such but I would not call them Christian.

Phil, it was just my way of wishing you well without offending your beliefs but also being able to enjoy projecting mine. As JD states, I believe that you are a decent human being.
Johnny D - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Guy - guess what - I agree with you - the proof is how I scrupulously employed quotation-marks & the term "self-labelled" & the term "so-called". I agree with you - a person who thinks all they need to do to ensure a felicitous spiritual destiny for themselves is hold to a certain opinion in their mind while they live a life of hate is sadly mistaken...
Guy - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
JD - Really I was agreeing back. Just wanted my two cents worth. Thanks.
2nz - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil, both a) and b) on your list are valid statements about the flaws in the system of organized religions. While I understand, I see them more as a critique of those flaws than as proof that there is no God.
a)One (although not the only) flaw in the 'system' is that they (the varied religions) define what God "is", to the exclusion of all other 'definitions' of God that may exist in other organized religions. This is wrong because I don't believe anyone who has existed on this earth has the capacity to define God.
b) Again, good call. That never really made sense to me either. It takes a human to think up a system like "We are all God's creatures, but me more so than you." However, I still think it's a valid critique of the 'system', not proof that there's nobody there.
c) This one's harder. (This is where I launch into an 'I believe' speech which will basically show the differences between our opinions given the same set of criteria about 'God') Eh hem, I believe that God exists (der) and that he created something, possibly whatever was there to create the Big Bang in the first place. But that's because in my human mind, things don't make sense without some kind of starting point. So then what was God's starting point? Good question, don't know, my religion tells me that he is exempt from that rule. Didn't make much sense that and it makes less now, yet another flaw in the 'organized' religion system. Anyhow, I believe that if God gave every person what they prayed for (From lower insurance premiums to a cure for cancer) we would not grow as people. hmmm... I guess it comes down to despite all the valid arguments you have against God's existence as we understand it, there are things that science just has no explanation for either, like for instance, define 'Hope' and 'Love' in scientific terms. Define the 'free-will' that keeps people alive years longer than any doctor says they should live. That's where I see God, not in the Sky, in a heaven that us sinners will never see. I guess it sounds corny, but it feels right to me.

So you see, you argue that there is no God by stating flaws in our religious organizations around him and what we do therein. I argue that there is a God by stating flaws in the science that this world is left with if indeed there is no God. So, touche.
Paul Robinson - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Great Caesar's Ghost! A lovable Atheist, who'da thunkit? One never can be sure if there is or isn't a God. Not something that can be proven, so that is why such a belief is called (or at least should be called) "Faith". And folks should be entitled to it as long as they don't wish to impose it on others. And one should not be required profess to faith of any particular kind to be considered a good and decent person because it "professing to" anything doesn't mean the same thing as "adhering to". And one should not parade one's "Faith" as a campaigning tactic for the purposes of attaining or retaining public office. Now, given all that why would a "non-believer" treat others well and try to do good? Answer: Because they BELIEVE it is the right thing to do. And you don't necessary have to believe in a God or Gods to believe this and try to adhere to it. Are these my beliefs? They might be, it's really none of your business, though, is it? Hmmm...I believe I will give this parody 5's. Maybe I already have, I can't remember, but fortunately the voting mechanism on this site seems to be working well today, because when I tried to vote twice for your parody about automated voting it would not accept the 2nd one. So the system will enforce my honesty in this case.
Ashkicksass - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Wow - great comments, Paul! I'm going to have to echo yours, and give this one 5's too. Very well done, and VERY thought provoking, Phil.
Steven Cavanagh - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh please. I love your work, Phil, but "As described in the bible"- do you even know what that means? The whole POINT of the bible is that humans by nature put themselves or other gods in God's place. God doesn't pick on group X, EVERYONE has turned away from their source of life (leading to death, obviously). It's the default value. God had the RIGHT to leave us there, but Jesus' death in place of our own offers a way out. I totally agree with your hatred of pompous piety, though. Jesus hated (and hates) it too.
Phil Alexander - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Do I know what "as described in the bible" means? Yes, I guess so... a god that is simultaneously "above all other gods" and "the only true god" (he says, mixing his testaments). Sorry, but I don't believe the premise. To quote Jethro Tull, instead: "In the beginning man created God, and in his own image created he him"
Guy - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
United States currency still says "In God We Trust" on it even though there are those who would like to see it removed. I think I'll go with the pick that the US government did before I'd put my trust in this matter to one such as Jethro Tull.
Phil Alexander - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
I always liked the signs behind the bar: "In God we trust... all others pay cash" :-)
Reverend J. - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Johnny D. is right, there are a lot of athiests that lead Christlike lives. And therein lies the problem. Lucifer, himself was an angel until he denied God, thus he was doomed forever in Hell. I'm not saying Phil or other atheists or agnostics will go there, but if they don't wake up and see the healing works of Jesus in time, then they are at a dead end. But yes, even a lot of atheists are more moral than those that profess faith, yet keep committing sins. I pray for everyone, including myself, and I will keep hope alive.
Guy - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil - I always liked those signs myself but I believe they say different things to different people.
Michael Pacholek - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
So the words spoken by the prophet were fulfilled: Bush won. And Jesus wept.
Paul Robinson - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
And of course, as everybody SHOULD know (actually, there is really no reason ANYONE should know this), although Jethro Tull WAS a really person (from the 17th century, I'm thinking, from something a ran across a month or so ago, not positive on that dating, though), the GROUP "Jethro Tull" is really Ian Anderson, who along with his wife wrote everything on the album "Aqualung" (from whence the liner note that Phil refers to from). Of course Martin Barre is a major part of Jethro Tull, as well, having played with Anderson in the group since it's onset, I believe. Others members have came and went in the near 40 years the group has been around. Still good, saw them at the Greek Theatre here in L.A in 2002, although the sudden coolish night air that occurs there had a strange effect on Anderson's voice at the beginning of the concert he worked around it quite nimbly by re-directing the set with heavy instrumentals for about hour while he sipped warm fluids at every opportunity. An excellent show. Hey, what was this thread about, anyway? Oh, Reverend J., with all due respect, "I don't believe you, you have the whole damn thing all wrong. He's not the kind you have to wind-up on Sunday's." (another line from "Aqualung" from the song "Wind Up", which ends the album). At any rate, on the subject of Jesus, anyone is entitled to think of him as the Son Of God. If there is a God, I would say we are ALL sons/daughters of him (another reason to treat other folks well, if you need one), and I don't believe "professing" to believe in him would be a criteria or entrance requirement to any divine kingdom after life, hypothetically assuming that one exists. I would think one's actual behavior and actions would have more to do with it. Only an insecure God would need constant validation from people he was powerful enough to create from mere elements. Jesus, at least the one I have read about, was doubtless a good man. Whether the things he is alleged to have said and done were really what happened cannot be proven, going back to the issue of "Faith" again. They weren't actually written about until some centuries later. OH, and by the way, for you biblical literalists, Jesus most likely did not speak English so what you read in whatever Bible you prefer is a TRANSLATION of what someone wrote some centuries after actual times of the life and the death of Christ, but you are still welcome to believe in that as long as you don't want to make me do so. So do I believe in God? I'm still not saying, just laying out a few thoughts I've had from time to time. Peace, and if all of you can scrape some up, Goodwill towards all... Thanks...
Stuart McArthur - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
God is truth and wisdom but, like each painter gives us his/her different personal angle on the depiction of a tree, each individual has his/her own angle on how they see God - there's not just a few religions - there are billions - 555 for creating the forum Phil
Beth Ann - November 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Keep up the good work...I enjoyed it. It flows to the original meter except in one or two small places. Plus it's damned funny. - November 14, 2004 - Report this comment
Wow - I'll read through the comments when I have a few spare hours. Hey - maybe there is a god but he/she/it is too busy playing with other, more interesting planets to worry about goofball Earth right now?
Fuel to the fire of inspiration? - December 11, 2004 - Report this comment
R# of Juniper - August 02, 2005 - Report this comment
A bit late to reply to this one, but I just want to make it clear to the Christians out there that Phil is neither loving nor a good atheist. He is nothing more than a fleshy sack of selfish genes and if getting you guys to believe he is nice increases his chances of procreation (perhaps with a poor misled Christian lady) then that is what he will do. But don't blame him for the way he is. He was predestined to it by his complement of chromosomes.
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, THE SUBGENIUS !!! - August 02, 2005 - Report this comment
Well puff-my-pipe & slick-back-my-Ward-Cleaver-hair! Extra SLACK for YOU, Phil Alexander --- you are hereby awarded the title HONORARY SUBGENIUS !!!
Tim Mayfield - August 02, 2005 - Report this comment
R#, what a strange conclusion to make. I am still spinning on what makes a 'good atheist' for starters... There are four kinds of love, so can you be more specific? As for the parody, it was pro created.
Phil Alexander - August 03, 2005 - Report this comment
Tim - I think M.# has been ODing on Dawkins, and doesn't mean everything he says literally... at least, I hope not ;-)
Mariano - July 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Fuel to the fire of inspiration?, is Dead Large portions of have been considered, dissected and declared fallacious on very many levels. Two examples of this fact are as follows: Whilst besmirching the Bible for allegedly commanding rape, for some odd reason, neglects to mention the most relevant biblical text related to the biblical view of and law about rape. Why this omission? Who knows, but it would certainly have gotten in the way of a good session of emotive expression of prejudice—it would have discredited to reference this most important text. Indeed, those annoying little facts have an annoying way of getting in the way of good fallacious assertions. Whilst besmirching the Bible for allegedly commanding human sacrifice, for some odd reason, neglects to mention that the Bible does not command but condemns human sacrifice., for some odd reason, neglects to mention that when the Bible reports that human sacrifices did take place they were carried out by Gentile Pagans who were not worshiping the God of the Bible but various false gods. When “Jews” were performing human sacrifices it was only when they turned away from the God of the Bible and joined Gentile Pagans in worshiping various false gods. Yet, in typical militant activist atheist fashion, does not condemn Gentile Pagans but only condemns the Jews. Further evidence of this is found at this URL:

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