LOCKE:
(Okay, boys, let's express our blues to the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain"...
and a one... and a two... and a...)
I could wash it in all hours
Organics with rare flowers
Cond'tioning with the rain
And my head would be dashin'
All my hair is so smashin'
If I only had a mane


I'd unravel all my tangles
Like one of The Bangles
Forget about Rogaine

HURLEY:
With the hair you'd be growin'
It could be to ass-below'n
If you only had a mane


LOCKE:
Oh, I would brag 'bout why
My coiffure's sheer allure
I could tint it colors never thunk before
And then I'd tease it some more


HURLEY:
(Okay, my turn.)
I would forget about that muffin
Pass up on all that stuffin'
My menus full of plain
I won't be fat and merry -
Ho, ho, ho, nose like a cherry
If my appetite would wane

(BEN: Now, my turn. I WOULD BE SO-
LOCKE: Stop it right there, Ben. There are no more verses left.
BEN: Huh? Whaddyamean there are no more verses left?
LOCKE: The song is finished. I guess you will have to do
your thing to the "If I Only Had a HEART" song.
HURLEY: Wait a minute. I thought the point was to CHANGE the words.
BEN: I don't think that is very funny, Hugo.)