-> "The East Side Bar Song"
Original Song Title:
"The Unicorn Song" (MP3)
Parody Song Title:
"The East Side Bar Song"
A short time ago a trip east of the river
Was enough to make the rest of Toledo shiver.
Then there was developement and things got gentrified
And they built some restaraunts by the riverside.
But when you've grown weary of the scene at The Docks,
And you crave adventure, travel east a few blocks.
You'll meet some unique characters, some downright bizarre.
Come and join the fun at an East Side bar.
About East Toledoans you hear so much bad hype,
But not all of us fit into your stereotype;
We've most our teeth, our sanity, we're gainfully employed.
However we've acquaintances you should avoid.
The guy covered in foil from head to toe
To block the influence of those UFOs,
The mullet wearing mama playing air guitar
Are folks best not provoked in an East Side bar.
A trip to East Toledo is certain to provide
A chance to take a walk upon the wild side.
Come mingle with the bikers in our pool halls,
But mess with their b*tches, they'll cut off your balls.
Though they wear black biker leather with naught underneath
And like as not sporting more tattoos than teeth,
You must avoid temptation, boy, I know, it's hard
NOT to pick up women in an East Side bar.
Nowadays the outlaw bikers hang out at Jor-DANS
Since a suspicious fire burned down the Vatican
Where my sainted mother, pious and upright
Played Euchre with Hell's Angels every Thursday night.
When she'd hear them bragging about their misdeeds
She'd go upside a few heads with ther rosary beads.
One night she missed her aim and broke the pig's feet jar
And currently she's banned from that East Side bar.
So come soak up the atmosphere; it's, how you say, "refined"
Sit back and enjoy a beer and keep an open mind.
Let the East Toledo grow on you and you'll be back again
Just go with the flow and you'll fit right in.
If you see green teethed old rednecks whose trucks have gun racks
Whose keys they use to dig out their ear wax
And you detest pro wrestling, can't stand NASCAR
Best keep it to yourself in that East Side bar.
When East Toledo beckons you must obey the call
Its hurly, burly, surly soul will hold you in its thrall.
Though somewhat unenlightened, it has a down-home charm.
Just use some common sense and you leave unharmed.
Don't make conversation about this year's ballet
And don't drive the Beemer, we got no valets.
Forgive us if the Chardonny is not up to yar.
"The heck do you expect? IT'S AN EAST SIDE BAR!!
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