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Song Parodies -> "Absurd Home Guard Pike Use"
Original Song Title:
"I Put a Spell on You"
(MP3)Original Performer:
Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Parody Song Title:
"Absurd Home Guard Pike Use"
Parody Written by:
Robert D. Arndt Jr.
The Lyrics
In 1940, after the British had dumped their weapons on Dunkirk's beaches, the nervous Home Guard had little more than civilian weapons to defend them from the impending German invasion. While there was a supply of shotguns, bows & arrows, knives, dynamite, and an odd assortment of civilian guns of all calibers... there was no regular issue of military arms. So, the Home Guard was told to make pikes that consisted of a bayonet mounted to a long shaft of 3-4' length. These were intended to be used against German Paras who had to get to their ammunition cylinders upon landing. The idea was to get to them first and kill them. If the enemy landed and got their arms then the Home Guard planned massed attacks to overwhelm them with the pikes! And when the panzers showed, they planned to affix explosives and approach the tank from the rear and attack- like the Japanese lunge mine of 1945! All of this was absurd, even laughable... but fortunately the Germans postponed Sealion indefinately and the pikes were taken to a storehouse and forgotten. The US sent weapons and domestic production of new small arms increased up to normal levels.
Absurd Home Guard pike use
waste of time
Must fight German invasion troops
Recruits findin’
Few guns supplyin’
Armament abandoned (Dunkirk)
Home Guard defends towns
Shotguns could be handy
But not enough to take Germans down
[Improvised weapons had to be found]
Absurd Home Guard pike use
waste of time
Lunge mine
It was crude
It was crude
It was crude
Bayonet on a shaft
Hand-to-hand dare
Also for bombing
Facing panzers- daft!!!
[Germans would laugh]
Home Guard plea
Absurd Home Guard pike use
waste of time
(Get us guns from Land of Liberty)*
waste of time
Must fight German invasion troops
Recruits findin’
Few guns supplyin’
Armament abandoned (Dunkirk)
Home Guard defends towns
Shotguns could be handy
But not enough to take Germans down
[Improvised weapons had to be found]
Absurd Home Guard pike use
waste of time
Lunge mine
It was crude
It was crude
It was crude
Bayonet on a shaft
Hand-to-hand dare
Also for bombing
Facing panzers- daft!!!
[Germans would laugh]
Home Guard plea
Absurd Home Guard pike use
waste of time
(Get us guns from Land of Liberty)*
*Land of Liberty= USA
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User Comments
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Same idea proposed by John Brown to arm a hoped-for slave rebellion after seizing the federal arsenal at Harper's Ferry. Which sort of evokes an old racist term I heard years ago. Japanese home guard trained women and children with bamboo spears against a possible US invasion. Fortunately for all involved, these improvised weapons were never pressed into service.
Even in desperation in 1945, the Volkssturm were issued automatic weapons as well as ATWs. Lots of Panzerfaust and Panzerschreck attacks mixed with K98ks, MP-40s, STG-44s, VG-1s, MG-34s and 42s, stick grenades and Nipolit grenades, plus light and heavy PAK and FLAK used for ground purposes! The only trouble was that the Volkssturm was not co-ordinated and interfered with Heer and Waffen SS operations. Plus the Gestapo and General SS were hanging or shooting traitors in the streets while the fighting was going on! Blonde Valkyrie was a Werwolf so she used assassin weapons mostly: garrot wire, poison, Puma knife, and on occasion an automatic weapon...
I have read that the Germans took a lot of Carcano rifles and carbines when they left Italy. These, along with everything else that could shoot were issued to the Volkssturm. I've seen German grenades made from cast concrete, similar in concept to the Japanese pottery grenades, but not as artistically made. When England requested weapons after Dunkirk, the New York City Police Department took all its confiscated guns and dumped them into the hold of an east-bound freighter. US rounded up all the M1917 rifles in the armories and sent them in one very heavily guarded convoy.
Germans used some Italian weapons from the beginning including the M38 SMG and Breda MGs, grenades. The Carcanos were used too but the 6.5mm cartridge was crappy. Attempts at a 7.35mm conversion were made but low production. Volkssturm also got older SS weapons from early war including P-08s, C-96s, and even MG-15s!!!
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