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Song Parodies -> "Stalin's Ape Soldier Doomed"

Original Song Title:

"I Put a Spell on You"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Parody Song Title:

"Stalin's Ape Soldier Doomed"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

One of more bizarre Soviet experiments in the 1920s involved the attempted creation of a hybrid interspecies ape soldier for the Red Army (a sort of Red Hulk). It started in the early 20th century with a geneticist named Ilya Ivanov who specialized in hybridization with animals. He was successful in making things like Mouse-rats, a Zorse (Zebra-horse), new birds, and so on. So, logically, the next step was a Humanzee- a cross between a human and a chimpanzee b/c both are very similar genetically. Ivanov started to advance his ideas from 1910-1917 but with the Revolution he was defunded. So, he spent the next 8-9 years trying to gain funding by any means. Stalin, desperate to industrialize and improve the Soviet Red Army by any means heard of Ivanov's work and had the brilliant idea of a Slavic hybrid ape man soldier that would never question orders, eat almost any slop given it, and would never have to be paid! He funded Ivanov who went to Africa to artificially inseminate 3 chimpanzee females with human semen. All attempts failed. Desperate, he returned to the USSR and got a female volunteer to inseminate with primate semen which also failed. He was subsequently jailed under Stalin's purges of intellectuals and died in prison in 1932.
Stalin’s ape soldier doomed
failed each time

Needed Red Army to improve
Genes applyin’
New species tryin’

Ivanov, he tried it
Best hybrid maker found
Tried with a chimpanzee
Inseminations did not break ground

[Ideas and experiments not sound]

Stalin’s ape soldier doomed
failed each time
Three tries

He was doomed
He was doomed
He was doomed
But he tried anyhow
Was in despair
Tried with human she
The test was foul

[Stalin let down]

Futility
Stalin’s ape soldier doomed
failed each time
(No Red Hulk from a chimpanzee)
The Nazis, OTOH, also performed genetic and eugenic experimentation on a crude level but succeeded with its Lebensborn program that mated Aryan blonde hair-blue eyed fertile females with Aryan Waffen SS men. The Germans also back-bred two extinct animals- the Tarpan horse and Aurock Cattle (known as the Heck Horse and Heck Cattle) into existence again. Today, there is demand for the meat of the cattle- Nazi meat!!! While all of this seems too bizarre to be true the Nazis went a step further and tried to create X-waffe mutants in SS labs. New aggressive life forms to attack enemy soldiers. Primitive biological matterforms whose files are still classified. One more- the Germans attempted a Gene-Specific gas to kill only Jews!!! Amazingly, that data was passed to Israel via the US to target Arabs!!! Most people believe that the CIA came from the OSS and that is not true. It is a blend of OSS mixed with Nazi SS intel on the USSR as well as all SS torture methods and all SS wild experimentation of WW2. Mossad also benefitted from shared Nazi SS files!

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Total Votes: 11

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Patrick - August 22, 2012 - Report this comment
Sounds like the plot to the novel "The Postman" in which the government creates a strike force of steroid-mutant warriors. When the Nazis invaded the USSR, Stalin did not lack for human soldiers who would obey orders and march to their deaths by the millions. No simian-hybrids required.
John Barry - August 22, 2012 - Report this comment
Your knowledge is encyclopedic!
Rob Arndt - August 22, 2012 - Report this comment
Patrick, when the Nazis invaded in June 1941 there had been a 15 year gap between Ivanov's experiments and also Stalin had both industrialized and modernized his Red Army with tanks and better small arms. Still, the Red troops surrendered or deserted by the hundreds of thousands forcing the German Blitzkrieg to slow b/c they had to process the POWs to the rear. They would have shot them but lacked the ammunition! Also, the Ukraine initially welcomed the Germans as liberators until the SS and Einsatzkommandos appeared. Stalin got so angry with losses that he attached political troops to his army and shot anyone in retreat, so those willing to fight and die as cannon fodder had a MG in their back the entire time. Stalin stated that "It took a brave man NOT to be a Hero of the Soviet Union"!!! And since they moved their industry back past the Urals, Stalin also utilized hated Asian troops to boost the strength of the Red Army. These dirty Siberians were looked upon as sub-human dogs and were treated as such. This is evidenced when the massive rapes occured in 1945 Germany. The Asians were often not allowed to participate even in revenge! Btw, the Nazi supersoldier program did exist through medical experiments with drugs like D.IX which were to be issued to all German servicemen by Oct 1945. D.IX allowed a soldier to march 55 miles straight with very little water and be able to fight when he got to the battlefield. That drug caused a soldier to obey orders, ignore pain, and operate like a well-trained robot/zombie. Soviet encounters released in the 2000s with Waffen SS using initial batches report soldiers taking rounds w/o flinching and continuing to fight devoid of emotion. Many were fatally shot and kept firing until their systems shut down. The drug mix in D.IX is kept secret. Even the American Journal of Medicine only listed 3 ingredients as producing this now with criminals would be detrimental to police and tac teams.
Rob Arndt - August 22, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks JAB :)
Patrick - August 23, 2012 - Report this comment
I remember that movie "Enemy at the Gates" in which officers stood behind Russian soldiers and shot them if they tried to retreat. I had never considered the mass surrender of Russian troops as being an impediment to the German advance. Unintended strategic advantage. Have seen original Ukrainian underground news letters denouncing Stalin and encouraging resistance or collaboration with the Germans. Did the Germans consider the long-term effect of these drugs on soldiers, after the war was over? I can probably guess the answer to that.
Rob Arndt - August 25, 2012 - Report this comment
Germans took amphetamines before the war and also German soldiers asked parents and relatives to send more from the locla chemist. But when the war ended so did the drug usage. I cannot speak for those German soldiers in occupied Germany but the 2 million marched back to the USSR for labor did not receive drugs nor even adequate food. In 10 years most of them had died.

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