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Song Parodies -> "Home Guard Armor was Crude"

Original Song Title:

"I Put a Spell on You"

Original Performer:

Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Parody Song Title:

"Home Guard Armor was Crude"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

As Germany kicked the British Expeditionary Force off the Continent in 1940, there were few real weapons to stop the German invasion forces IF "Operation Sealion" went ahead in 1940. The Home Guard was redcued to many improvised weapons and lacked armor... so they took civilian cars and trucks and welded as much metal on to them as possible. Mobility and visibility were horrible in most cases and they lacked armament. Home Guardsmen in many cases simply aimed their shotguns and hunting rifles out of crude firing ports. Some were lucky enough to mount a small turret with a Vickers MG. These vehicles would have been vunerable to German infantry and paras even w/o enemy armor. The pic below of the armored Sunbeam car with MG was called the "Tickler Tank" b/c it was modified by the Tickler Company in Maidenshead. But most agree that the Germans would have laughed themselves to death upon seeing that contraption, especially when confronted by the PzKpfw IIIs of 1940. Germany modified 168 of them as underwater tanks for the invasion!!! Tauchpanzers. Would have been a sight to see those come out of the water and then move cross-country to fight the Home Guard's improvised armor!!! See below...
Home Guard armor was crude
pressed for time

Some civvy cars and trucks were used
Metal applyin’
For German fightin’

Shop men could handle it
Real tanks not around
Panzer Corps was deadly
Home Guard used what was lying around

[Scrap metal, iron slabs, MGs found]

Home Guard armor was crude
Were pressed for time
Poor designs

Sunbeams used
Morris too
Guns were few
Shotguns, rifles, out ports
Few parts to spare
For these oddities
Mobile “car forts!!!”

[Convert 2-doors]

Home Guard armor was crude
Were pressed for time
(Vulnerable to simple infantry)

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

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 4   0
 5   6

User Comments

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Patrick - February 03, 2014 - Report this comment
Polish partisans created a few armored cars during the Warsaw Uprising at the end of the war. Americans may have to learn some of these tricks, soon.
Susanna Viljanen - February 03, 2014 - Report this comment
It isn't the weapons, but the fighting men, which make the army. Even crude and improvised weapons can make the difference when the men are motivated and skilled enough - even in the hands of Dad's Army. 555.
Rob Arndt - February 03, 2014 - Report this comment
There is a fine balance, Susanna. The Finns in your multiple wars with the USSR used good weapons and then were given better weapons by the Germans, even captured Allied weapons that your nation improved and made to work better. Amazing what your people did with the Brewster Buffalo and the M.S.406, etc... even creating your own version of the Bf 109- the VL Pyorremyrsky (Sp?). Would have been interesting to see your version of the Mosquito- the Vihurri (Sp?)!!! But in Germany's case it had both better fighting men and in most cases weapons, but not the industrial production of the US and USSR. Germany's Volkssturm was better equipped than the Home Guard but the Reds swept them aside in a deluge of SMG-armed men AND heavy armor backed by heavy artillery. In Britain in 1940-41 (had the combined sea and air invasion came) the Home Guard would have faced the German Army with the Panzer Corps, German Paras, and the Waffen SS. Germans FTR captured the Channel Islands and occupied them until 1945...
Rob Arndt - February 03, 2014 - Report this comment
Patrick, the Warsaw Ghetto armored car was a MPW Kubus (Little Jacob) built from a Chevy 157 truck chassis and added armor. Carried 8-12 men and had a Soviet MG, improvised flame thrower, grenade and firing ports. Could be used as armored ambulance too. Only prototype was hit and abandoned but later repaired and sits in the Warsaw Ghetto Museum. A replica was also built for re-enactments and is fully functional

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