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Song Parodies -> "CIA Cig Gun Cool"

Original Song Title:

"I Put a Spell on You"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Parody Song Title:

"CIA Cig Gun Cool"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

The Cold War Cigarette Gun was made to be compact for concealment and yet labeled with popular brands to be carried in the open, usually in a breast pocket of a jacket. To use in a desperate situation the agent simply held the cig with his fingers and asked for a light. The tobacco end plug COULD be lit for a few seconds but the user usually had to either use his other fingers or teeth to pull the filter back enough to break the tether inside to the 5.7mm round located behind the tobacco plug. At sufficient pressure the tether broke and ignited the round which fired at 759 fps and had ME of 51 ft/lbs. At close range (2-5 ft) this was devastating. Most enemy agents were shot in the face and others in the chest when the cig was aimed. Loaded weigh was .018 kg and the round was 2.6 grams. Ammo was special 5.7x17mm RNL. Effective range was 1-2 meters, with 10 meters max. Hit probability at 1-2 meters was 99% but fell off after that. At 10 meters it was down to 37% or less. Female CIA Agents were issued lipstick guns in addition to the cig guns which were sometimes called “Nictorex Brand” which cost $22 each to make! The CIA also used modified old OSS-type MAC-Stingers that cost $45 each! The weirdest kill gun was the CIA multi-barrel “Ice Gun” which pneumatically fired cold ice rounds that penetrated the flesh and then melted away. No kidding!
CIA cig was cool
shot was unkind

Type of cig on which not to drool
5.7 (mm)
Spy’s perfect weapon

Concealed filtered bandit
Pocket carried round
At close range was deadly
Agents that gave a light- taken down

[Shot in the face by pressure-fired round]

CIA cig was cool
But shot was unkind
By design

One-shot tool
Manual
Filter pull
With fingers or with teeth
Gents unaware
Of lethality
Was low-tech feat

[Brands were discreet]

Oddity
CIA cig was cool
But shot was unkind
(Like lipstick gun, carried with ease)

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.3
How Funny: 4.3
Overall Rating: 4.3

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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 5   9
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User Comments

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Randy - October 23, 2013 - Report this comment
So, cigarettes really DO kill ;-)
Rob Arndt - October 23, 2013 - Report this comment
http://www.angelfire.com/d20/autumnblade/69CIGARETTE.JPG
Patrick - October 24, 2013 - Report this comment
Just like the government to use a costly proprietary round instead of the readily available .22 Short or 6.35mm Browning. Years ago I saw a .25 caliber gun made from plumbing pipe. Turned down the offer to fire it. Cigarette smoking is not the most popular social habit these days. Guess that's why the Croatians came up with a cell phone pistol.
Rob Arndt - October 25, 2013 - Report this comment
Patrick, the CIA also used cigar guns of larger caliber and the Isrealis perfected the cell phone bomb! I thought I might ask if you've seen any of these oddballs too: the Beretta Line-Thrower, the AAI CAWS auto-shotgun, the Jackhammer 3 Autoshotgun with cartridge drum, and the Webley-Schermuy Anti-Riot Gun and the 38mm Webley-Schermuly Riot Pistol???
Patrick - October 25, 2013 - Report this comment
There is an H&R line throwing gun in the Ripley Museum in Branson. Basically a Topper shotgun in .45-70 with a shorter barrel and a length of rope. I once bought an H&R .45-70 that was so poorly chambered from the factory that the breech wouldn't close on a cartridge. Sold it to a gunsmith who deepened the recess for the rim.

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