I was tired of my snake
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out venom bottle
From pit vipers with fangs long
So while I was in the pet shop
I looked at the snakes that they had
And in a big aquarium
There was this letter I read:

If you like pit vipers
And getting bit on the leg
If you can extract poison
If you don't have half a brain
If you work for Steve Erwin
And visit the hospital once a week
If your insurance is real good
I'm the snake that you seek

I didn't think about my snake
I know that sounds kinda mean
But me and my king cobra
Had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I walked to the clerk
Pointed over to the cage
I said I'll take that vicious rattler
Tell me how much is that snake

Yes I like pit vipers
And getting bit on the leg
I can extract poison
I don't have half a brain
I work for Steve Erwin
And catch anacondas in lakes
My insurance is real good
Why don't you sell me that snake?

So I waited by the counter
As the clerk walked to the cage
She undid the padlocks
And let the snake escape
The other people in the pet shop
Screamed and ran away
And then the clerk said
I never knew

That anyone liked pit vipers
And getting bit on the leg
That you can extract poison
And don't have half a brain
That you work for Steve Erwin
And catch anacondas in lakes
That anyone liked diamondback rattlers
You can have this snake

If you like pit vipers
And getting bit on the leg
If you can extract poison
If you don't have half a brain
If you work for Steve Erwin
And catch anacondas in lakes
Then I'm the snake that you've looked for
I've got fangs just like tent stakes
Yes I like pit vipers
And getting bit on the leg
I can extract poison
I don't have half a brain
I met my snake at noon
In a really big cage
At a pet shop called O'Malleys
Where we planned out escape