This newfangled thing, the Internet has got you real perplexed
You can't see what folks see in it, you get wound up and vexed
Perhaps it is because your browser only works with text
You've the oldest PC in town

You bought a brand new printer, but you threw the thing away
Your PCs got no USB, and sure won't plug or play
No EPP or ECP so it won't work that way
You've the oldest PC in town

When you're excited 'cause your new game CD has arrived
But the space that it requires is ten times your whole hard drive
And your graphics card's no 3D, let alone DirectX 5
You've the oldest PC in town

There's a chance to boot up quicker, and it's too good to miss
You put /checkmem=no after HIMEM.SYS
But when you speak to tech support, they only take the piss
You've the oldest PC in town

You know compared to new PCs, your old thing is outclassed
But they built it in the 80s, and, boy, was it built to last
But don't you know the days of CP/M have fin'ly passed?
You've the oldest PC in town

Your printer is a dot-matrix, the mouse weighs half a ton
The graphic's card's a Hercules, and programs walk, not run
And still you don't believe that you require a newer one
You've the oldest PC in town

When you hit the keyboard, it takes a sec or more
To show the key that you've just pressed - it really is a bore
More likely what it's showing now's the key you hit before
You've the oldest PC in town

When printing is an arduous task, with noisy pings and pops
You can hear each dot upon the page and every pin that drops
And that print job from November is still going, never stops
You've the oldest PC in town

And it runs so slow
Because disk space is so tight
You've the oldest PC in town

And chkdsk takes all night to do
Just twenty megabytes
You've the oldest PC in town