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Song Parodies -> "Confessions of Ex-Swimmer"

Original Song Title:

"Battle Hymn of the Republic"

Original Performer:

Julia Ward Howe

Parody Song Title:

"Confessions of Ex-Swimmer"

Parody Written by:

Susanna Viljanen

The Lyrics

Mine lungs, they have inhaled unhealthy dose of chlorine gas
my hair is permanently bleached and feels like autumn grass
My skin is dry and hairless and I'm quite muscular lass -
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

A pool, a pool of fifty meters
long course training is a treat,eh?
I'm bound to soon to meet St. Peter -
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

I'm fluent on counting 25s, and "hundred" means me "four"
unless its "two" and "thousand" is just starters, nothing more
I'm not ashamed being naked around my friends, it's just a bore
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

Training autumns, springs and winters -
breaststroke, backstroke, freestyle, sprinters
Butterfly and medley - stint-er
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

I'm not impressed if someone's practising five days a week
we had it twelve times weekly and three times in gym at peak
Bench pressing ninety kilos sounds to me a pretty weak
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

Five thousand meters every session
this sport, it needs a quite obsession
Counting pool tiles in succession -
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

I dislike to swim the relay - it's the passes which I fear
though I've practised them a lot and starts are thing which I can bear
Two hundred meters butterfly - now that is terror sheer
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

Butterfly, it is for loonies
Backstroke for those who are goonies
Breaststroke is for the most puniest
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

Butterflyers, they're most insane and breaststrokers are bit strange
freestylers feel bit awkward if they take the medley range
We all identify our style and others are deranged
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

We are big eaters for the dinner
we need it lest we become just thinner
Now who'll come playing "Sharks and Minnows?"
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

I'd like to grow me gills and have a pretty mermaid tail
as holding breath ten minutes does not make me yet a whale
I'm not a diver and terrestrial sports, they make me fail
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

I'm awkward as a floorball player
I'm neither a gymnastics major
In roller derby I'd be slayer -
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

Yes I like to swim, compete and get adrenaline's sweet rush
I love the smell of chlorine and the ozone's me a hush
I'm healthy as a girl can be, and love the water's flush
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

A toast, a toast for all the swimmers!
my friends, my brothers and my sisters!
It's pool where I go with my mister -
Swimming is a sport from Hell!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 3.2
How Funny: 3.2
Overall Rating: 3.2

Total Votes: 18

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   8
 8
 8
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   0
 0
 0
 
 5   10
 10
 10
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Phelps Spitz - July 06, 2016 - Report this comment
One way or another, it's always about the Great and Daring You. For that reason alone, I award you 1s and the Golden Flipper.
^Agree - July 06, 2016 - Report this comment
Disappointed. Where is the old SV? (No rating)
Patrick - July 06, 2016 - Report this comment
If I were to go swimming naked, it would definitely be the sport from Hell. But when I was young, there were no places to learn in Kansas City, Kansas. The river was not a good place, either.
Aqua Man - July 06, 2016 - Report this comment
Who cares about your swimming experience, Patrick? You should be commenting on the parody, shouldn't you?
Susanna Viljanen - July 07, 2016 - Report this comment
I have walked the walk. So I can talk the talk.
Wonder Woman - July 07, 2016 - Report this comment
Thus you diminish your derring-do by advertising it. Take up hot air ballooning. You can inflate a fleet with the talk you talk.
Susanna Viljanen - July 07, 2016 - Report this comment
Some of us dare. Some of us dare and do. Some of us don't dare. Some of us don't dare and whine. Where do you stand?
Done with her - July 07, 2016 - Report this comment
Braggarts are insecure, they are looking to feel better about themselves by getting outside validation and putting down others so they can feel superior. What they are really saying is, "I don't feel good about myself so I will talk relentlessly about myself in order to get praise and admiration." It's becoming robotic with Susanna and annoying.
Jokester - July 07, 2016 - Report this comment
Susanna always wants to be the center of attention. When she goes to a funeral, she's sorry she isn't the corpse!
Susanna Viljanen - July 07, 2016 - Report this comment
Haven't seen your parodies for a while.
Callmelennie - July 07, 2016 - Report this comment
Haven't seen its very special brand of commentary either, Susie. What's it's been .. six months since it was banned from this site, or is it seven? ... Hey CHUCKIE G!! Susie's troll is back. Break out the Troll-B-Gone

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