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Song Parodies -> "The Ballad of Pork and Beans"

Original Song Title:

"The Battle of New Orleans"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Johnny Horton

Parody Song Title:

"The Ballad of Pork and Beans"

Parody Written by:

Tim Mayfield

The Lyrics

In 1880 they made a little slip
Was just a minor fraction
Very soon they had to ship
Made with a little bacon
And a crock of baking beans
And now we can't say we're camping
'Less we take some pork and beans

Unpacked them buns
Then the mustard started running
We'd skewer up the dogs on wire
But where'd the ketchup go
Campfires and s'mores
They get the camp to hummin'
But if you leave out pork and beans
Then nobody wants to go

We cooked up the liver
'Til we saw their faces glum
So we opened up the pork and beans
And heard them holler yum!
No forks or knives
Heck! That didn't stop a thing
'Cause we found out we could make bowls
With just our yo-yo strings

We packed our trunks
Mom says still we can't go swimmin'
Because we scarfed our dinner
Less than half an hour ago
Now we're so bored
We're contemplating sunnin'
Or maybe we'll go skipping stones
Down by the water's shore

Coach Gregory said it would be like suicide
If we didn't pack the busses
To at least three cases high
We keep reserves
Just in case we're runnin' low
Kids at night will start to giggle cause
That's when the farts will BLOW....

We hear them grunt
As the farts commence to coming
one match alight would clear it
As this cabin starts to glow
Love fires at night
Outside we see one burning
And how they lost their teepee
Everybody seems to know

Well they run through the fire
Till the camps left in shambles
Then they'll go soak their tushes
In our only swimming hole
They'll blame those beans
For the burns they're receivin'
But if you leave out pork and beans
Then nobody wants to go

We heard the camp cook yelling
Squirrels ate our bread
But he knew of a way to make sure
All of them were dead
He had us get some coconuts
And soaked them in perfume
Then served 'em up with pork and beans
'Til squirrels all went kaboom!

We started crammin'
All the caramel cookies down
Then we raced to the lakebed
Where we dressed dads up as clowns
We stuffed our beds with cotton balls
And shouted to unwind
We spit out watermelon seeds
Then jumped on all the rinds

Swallowed our gum
Just so we could have another
The poison oak was ripe
And many camp-mates got those sores
Camp fires at night
Well they can be quite stunning
And everyone gets happy
When they gulp down choc'late s'mores

Yeah we used nature's dryers
When we did nature's laundry
And we carved our name in trunks
So future campers here would know
Our fun won't last
Cause the kids couldn't take it
When we're out of pork and beans
We must pack our things and go

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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 3   0
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 4   0
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 5   11
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User Comments

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Jason - August 05, 2008 - Report this comment
I like pork but not beans. No matter, great parody anyway. 555
AFW - August 05, 2008 - Report this comment
Highly hilarious and accurate account of a kid's camp life....Fantastically funny write, here
alvin - August 05, 2008 - Report this comment
one of your funniest ever.....i howled over many of the great lines
Paul Robinson - August 05, 2008 - Report this comment
very, very clever & imaginative. 5 downwind farts in each category ~ ~ ~
Tim Mayfield - August 05, 2008 - Report this comment
Thanks Jason, AFW, alvin, and Paul. I worked on this over a 9 month period, so I put a lot of tweaks in here. Glad they paid off. :-)
Below Average Dave - August 06, 2008 - Report this comment
Now that is a big song to undertake Mr. Tim, very impressive, and you walked the line between gross and funny without tipping to far into the gross--very polished.
Dr Music - August 06, 2008 - Report this comment
Genius. Pure genius. There's going to be a lot of 5's on your plate tonight.
Phil Alexander - August 06, 2008 - Report this comment
:-D

(mental images of Blazing Saddles round the camp fire)

...though possibly the most impressive bit was how you kept it up for such a long time. So to speak.
UnKnownVotress - August 06, 2008 - Report this comment
Did see a lot of "Port & Beans" at the Rodeo, during my vacation! Cowboys love it ! Quieres el carne, hombre ?
Tim Mayfield - August 06, 2008 - Report this comment
Thanks BADave. Ah, but you could tell I was losing my balance. :-)
Thanks Dr Music!
Thanks Phil. I didn't think of that before, but it reminds me of it too now. :-) I do kind of feel TOS is easy to write to, not like 'We Didn't Start The Fire' or 'The Raven'. Those almost cost me my sanity, although I might give up my sanity for Lent.
Thanks UnKnownVotress. We can't afford any carne, we have to use reconstituted chicken franks and only get a little carnitas in the pork and beans, mostly dissolved pork fat actually. :-)
Dr Music - August 07, 2008 - Report this comment
Food related songs are always welcome in my book. Considering that our mom happens to be a great cook. She can make almost anything.

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