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Song Parodies -> "Streets of Topeka (If Fred Phelps Sang 'Streets of Laredo')"

Original Song Title:

"Streets of Laredo"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Johnny Cash

Parody Song Title:

"Streets of Topeka (If Fred Phelps Sang 'Streets of Laredo')"

Parody Written by:

Patrick McWilliams

The Lyrics

I'm sure most readers here are familiar with Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas. Members of this extended family are notorious for picketing the funerals of military personnel killed in action, known gay celebrities, and most recently, the children who died in the school shooting in Connecticut. The church attributes all the evils in America, including hurricanes and forest fires, to our country's acceptance of homosexuality. I don't quite see the connection, but maybe I just haven't tried hard enough. The Westboro Church is known to sing parodies of patriotic and popular songs ("God Hates America", etc.) and some examples may be found on the Church's site or on youtube. I sent these lyrics to Fred a couple weeks ago. If anyone knows of him actually recording it, let me know. The original "Streets of Laredo" or "Dying Cowboy's Lament" was based on an old British or Irish song about a young man dying of syphilis. That would not be acceptable for an American audience, so his demise was changed to a more respectable gun shot wound. I think my version is more in keeping with the spirit of the original song.
As I walked out in the streets of Topeka
As I walked out in Topeka one day
I spied a young cowpoke, dressed in pink gingham
Limp were his wrists, for the cowpoke was gay

I could see by his outfit that he was a cowpoke
He'd poke those cows from the dawn til he'd sleep
And when he'd awaken on the very next morning
He'd go to the barn and that's where he'd poke sheep

"It was there in the village I used to go cruising
There in the village I used to go gay
First to the bathhouse and then to the flophouse
That's where I caught a dose, now I'm dying today

Send six mincing faggots to bear up my coffin
Six bull-dyke lesbians wailing a song
Down in the grim valley where Sodomites rally
Too late, this young cowpoke now knows he's done wrong

The virus spread slowly, in places lowly
Until it infected my deviant crew
Heedless, defiant, we took no precautions
Now all of my buddies are perishing too

Repeat my sad tale on my funeral morning
Tell how I transgressed the Commandments of God
And should my just fate at least serve as a warning
Perhaps the next cowpoke won't go where I've trod"

Then all at once the young cowpoke stopped speaking
His thin, wasted body went cold as the clay
And as he instructed, they wrapped him in linen
A party of perverts then took him away

You've just heard the tale of the gay caballero
You know how he lived, and the reason he's dead
Just read the inscription carved on his tombstone
"He was shot from behind, but it wasn't with lead"
Naturally, I came up with the last line first, and had to write the song around it.

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Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 8

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Callmelennie - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Try "El Paso" with our original "Edmund FitzGerald" mash up, Patrick -- Out in the ice water manse of Superior; I was capsized by a November gale.
Callmelennie - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Oops, I've mistook "Streets of Laredo" for Marty Robbin's "El Paso" But dang, those songs are so similar in lyrical structure, you could sing your song to "El Paso" without missing a beat. It's almost as if "El Paso" is "Streets of Laredo" to a faster beat
Old Man Ribber - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Patrick - Fred may not like this or use it, but I do! Fav lines include "Down in the grim valley where Sodomites rally" and "He was shot from behind and it wasn't with lead". ;D
Patrick - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
"He was shot from behind, but it wasn't with lead" was a line I thought up 20 years ago, with nowhere to use it. That was after I had first met Fred Phelps, but before I heard of him going on his anti-gay jihad. I've got a couple more lines like that, that I'll have to write songs around, because they are too good to lose. I remember a disco group called "K.C. and the Sunshine Band" who seemed to have a new hit every week back in the 1970's, with the same melody or beat, just changing the words a bit.
Rob Arndt - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Great parody-555! Sorry for the late comment but had to do errands today. I actually thought about you when I was in Wal-Mart b/c in the gun magazine section was a anti-zombie survival mag for $8.99 featuring real weapons (firearms and edged), survival gear, and vehicles. The new guns are what made me think of you, especially the Rossini revolver rifle. That gun is back and tactical with railings and synthetics! I thought to myself, "yeah, Patrick would probably love this sh*t" :)
Lifeliver - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
I found this really funny - some great lines, and I can understand why you built it around the final line. Some non-effeminate gays may object to the inevitable stereotyping (pink gingham, limp wrists) and the association with bestiality (a cowboy banging sheep in Laredo?). Speaking of sodomy, what is the bible's (ahem) 'position' on heterosexual anal sex, is that sodomy too?

I'm pretty sure Fred Phelps wouid be taking careful aim at the wastebasket. You think you can milk laughs from this filth? Our vengeful God's wrath is a serious business, as you will find out soon enough at an eternity coming soon near you. Triple-five damnation.
Patrick - January 05, 2013 - Report this comment
I suspect Phelps would find the cowboy's repentance to be out of synch with his theology. In the olden days, the stereotypical prophet of doom carried a sign which read "Repent! The End Is Near". Phelps preaches "Got Hates Fags", "Got Hates America", "Thank God For Improvised Explosive Devices" (the weapons that kill American soldiers in Afghanistan. I have often heard him say that America is doomed, but I have never once heard him say to repent or that God offers a way out if one will turn away from sin. This contradicts the basic Christian message as I understand it. If there is no repentance and if one is preordained to heaven or hell, then one's behavior in this world would be of little consequence for eternity.

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