Put my two lips - a little closer - to my bone.
Let's pretend - that I am playing - saxophone.
Don't get much work - but that's the trombone - curse you know.
For I don't care - 'cause it's my big horn - I'll have to blow.
Oh I can't help it - that I'm a brass player - I have pride,
And the horn - that I am playing - has a slide.
In Dixieland - my axe is grand - it's quite a show,
But still with rock - and even country - I'll have to blow.

If I played the bass guitar or drums
I'd be playing ev'ry night,
But I'd have to act just like those bums
So I guess I'm all right.

I wish I could be - just half as nimble - with my schlong,
For I do - seven positions - ev'ry song.
I grease my slide - with lubrication - it's not slow.
I can go up - and I can go down - I'll have to blow.