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Song Parodies -> "White Christmas (Politically Correct)"
Original Song Title:
"White Christmas"
(MP3)Original Performer:
Irving Berlin
Parody Song Title:
"White Christmas (Politically Correct)"
Parody Written by:
Chris Bodily TM
The Lyrics
Has political correctness gone too far? A tip of the hat to the late Stan Freberg and Daws Butler's "Elderly Man River" for the inspiration.
How would you all on Amiright enjoy a nice holiday tune?
*Censor*
Excuse me, but I am with Standards & Practices. I have been assigned to make sure your performance is politically correct and doesn’t offend anybody. And I will buzz you if you do.
*Singer*
Okay…?
[Music begins]
I'm dreaming--
[Buzz]
[Music stops]
*Censor*
No, you mustn’t! Think of all the people suffering from sleep disorders. Sleep apnea. Insomnia. Sleepwalking. You must change it to something less biased.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a white--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Absolutely not! Not everybody in the world is of Anglo-Saxon origin. Think of those who are of African, Asian, Hawaiian, Hispanic, or Latin origin. And that’s just scratching the surface!
*Singer*
But the snow is white!
*Censor*
Not my problem.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous Christmas--
*Censor*
Stop what you’re doing right now! Christmas was created to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
*Singer*
Here we go again.
*Censor*
What about Atheists? Jews? Agnostics? Muslims? Mormons?
*Singer*
You win.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the ones--
[Buzz]
Oh, what now?!
*Censor*
“The ones” could be seen as racist or discriminatory because it assumes you are not “one of them.” Are you familiar with the term, “You people?”
*Singer*
Oh, come on!
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to know--
[Buzz]
What’s wrong with “know?”
*Censor*
Have you not heard of Alzheimer’s? You don’t want to offend people suffering from that disorder.
*Singer*
Hell, they’ll forget what offended them!
[The censor is not amused]
*Censor*
Proceed.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children listen--
[Buzz]
Oh, right! Some people are deaf or hard of hearing. Grrr! What do you suggest?
*Censor*
“Obey.”
*Singer*
But that doesn’t make any sense in this context. (Sigh)
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To hear --
[Buzz]
--experience sleigh--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
No! We must not make any overt or direct references to Santa Claus.
*Singer*
Who the f**k else has a sleigh?!
[Silence. Crickets. A man coughs. A tumbleweed rolls by.]
Damn.
*Censor*
From the top.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the snow--
[Buzz]
Dammit, what now?!
*Censor*
“Snow” is a reference to the drug cocaine. We don’t want to encourage illegal drugs.
*Singer*
“Snow” is “water vapor frozen into ice crystals and falling in light white flakes or lying on the ground as a white layer.”
*Censor*
I don’t care; we mustn’t promote illicit substances. Especially illegal ones.
*Singer*
What about pot? Pot’s legal in a few states.
*Censor*
You win.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the legalized pot
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every Chris-- holiday card I--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Close. Oh so close. “Holiday” literally means “Holy day.” We must not offend nonbelievers, now.
*Singer*
Let’s just pick up from the second verse. Save us time and trouble.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every Hallmark card--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Not just any Hallmark card. A “nonspecific” Hallmark card.
*Singer*
Grr!
[Music resumes]
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I write--
*Censor*
Absolutely not!
*Singer*
Type? Use your phone? Tablet? Fax machine? Do they still have those?
*Censor*
“Write” could be misconstrued as “right,” as in “right-wing.” We certainly don’t want to align ourselves with Donald Trump.
*Singer*
I’d rather vote for Kanye West, too, but come on! Anyone who misinterprets the lyrics that badly has… a s**tload of problems.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be merry--
[Buzz]
Happy?
*Censor*
Roughly 350 million people suffer from depression.
*Singer*
Make that 350,000,001. We’ll never make it through this damn song because everything has to be so damn politically correct. What do you suggest?
*Censor*
“Non-mood specific.”
*Singer*
Makes sense.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be non-mood specific and bright--
[Buzz]
*Singer*
Am I offending shadows?
*Censor*
“Bright” could be interpreted as favoring people with Anglo-Saxon skin color.
*Singer*
Give me a f**king break! What do you suggest? “Chromatically ambiguous?”
*Censor*
That might be psychologically disturbed enough to work.
*Singer*
I can’t remember where we left off. Can we start from the beginning again?
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the legalized pot
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be non-mood specific and chromatically ambiguous
And may all your secular observances be racially ambiguous
*Censor*
You’ve still got two more verses.
*Singer*
I give up! Let’s sing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” Oops, I mean, “Rudolph the Communist Nosed Reindeer.”
*Censor*
You mean, “Rudolph the Native American Nosed Reindeer.” We mustn’t promote communism.
*Singer*
You already do.
*Censor*
Excuse me, but I am with Standards & Practices. I have been assigned to make sure your performance is politically correct and doesn’t offend anybody. And I will buzz you if you do.
*Singer*
Okay…?
[Music begins]
I'm dreaming--
[Buzz]
[Music stops]
*Censor*
No, you mustn’t! Think of all the people suffering from sleep disorders. Sleep apnea. Insomnia. Sleepwalking. You must change it to something less biased.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a white--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Absolutely not! Not everybody in the world is of Anglo-Saxon origin. Think of those who are of African, Asian, Hawaiian, Hispanic, or Latin origin. And that’s just scratching the surface!
*Singer*
But the snow is white!
*Censor*
Not my problem.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous Christmas--
*Censor*
Stop what you’re doing right now! Christmas was created to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
*Singer*
Here we go again.
*Censor*
What about Atheists? Jews? Agnostics? Muslims? Mormons?
*Singer*
You win.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the ones--
[Buzz]
Oh, what now?!
*Censor*
“The ones” could be seen as racist or discriminatory because it assumes you are not “one of them.” Are you familiar with the term, “You people?”
*Singer*
Oh, come on!
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to know--
[Buzz]
What’s wrong with “know?”
*Censor*
Have you not heard of Alzheimer’s? You don’t want to offend people suffering from that disorder.
*Singer*
Hell, they’ll forget what offended them!
[The censor is not amused]
*Censor*
Proceed.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children listen--
[Buzz]
Oh, right! Some people are deaf or hard of hearing. Grrr! What do you suggest?
*Censor*
“Obey.”
*Singer*
But that doesn’t make any sense in this context. (Sigh)
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To hear --
[Buzz]
--experience sleigh--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
No! We must not make any overt or direct references to Santa Claus.
*Singer*
Who the f**k else has a sleigh?!
[Silence. Crickets. A man coughs. A tumbleweed rolls by.]
Damn.
*Censor*
From the top.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the snow--
[Buzz]
Dammit, what now?!
*Censor*
“Snow” is a reference to the drug cocaine. We don’t want to encourage illegal drugs.
*Singer*
“Snow” is “water vapor frozen into ice crystals and falling in light white flakes or lying on the ground as a white layer.”
*Censor*
I don’t care; we mustn’t promote illicit substances. Especially illegal ones.
*Singer*
What about pot? Pot’s legal in a few states.
*Censor*
You win.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the legalized pot
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every Chris-- holiday card I--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Close. Oh so close. “Holiday” literally means “Holy day.” We must not offend nonbelievers, now.
*Singer*
Let’s just pick up from the second verse. Save us time and trouble.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every Hallmark card--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Not just any Hallmark card. A “nonspecific” Hallmark card.
*Singer*
Grr!
[Music resumes]
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I write--
*Censor*
Absolutely not!
*Singer*
Type? Use your phone? Tablet? Fax machine? Do they still have those?
*Censor*
“Write” could be misconstrued as “right,” as in “right-wing.” We certainly don’t want to align ourselves with Donald Trump.
*Singer*
I’d rather vote for Kanye West, too, but come on! Anyone who misinterprets the lyrics that badly has… a s**tload of problems.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be merry--
[Buzz]
Happy?
*Censor*
Roughly 350 million people suffer from depression.
*Singer*
Make that 350,000,001. We’ll never make it through this damn song because everything has to be so damn politically correct. What do you suggest?
*Censor*
“Non-mood specific.”
*Singer*
Makes sense.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be non-mood specific and bright--
[Buzz]
*Singer*
Am I offending shadows?
*Censor*
“Bright” could be interpreted as favoring people with Anglo-Saxon skin color.
*Singer*
Give me a f**king break! What do you suggest? “Chromatically ambiguous?”
*Censor*
That might be psychologically disturbed enough to work.
*Singer*
I can’t remember where we left off. Can we start from the beginning again?
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the legalized pot
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be non-mood specific and chromatically ambiguous
And may all your secular observances be racially ambiguous
*Censor*
You’ve still got two more verses.
*Singer*
I give up! Let’s sing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” Oops, I mean, “Rudolph the Communist Nosed Reindeer.”
*Censor*
You mean, “Rudolph the Native American Nosed Reindeer.” We mustn’t promote communism.
*Singer*
You already do.
Your Vote & Comment Counts
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Voting Results
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Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| Pacing | How Funny | Overall Rating | |||||||||
| 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | ||||||||
| 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | ||||||||
| 4 | 2 | 2 | 1 | ||||||||
| 5 | 22 | 24 | 25 |
User Comments
Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.
Best Christmas parody of the year so far.
FYI- Mormons are Christians. The full name of the domination is "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints"
This is truly funny. Have an unambiguously Merry Christmas and a happy New Year of fine parodies.
Marvellous
tee hee hee alright so the pacing's clearly off due to the bickering with the censor and the overly "PC" lyrics but it's so "bleep" funny I'll even give that a pass! Congratulations Chris Bodily TM you have won the internet! may all your days be Merry and Bright and may all your Christmases be white! 5's
I liked this one. Political Correctness is Marxism with tuxedo on. 555
This was an amazing idea and execution. Pacing is way off but that kind of makes the joke even better!
Political Correctness is capitalism wearing bib overalls.
Awesome, Chris! Christmas finally has its own 'Who's on First?'!
So that's why Christmas isn't white anymore!
It seems we are getting this year a colour ambiguous Midwinter Feast here in Finland No water in solid, crystalline phase anywhere.
Wow ! you had fun with this one...You'd get a zillion hits on youtube if recorded
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