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Song Parodies -> "Jesus Loves The Little Children?"

Original Song Title:

"Jesus Loves The Little Children"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Jesus Loves The Little Children?"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

Sorry if this offends, but I heard the original recently and it made my blood boil: if he really *does* love all the wickle itty-bitty children in the world, then WTF doesn't he so something to prevent the famine, abuse etc. etc. we see all around?
Does he call the children dear,
As they starve and live in fear
For he loves the little children of the world?
Sorry, I don't understand
Why He never lends a hand
If He loves the little children of the world

Jesus loves the little children?
All the children of the world.?
Red and yellow, black and white,
Seems to me that that's pure shite
Like Hell He loves children of the world.

If He is a shepherd, then
Why's his flocking flock in pain
If He loves the little children of the world;
He's a Saviour who don't save
He has priests who don't behave
And He loves the little children of the world?


If you're coming, Lord, come quick
'Cause I'm afraid you make me sick
Saying You love the little children of the world;
And if you've any power, will ya
Stamp out fear and paedophilia
If You love the little children of the world.


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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.7
How Funny: 2.5
Overall Rating: 2.5

Total Votes: 20

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   9
 2   2
 3   1
 4   2
 5   6

User Comments

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Royce Miller - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil, this is what I love about you; you are so honest. I love the song "Jesus Loves the Little Children", cause I believe he does. If everything was right in the world, would it make people believe?
Phil Alexander - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
History would suggest that people believe more in times of hardship and repression than when everything's right with the world - I guess if things are going well, we all think "We have made things good", but when they to to hell in a handbasket, people think "Why is God doing this to me"... people are more likely to believe in a God when there's something they need to blame Him for.
Kristof Robertson - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
To paraphrase Gloria Estefan, "Christians are gonna getcha"...but this is a very poignant, well thought out piece. I agree that hardship makes faith stronger, but aren't children supposed to be innocent? God has some serious explaining to do.
Reverend J. - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Jesus does love the little children, Phil, just as He loves you in spite of your blatant atheism. The reason why they stave is because of greedy Governments and the selfishness in not sharing the education in cultivation and fishing. So your anger is misplaced. I may not change your mind, I'm not trying too. But I need to say this. Thank you for respecting.
Phil Alexander - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
He's all-powerful, He loves them all... and yet He lets innocents starve, be abused (even by those purporting to serve Him), live lives of fear and deprivation. Yeah, sure He loves them.
Loosekanen (The Armstrong) - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil... I believe you've hatched something that will become even more hated than our supposedly biggoted "love of a mormon" The only thing I've got to say is that jesus died to save us and i can't think of anything else that shows more love. Life is just an interlude of our time with him. Those who are persecuted will sit with him when it really matters. Should we sit back and let it happen? No, but God isn't there to control our decisions. We choose our paths.
Adagio - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Right, Armstrong.....all people were given free will by God. If they choose to use that free will by perscuting people and abusing children, it is on their heads. Free will=loving God of our own free will.
Know 1 can hear you dream - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
DKTOS (maybe there´s a Swedish version that I would recognice if I heard it) but
"And if you've any power, will ya
Stamp out fear and paedophilia"
is a rhyme/statement above the average. Even for AmiRight.
Phil Alexander - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment

...don't leave the web page open for too long - it's got a MIDI background sound on repeat...
Here's what you need to understand, Philbo - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
--Whenever something GOOD happens (e.g., a missing child is returned safely, Aunt Lulu recovers from cancer, gentle rains help the pretty flowers grow), this God's doing; He is blessing us with His love.

--Whenever something BAD happens (e.g., a missing child is found dismembered, Aunt Lulu suffers and dies of cancer, floods kill 2000 in Haiti), it's just because, well, that's the way it is.

It's quite simple, really.
Johnny D - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
555. Karma.
Beelzebub - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
I know this ain't a philosophy site, but I don't know that it makes a great deal of sense to question the motives of something of someone else's invention. Does it really make sense to think of 'God' in human terms -- as an 'entity', with 'motives' and 'decisions' -- sure lots of people choose to think of God that way -- and that's fine if it works for them, but to take another person's personal creation and then be angry at it... I don't know that that's very empowering. But hey, if it is for you, then who am I to say... Peace.
Druid the WebMaster - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Human survive in God's beautiful plan. Its called LIFE, and life is full of hard times and goodtimes. We are aii the children of God. Some praise Christ for his love love. Some hate him for the same thing. God does not act one way or the other. That's the way he created life. Badness jumpstarts goodness. One does not exist without the other . Some offspring don't blame God's children, and elevate the love through poems Others write poems that blame the evil on the son of God. The son of God loves the children, or all of us. God just holds his/her creation together evil/goodness creates it, as it is. Both types of god's children are just following the will of the father, Who just is, always was, and always will be Love. Jesus will always love us all ways. Both types. God will always love both types also. Humans exists in good/bad situations. Thats the way Creation is formed God doesn't care, God lives the prey, and the predaters alike, but his son does. God's will be done....Not the human's for humans fear death , and death is the gateway to the kingdom the kingdom frees all the creatures of the perils of life. Life feeds off life. The will of God!
Dan - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
According to the Bible, all the bad things that happen in the world are a result of sin. Before people sinned, life was perfect. It also explains sin very well. Also, it emphasizes that only people who believe in and have a personal relationship with Jesus and ask Him to forgive their sins will go to Heaven. And God chooses not to be involved with the world much in post-Biblical days, leaving it to Satan until He comes back and Revelation's prophecies are fulfilled.
Melhi - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
I thought you did a great job with this Phil. Great pacing, great writing and you weren't aiming at funny, but you nailed the target you did set your sites on. I was going to cite a couple of lines as particularly well done, but K1 beat me to it and said it better than I would have, so I'll just say "Ditto K1chyd." :) Be sure to keep us posted on whether you've been struck down by lightening or suddenly find yourself covered in festering boils. ;)
Phil Alexander - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Funny you mention that, Melhi: I put up just such a challenge roundabout a year ago -

...and I'm still here...

Beelzebub (well, I had God writing a comment to that one I mentioned above, I guess the devil should have a go, too), this one isn't so much about the nature of God, but of the intensely annoying hymns, such as the source song for this parody. Looking around, I'd say it's incontrovertible that there is no all-powerful being who actually loves the little children round the world, as He would never let this sort of shit happen to them. You can choose this to imply either that there is no omnipotence, or He simply doesn't give a damn for the suffering of innocents. I can't believe anybody can even consider arguing this particular point. But what rubs salt into that particular wound is that people write & sing inane hymns saying something which is palpably untrue.

And it's more than a little disingenuous to blame it all on "sin" when these children haven't had a chance to do any real sinning.
Rick D - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
I agreed with what "Here's to understand..." in a previous work
Robert J. Pagliaro - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Don't know the original song and generally won't vote if this is the circumstance. However, the comments caught me and I had to read the piece. Because the comments took exception to the philosophy and not the pacing, I assume that my 5 there will be accepted. It was well-written and and conveyed a well-thought out message; resulting in the two other fives (again, I use my own definition of "Funny"). I'm an agnostic but if there is a God and he is what the believers say he is, I suspect that when I die he'll meet me at the gates and say, "Bob, you didn't accept nor believe in me but, overall, you led a good life - Come on in."
Stray Pooch - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Well, Phil, you have succeeded in making a controversial and pointed parody here. I disagree with the point entirely and I could go into much detail about it. But this is a belief you feel strongly about and it would be pointless (not to mention rather arrogant). Since this is a parody site and as such invites this kind of controversy I see nothing wrong with the parody. I am, however, a bit put off by your subsequent comments. I sing (and indeed write) these kinds of "inane" hymns sincerely - and I believe your assertion that they are "palpably untrue" is arrogant in its turn. I understand and respect your feeling that God cannot possibly love someone and allow them to suffer. But I have a far different understanding from you on that issue and believe that love is part of the reason such suffering is allowed. As a person who has suffered physical, emotional and sexual abuse as a child, I can relate to the anger at God. Been there, done that, got over it. But I would suggest that you (perhaps without intending to) are painting a pretty bleak picture of those of us who choose to believe in a loving God in spite of the evils of life. If this is "rubbing salt in your wounds" please know it is not my intention. I personally do not believe you will be struck by lightning or burn in hell. There is a line from another hymn I love that I tend to think of when I try to read into other peoples motivations: "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." I have no idea where you will spend eternity but I do know that God can deal with your anger at him without lightning bolts or holy warriors. Cripes, I'm getting dangerously preachy!! Way to generate a firestorm, Phil!! LOL.
Melhi - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Funny you'd mention that parody, Phil -- it still ranks right up there as one of the funniest things I've ever read! I still catch myself singing your chorus to that one around the house, once in awhile.
MrMacphisto - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Holy crap... brave move, Phil..... I liked it a lot, and I'm agnostic. This is a very good question though.... It reminds me of U2's "Wake Up, Dead Man."
Claude Prez - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
It's the fiery pits of hell for all eternity for you, mister. Plus no TV for a WHOLE WEEK. Actually, this reminds me a lot of XTC's "Dear God"; very well done. I do admit to being a little disappointed by some of the comments, though. Is it just me or do we have some extremely tolerant and thoughtful religious folks around here? C'mon, where's the fire and brimstone, dammit? You guys are supposed to be hateful and narrowminded; it makes it easier to dismiss you. I gotta finish "Blasphemian Rhapsody"; that oughta do it.
Rick D - May 27, 2004 - Report this comment
When I was seven or eight, I went to church (because my parents were new to the neighborhood and wanted to fit in) I went to the local church. After they told me to pray every day or die, I didn't have to go anymore. But ever since then, even as a kid, I would sing to myself "Scare the Bejesus out of me, scare the Bejesus out of me, Scare the Bejesus out of me, the Bible does it well....."
alvin rhodes - May 28, 2004 - Report this comment
well done phil....
Stray Pooch - May 28, 2004 - Report this comment
Alright, Claude, you better come through with "Blasphemian Rhapsody" - lol!!! Oh, the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I-O-N!!!
Phil Alexander - May 28, 2004 - Report this comment
I just wanted to add a thank you to everyone who's made such a thoughtful lot of comments, especially to those who disagree but took the time to make considered responses, rather than knee-jerk antagonistic ones this parody could quite easily have got.

..and I can't wait for "Blasphemian Rhapsody": Is this a real Truth, is this a heresy?... damn, not much rhymes with "heresy"
Olvan The Terrible - May 28, 2004 - Report this comment
A nice, well-paced, thought-provoking parody on a commonly discussed subject of religion and philosophy. All 5's. By the way: I can think of a perfect rhyme for heresy: Clerisy. It can mean either "the literati, or well educated class" or "the clergy, or their opinions, as opposed to the laity." A relevant word indeed.
Scott - May 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you for your comment Reverend J. For a moment there I had forgotten that governments were more powerful than God.
EmiLoca - May 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil Alexander: Pharisee. Mwaha! That might fit well. This parody made me feel so sacreligious...I give it a *hides behind crucifix*
Michelle - June 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Jesus does love everyone. However, it is us the people who are supposed to help one another as Jesus Body. But we have not. So it is not God's fault. It is our OWN fault. But sometimes it is easier to blame God than to admit it as our own responsibility.
Michelle - June 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Jesus Body being obedient and faithful Christians.
2nz - June 07, 2004 - Report this comment
I've gots ta hand out a dktos for this for now, Philbo. I just have one rather large issue with there being no God whatsoever. If there is no god, then how can we think and reason? If you look at the fossil record, there is a point where all of a sudden (alright, all of a sudden might be thousands of years here) homo-sapiens started using stone tools and showing real evidence that their intelligence had increased greatly in a very short time. Evolution can't do that. I believe strongly that there never were TWO people in a garden eating apples. I BELIEVE in evolution, but there are certain FACTS about us being here and being who we are that science just can't explain. I guess my point is, I know that I am because of some force far greater than myself, and I call it God.
Phil Alexander - June 08, 2004 - Report this comment
2nz, don't you realize that you're taking a small "I don't know" (the difference in reasoning ability between, say, us and chimps) and replacing it with one humungous one (the existance of something totally overwhelming). In taking the "I don't know, therefore God exists" argument, you're actually making a much, much bigger leap of faith.

Looking at the results of evolution as we see them now, it doesn't seem to me to be much of a jump from social ape to what we are now, no God required.
2nz - June 14, 2004 - Report this comment
Exactly Phil. I just don't think it's that overwhelming. Could there be no God, yeah. Why is everything here and what happens when we die and all that? Not a clue. I'm just willing to take the leap of faith. If I end up falling, then hey, maybe I'll learn to fly.
Not 2nz - July 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Dude, you're definitly going to hell!
Mike Smith - January 31, 2006 - Report this comment
Jesus does love the little children, but sometimes it's hard to see. Jesus needs us to go and help the children. The parody was clever, and I can see why you feel this way. Many Christians are'nt not doing their job as good wittnesses. (although fortunatly some are(i hope ur one)). Any little effort to help or be a missionary makes a difference so Jesus's love can be spread.
Sam - January 31, 2006 - Report this comment
replying to the comment about some one going to hell......I don't know if its all a joke, but for anyone who thinks they r going 2 hell: we'll u don't have's ur choice ......JESUS DOES LOVE YOU!!! Anyone can go to heaven, they just have to accept Jesus..(u know that hell smells like burning says that in the Bible...u don't want to go there(its NO party) I hope to see u dancing ur heart out in heaven with me!!!
asparigus - January 31, 2006 - Report this comment
I totally agree with Michelle!!!
in response to Robert J. Pagliaro...or anyone else with the smae opinion - January 31, 2006 - Report this comment
Leading a good life won't get u in2 heaven alone........I'm not telling u that u r totally wrong 2 think this, because it seems many ppl think this. Jesus loves u and he died 4 u (uv probably heard this b4), and he wants u to be able the go to heaven, but heaven is a perfect place. Everyone has sinned (including me, my church's pastor, and you) With sin we cannot enter heaven. The reson Jesus dies was for a punishment for our sins, so we would not have to suffer. The Bible says that Jesus said, "no one can can see the kingdom of heaven except through me." Jesus loves u, (like i said b4) he loves all u have to do is accept him, ask him to forgive u of ur sins and for him to come into ur life. U say ur already a pretty good person so living as a Christian shouldn't be too hard(i hope) Jesus will help make it easier to to do all u have to do is read the Bible to learn more, pray and talk with God often, try not to be a hypocrite like many of us, and find a church so u can grow through, if u read that all ur cool
Just another part of the body of Christ - March 01, 2006 - Report this comment
I just want to ECHO the "in response to Robert J. Pagliaro...or anyone else with the same opinion. That response is totally true. Reason it is true - it is not a response from just another person. It is an answer straight out of the BIBLE. That is why it is RIGHT! Right for anyone who will accept and believe it. About the song: At first I was upset and a bit angry then I sat and realized that perhaps maybe Phil and some of the the other responders were a bit ignorant (not to mean stupid - just not knowing). I would never be upset with a blind person for walking into a tree - So why would I be upset with someone who may not understand the LOVE OF GOD! So hope this will help shed some light: It is true that sin has enter in with the disobedience of Adam & Eve. So you see the turmoil and perils that we are faced with today are all a result of sin (disobedience). Our Sin we have all sinned and fallen short. When we finally realize that we don't have to make excuses for these sins or hide behind them or even blame others (friends, family or even our loving and JUST GOD and choose to accept the LOVE, MERCY & GRACE that Jesus extends us we start to see changes in our own lives which then expands outward to those around us. God knows our true motives. HE FORGIVES, RESTORES and BLESSES only when we our honest about our sins.
Phil Alexander - March 02, 2006 - Report this comment
OK, so which part of the body of Christ are you, then? On the other hand, don't answer that one... I'll use my imagination.
Sorry, but I don't agree with the contention that just because an answer comes out of the bible it is necessarily true: there are too many things which are not even remotely possibly based in any kind of fact whatsoever in the bible for me to give much credence to the bits which are merely unprovable.
But let me just check that I've got the gist of your argument: this "just god" who has love, mercy, grace and all that loves all the millions of children; and their pain, suffering and starvation is all 'cause Adam and Eve were disobedient? Did you say "just" by any chance? 'Cause to quote Ian Hislop: "If this is justice, I'm a banana"
Royce Miller - March 02, 2006 - Report this comment
Phil, I think you and I had a pretty good conversation with the first two comments (way at the top!) I want to add that I don't think people can possibly figure out all the answers, as to why children suffer, as to all the suffering in the world, etc. But in trying to figure out such a hugh mass of "stuff", people tend to lose sight of the fact that Jesus "stands at the door and knocks". He knocks at the door of those who have let him in, and at the door of those who have not. Those who have let him in still need him every day. Religion has failed people in many respects. But everyone has the capability of reading and being helped by, God's word. And God speaks to people in may ways in addition to his word, because he cares about the individual. He knows how to get through to each person.
Just another part of the body of Christ - March 02, 2006 - Report this comment
Thank you for your response and the allowance of dialogue to be started. I can see that my using the word "ignorant" in my previous response - I was not that far off. The ignorance is evident in your question "so which part of the body of Christ are you, then? I could let you use your imagination (although a very creative imagination) I really don't think you honestly want to answer your own question. So please allow me The Body of Christ - All who are genuinely born again; the true church. The greek word for Church literally means "the called out ones" signifying the stark separation that has already occurred between them (the believer) and the unsaved world. That does not mean that we claim we are better than others and/ or sinless and perfect - only Forgiven . It means that we have given our lives to Christ and with His help He will lead and guide us. With being a part of the body of Christ comes the JOY of being the hands to help serve those who are in need. The feet to help work in those areas that can end starvation. The arms to hold tight to those suffering from the hands of an UNSAVED WORLD (bring it down a notch an UNSAVED PERSON). The head to not judge but use discernment and the heart to LOVE abundantly and unconditionally just as our loving father does. I see that you do not quite agree with me on the "It is an answer straight out of the BIBLE. That is why it is RIGHT!" My question is an honest question. Not maliciously asked.....Have you read the BIBLE? or are you going along with the popular delusion that the BIBLE is full of mistakes and is no longer relevant to our modern world? We can touch back on this topic later - if you would like.... Finally, to get to the so called "Gist" of my argument. God did not create a world of suffering, starvation, pain...etc. He created a perfect world where all was provided. Through the disobedience of Adam and Eve they chose (through deception - which is a battle today) sin entered in. See God did not create us as puppets. We have our own free will. What we do whether right or wrong is by our own choice. There is really no such thing as the "innocent" suffering. Since "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). The world is now under God's Curse (Genesis 3:17) because of man's rebellion against God's Word. This "bondage of corruption," with the "whole world groaning and travailing together in pain" (Romans 8:21,22) is universal, affecting all men and women and children everywhere. God did not create the world this way, and one day because He IS a JUST God (lawful) He will set all things right again. In that day, " God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain" (Revelation 21:4) So you see I'm not saying that God is punishing us by starvation, suffering & pain those are all element that entered in due to disobedience and we now suffer them by our own hands. Once again thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you even more if you take the time to read this long one.
Phil Alexander - March 03, 2006 - Report this comment
Well, in my book the head should used to think and to make decisions based on evidence rather than fairy story; and the heart should pump blood around the body. Quote the bible and talk in metaphor all you like: it means nothing, nada, zip: there isn't one single, tiny, miniscule jot of evidence that there is a god, let alone that he cares even the tiniest amout for any one of us, and certainly no love, mercy let alone justice. If you're ripe to try converting, come and argue here:
Adagio - March 03, 2006 - Report this comment
Phil, just from the sidelines...I've been watching this debate going on for I don't know how long. I don't believe faith or belief in God can be debated into a person. That part is up to God. The most we can do is show a good example. So, I believe in God, and from that standpoint, pray that God will see fit to open people's eyes as He sees fit, not as we do.
Phil Alexander - March 03, 2006 - Report this comment
Pat - I agree: faith almost by definition cannot be either induced or removed by debate... it doesn't have anything at all to do with logic or reason, and if you debate without either of those then it ain't exactly a debate. If you see what I mean.
Just another part of the body of Christ - March 03, 2006 - Report this comment
My attention was not to convert. As stated above it is everyone's own choice....God doesn't force anyone and neither would I. We all have FREE WILL . If you go back and read our correspondance with one another. I started with just adding my comments just as you have allowed everyone else here to do. From there I went on to answering YOUR questions. You see it is not my job nor do I have the power to convert someone. My duty is to be a good witness and help others to gain an understanding of our Father's LOVE, MERCY and GRACE through my everyday life.
Elizabeth - November 19, 2006 - Report this comment
Well in my opinion, I guess that you haven't read the Bible and your faith in the Lord is little to none. To gain understanding and knowledge in our Lord first you need to believe and second you need to put your faith in him and by doing so accepting him in your heart as your Christ and Savior. I will pray for you tonight and people like you who are quick to act without thinking. God loves you and so do I and I am sure he will forgive you as he has forgiven all of us for our sins as jesus died for us on the cross on Calvary. Amen
Phil Alexander - November 20, 2006 - Report this comment
Well, Elizabeth, you're half right: I have read the Bible, and my belief is that the God described therein is a logical and physical impossibility. To describe this as "quick to act without thinking" is another example of the incompatibility between religion and logic: from the outside looking in, it seems to me that the more faith a person has, the more likely they are to act without thinking.
Jack D - May 23, 2007 - Report this comment
Quote: "I want to matter. I want to count. When I hear the children sing, 'Jesus Loves Me," I hope he does. I really hope he does."-Vidin Molidin, practicing physician in the former Soviet Union
Wilson Rogers - May 23, 2007 - Report this comment
I never met anyone angrier at God than an atheist.
Phil Alexander - May 24, 2007 - Report this comment
How can I be angry at any of the gods out there, Jack, given that there aren't any? What angers me is the wilful self-delusion of the people who believe there is some sky-pixie out there who "loves all the little children", when all the evidence all around us is that there ain't no such being.
Friend - October 14, 2007 - Report this comment
There is no greater darkness than life in a void. The anger of your words reveals great hurt. Why so hurt and why so angry about someone who does not exist, Phil? That is irrational. Your anger and hurt speak more loudly than your words and they say that you DO believe in God; you simply don't like Him. So sorry. I really do hope that in your abyss you see light that will lead you because one day we will face God whether we like it or not. He does love you, Phil. Praying for you.
Phil Alexander - October 14, 2007 - Report this comment
Sorry, Friend, but you misread what I'm saying: if there were a God, then any rational person would have to be pissed off with the sadistic, duplicitous, murdering bastard. But there isn't - I'm ranting at a metaphor. Not the most profitable of pastimes, but hell, what is?
bobpiecheese - October 15, 2007 - Report this comment
Allow me to put my humble input:

First, it's not God's fault that there's a lot of bullcrap in this world. As someone may or may not have mentioned, it's actually because of the Devil.

Secondly, the fossil record is a pile of fetid dingo's kidneys. Natural selection is a lump of rotting wombat's intestine. In fact, if one carefully analyses the theory of evolution, one would discover it's all a load of koala vomit. I've done it my self.

Lastly, I'm not trying to convert you, Phil. Neither am I trying to heave my beliefs on anybody. I am simply stating my opinions. If someone miraculously converts because of me, wonderful. If I open me e-mail inbox tomorrow and my computer explodes, then woopty-doo. Make of my spiel what you will. This is just my honest opinion.
Phil Alexander - October 15, 2007 - Report this comment
After reading your first two paragraphs, I was firmly under the impression you were posting tongue in cheek. After reading the last one, I'm not so sure. As Shania Twain once said: "You must be joking, right?"
Anti-Christ - October 15, 2007 - Report this comment
Oh my gawd . . . the bible thumpers really do come out with the hogwash, don't they? If they hadn't created god in their own image, the idea of god might be more palatable. Instead, we get the Jesus freaks like Ann Coulter who want to go out and convert the Jews to Christianity. Right!
The Gay Voice - October 15, 2007 - Report this comment
I love you Phil. . .well--as a parodist--everyone uses God as a reason for hate, and if God is real--I don't think he would support his name being invoked as often as it is. The truth of the matter is, all the proof religion has is some book that has been edited, re-written, cut, amended and changed many times over the years. I'll believe in Christianity when they prove that the world really is flat like they had someone killed for speaking against just because Aristotle 'theorized' that the world was flat, or that the moon contains heaven, or that the world will end in 2000- -oh wait, all of those thing have already proven false, all the proof I need. . .I follow my heart, not a book spewing hate written by men with power and corrupted greed who try to control their dominions with fear and paranoia.
Below Average Dave - October 15, 2007 - Report this comment
By theological beliefs, conqueror. . .I do not mean to meddle in religious debate, I have my own personal feelings to all of this, but you left one very important open door dis-proving your own words. . .and I hope this does not affect your respect for my parodies as your opinion does not affect my respect for yours. . .but According to religious beliefs, particularly Christianity, God created everything--correct? In that case, did he not also create Satan, or the "saint" that would become Satan, and temptation--therefore indirectly creating, and I quote, "bullcrap in this world."? Again, I don't say this to be mean. . .I say this because the arguments I have heard on the side of Christianity do tend to contradict themselves, and that is why, whether or not I believe in a higher power, I cannot follow the words of the Christians who hate so many people just for being who they are.
bobpiecheese - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Dave, Dave, Dave. When God created Lucifer, He did not know he would try and take control of the heavens. That was the one thing that God did not know. Since he didn't, Lucifer rebelled, and he and his third of God's angels were booted out, where Satan (his new name) started to plot against anything God did. Also, God did not anticipate the Devil trying to tempt Eve. You may be right about some Christian arguments contradicting themselves. However, most evolutionist arguments have more holes than Swiss cheese.

And Phil, I was posting seriously. I should've listened to my teacher when he said not to write everything informally.

Gay Voice, it's not God's fault that the Church killed people for speaking against what they believed. That was us humans, plagued by sin, who took that approach instead of listening to God 100% like they should've done. God didn't want them to do that. They just did it. The Catholic Church then did not have one screw fully tightened.
stuart mcarthur - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
but bobpie, this is all stuff that people have told you or that you've read in The Bible. If you'd been raised a Muslim, you would've been told other stories, about other characters, and be believing them instead.

Do you really think that Lucifer and God's angels existed? Do you really think these incidents between God and Satan actually happened at some point in time? Half the world (the Muslims) don't even know about this stuff. "But it's in the Bible" is as strong an argument as "But it's not in The Koran".

When you and a Muslim are together at the Pearly Gates, will it really come down to a countdown moment where the Gatekeeper reveals which of you was right and which of you wasted a life being told the wrong stories? Just a 50/50 shot? (or 10/90...whatever...).

And how can you be confident that your story will be victorious, when the other guy is just as confident? - and when you factor in that each of your stories was not derived from an intelligent thought process but just inherited from community folk older than you, and inexplicably elevated by that dodgy label "faith"?.

And will the unlucky one of your pair really be banished to hell for being on the wrong side? - given that your only crime is that you unthinkingly inherited your faith from your Sunday School teacher or parents or ancestors? Is that a crime enough to deserve hell? Because organised religions (as opposed to personally constructed beliefs) are really just basically "belief viruses" that are passed down through and contaminate generation after generation..

When I was 4 years old I was told that a penguin lived in our refrigerator and that he would come out of his secret penguin cubby to turn the refrigerator light off whenever someone closed the fridge door. When I was 6 though, I realised there was a logical scientific explanation as to why the light went off. So I chose to release my belief in the fridge penguin. And I certainly would not have gone on to compound my lazy "belief virus" by angrily accusing those who believed it was actually a fridge walrus that their walrus story was wrong and that my penguin story was right - yeah? - yeah? - okay, let's blow each other up and murder each others' children!!!.

Religions were borne in the Dark Ages where explanations had to be found, and were appropriately sought, to address peoples' fears of death and the unknown. That intrinsic desire to search for answers and the truth is (alongside the ability to love) the shining quality of humanity..

But when this admirable search for answers eventually leads you to an understanding of electrical circuitry, it's bizarre to make a choice to still believe in a fridge penguin.
Phil Alexander - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Before I say anything else: Security code 666. Says it all, don't it?

Bob - I urge you to have a look at and a think about arguments for evolution vs creation: yes, there are holes in evolutionary theories - but there is a lot of solid stuff all around the holes (I've stood on a Swiss cheese before now, and it held my weight). There are also a lot of areas that used to be holes.. and what do you know - when more evidence was found, it fitted just where you expected it to. The reason you are unable to see any holes in creationist arguments is that there is no substance there whatsoever.
Red Ant - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Good parody, Phil, but the comments here are priceless...

Stu, I want a penguin for my refrigerator... not to believe in him, just because it would be pretty cool. And it could turn off the light if the switch ever failed. And I could probably train it to fetch me beer. =)
Below Average Dave - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Conqueror, you just answered my comment with proof of what I am saying. You said yourself, he created Lucifer. If he himself 'created' Lucifer, he created that evil, that temptation, that fallen angel. You can say he didn't know, but then you are arguing against Fate which the bible also teaches, so that is contradicted also. Either God created Lucifer knowing that he would become Satan or He has nothing to do with it--you can't have it both ways--just as the bible states that Jesus knew what was coming, according to the bible God has plans for all of your lives. . .see that's what I mean--it's all stories. . .stories that led me to suicidal thoughts at one point when I realized I practiced something that my religion was against. It was when I let go of the bible that I found peace and happiness because I was no longer bound by control and giving my money every Sunday to some guy who spoke a language I didn't understand. I know the bible inside and out Conqueror, and I'm sorry--but it has far less evidence behind it than the theory of Evolution you are against. . .again I won't judge your parodies on your personal believes, but as Stu said, just because it says "this happened" doesn't mean it did. . .it is a book, a book made by men. You should research the Salem Witch Trials that took place in Massachusetts, bob, that is a very vivid example when you believe things just because they are said, especially when your only proof is the words of other men. As for what you said to "The Gay Voice", you can't tell them (the church) that they didn't listen to God 100%, um, God doesn't speak. . .again if he is real, you are making excuses for him. . .The church bases their beliefs on the bible (or in my opinion the portions they chose to base their individual religions on) Pagan predates religion, why is it that not many believe in Paganism? Because the religion machine crushed them as Satanic and Evil to almost extinction, similar to the way Nazis crushed the Jewish Religion in Europe. I mean, the only examples of religion I can think of in my life and history were all examples of how it was used for evil, and none of it had any factual basis. You know there are 1,000s of religions in the world Conq, the fact that there are so many different belief systems is proof enough to me that it's all made up. Each individual culture created their own systems to control people, and to different extents. Sorry, that's just the way it is.
Phil Alexander - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Dave - you're using logic to argue against religion: trust me, it doesn't work.
Below Average Dave - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Yeah, I know, I just was a bit disappointed to read that from Conqueror of all people. . .but as long as he and I can agree to disagree and not let it affect our respect as parodists, and I kinda agree with Red Ant about wanting a Fridge Penguin to. . .I mean, that would be cool to have a little Penguin in my Fridge:) I was hesitant about getting involved at all in this because well people get so riled up about religion, I'm not unhappy, I am much happier without believing that some one is watching every little thing I do and if I make a mistake, I may spend eternity burning in a fire with a giant red dude and a pitchfork. I am much less insane without those type of thoughts--as I'm sure you are to Phil, but yeah, baring any direct response to me from Conq about this, I will assume that the conversation between him and I has commenced on this issue.
Fridge Penguin - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Doo Be Doo Be Doooo
stuart mcarthur - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
wow, Fridge Penguin, you never even SPOKE to me when I was a kid, and now you're covering Frank Sinatra!! - gee I wish I still believed in you dude (sniff)

and Dave, you're right - bad people will always do bad things, and good people will always do good things, but it takes organised religion to make good people do bad things

Red Ant: you reckon I didn't love that little guy? He was brilliant. Not only would he have gotten beers for me, but I once put a fish in the fridge, and later that day there were 2 fishes there!!

I never saw him of course, but in my imagination he looked so handsome in his black and white feathers that I even started to believe that all my pets were cast in His image - (sigh)

It was a huge sadness and effort for me to go against what my parents told me, especially as I loved their explanation and didn't have to bother thinking for myself (they're having done all the invention for me) - luckily the sheer ridiculousness of the cute little feller helped to ease the process

btw, for a while I've had an idea for an amiright "Fridge Penguin" musical, where anyone interested contributes parodies of Xmas carols or hymns, replacing references to God with references to The Arctic Angel instead - anyone interested?
John Lennon - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
The Beatles are more popular than the Fridge Penguin.
stuart mcarthur - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment
That's blasphemous, John! I urge everyone to go home and freeze all their Beatles albums!

(btw how did you do that, John?)
Phil Alexander - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment
I'm definitely game for a Fridge Penguin musical.. I believe he's in there, you know: why else does all the beer go so quickly? Answer me that one?
stuart mcarthur - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment
you don't need that sort of logic if you truly believe, Phil
(indeed logic is a hindrance)

I've given it some more thought, and I think the songs from Godspell and Jesus Christ Superstar would be even more perfect for "Fridge Penguin - The Musical"
I'm claiming the title track to Jesus Christ Superstar as my first offering, to be parodied as "Fridge Penguin - Superstar!"
I'll get a thread started (even if it's just you and me, Phil ;-))
McKludge - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Sounds like fun, Stu. I'll help if I can, although it's been a long time since I've heard JCS.
By the way, the Fridge Penguin was channelling this, I believe.
Agrimorfee - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment
"Preeeee-paaaare ye, pen-guin of the fridge..."
stuart mcarthur - October 17, 2007 - Report this comment
McKludge: great to have you aboard - now I'll have to get my arse into gear - and thanks for the link - now I understand the "Doo Be Doo Be Doooo" post
Below Average Dave - October 19, 2007 - Report this comment
I'm afraid I'll have to do my part in this. . .I'll do my best not to make the Fridge Penguin sound like a terrorist:)
Cheezmeister - October 29, 2007 - Report this comment
Ah, the problem of evil, Should have expected it to generate tons of comments (good song topic choice!). Check out and you'll be better equipped to argue here. (Sorry if somebody's already said that; You'll understand why I dont' feel like reading all the comments!)
Phil Alexander - October 30, 2007 - Report this comment
Not necessarily "evil", Cheezmeister - a lot of seriously bad & unlucky stuff happens to children without any intentional nastiness. All I can say is that if there is a plan, it's a freakin' ineffable one...
Stu - so where's the Fridge Penguin thread, then?
stuart mcarthur - October 30, 2007 - Report this comment
The Fridge Penguin is coming, (er "second coming") Phil - He takes very short little steps remember, so give Him a break, fer FridgePenguin's sake ;-)

actually I'm just finishing off "Fridge Penguin! Superstar!" which I'll use as a bit of a background story for other Fridge Penguin parody tangents to run off - so I'll post that parody first, then post the thread - and I'm tipping the fundamentalist ones guy is sharpening his ones-typing-digit as I type *shocked smiley*
Debbie Willard - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
You need to fall on your knees and ask JESUS FOR FORGIVNESS! You are a child of God that is not yet in His sheep fold. Find a One God Apostolic Church attend regularly and get a hold of God . Repent!!!!! Be Baptized!!!!!! and Filled with the Holy Ghost!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stuart McArthur - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Debbie, I can both fall on my knees alright (done it many times) but how can I "get a hold of God" when His little shiny wings are so frickin slippery?
And that's assuming I can get the fridge door open before He's back in His little cubby in the first place - which to my knowledge has never been done (it even says so in Chapter 6, Line 27, of in the Kelvinator installation manual)

No offense but I think you're being a little unrealistic
Stuart McArthur - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
whoa, how did those two extra words suddenly appear in my comment?
That's spookkkkky......
whoa again!
Phil Alexander - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Debbie - please, just grow up... filling a message with exclamation marks doesn't make it any more convincing. If you really think *I* should ask Jesus for forgiveness, why not address what the song says: how come he seems perfectly content to let millions upon millions of children suffer? Open your eyes, see the world as it is, not how you'd like it to be.

Stu.. which two extra words would those be?
Stuart McArthur - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
"both" and "in" - which coincidentally were the exact two words Paris Hilton used when she was dating the Afleck brothers......and SHE wasn't in His sheep fold either! What is Satan trying to tell me?
tiffany - December 23, 2010 - Report this comment
Quick question? Phil. This website has been up for as far as I can tell since 2004. What have you done to help suffering in a child's life? It is one thing to complain but we sit back and do nothing but pass blame you are only part of the problem. Whether or not you believe in God is not the answer. As a human we should have compassion to help people where ever we can!
Phil Alexander - December 25, 2010 - Report this comment
Tiffany, I fail to see the relevance of my behaviour: seems more like an attempt at distraction because you know as well as I do that the original words to this song are little more than propaganda.

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