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Song Parodies -> "The Midnight Run for Awful Beer"

Original Song Title:

"Paul Revere's Ride"

Original Performer:

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Parody Song Title:

"The Midnight Run for Awful Beer"

Parody Written by:

Ethan Mawyer

The Lyrics

I wrote this a while back for a contest that has no restrictiions about where else entries may be submitted, slo I'm submitting it here now.
If once a mission had known no fear
'Twas the midnight run for awful beer
On one Thursday night in Two Thousand and Four
Mark and his friends were really bored
What could be done? The solution was clear

He said to his friends "If we get some booze
This bland party will not be as beat
But we must hurry, there's no time to lose
We must get to the beer store that's down the street
Call lots of girls, if beer's here they'll come
Maybe not many but hopefully some
You can't deny that this will be great
Why did we not think of this until late?
We'll make sure next week we will not hesitate"

Then he left the house, and then he did run
Although Mark's age was twenty-one
He got kicked out off the store quickly
Since he forgot his photo ID
A bummer, it really hurt a ton
It seemed he missed his chance to have fun
At home the clock it read twelve oh one
He lived in a state that has laws that bite –
You can't sell beer there after midnight

They went in a car to start a quest
To find a drink that they could imbibe
To instantly improve a party's vibe
And make the ugliest girls appear cute
The quality could be far from best
It was be just fine if it was described
As tasting like the sole of a boot

They drove for an hour and crossed the state line
And there were no bears – It was New York
But there was a man holding a spork
Who wanted sixteen grand for a tine
They went away fast as the car would go
As they were cruising, flakes of snow
Kept on falling faster, so to steer
Was as hard as kissing your own rear
They knew that they might not stay alive
If they chose to continue to drive
But they decided to get the beer

Ahead, in the distance, was a store
Could it be a vendor of cases
Of beer? A rural oasis?
Alas, it was just a Benjamin Moore
They were almost desperate enough
To drink paint and that kind of stuff
And almost means the same as not quite
So they went off driving in the night
It was late so the driver would yawn and then snore
You know that sleeping drivers are poor
Performers since without seeing, it's tough
They were fortunate that they did not go
Anywhere except a large field filled with snow
They used a shovel in the trunk
To get back on the road to being drunk

Since Kyle was alert thanks to caffeine
Found in a drink made from coffee beans
While his companions snored he drove the car
So fast that he had not seen
The store selling what people drink in bars
He kept on driving, passing towns
One had a circus, which had some clowns
Which was something Kyle did not know
Since the car's movement was quit far from slow
The police would have tried to give chase
But they knew that they would have lost that race
Since Mark's car used to be raced around tracks
And often it was leading the pack
Because of that fact there was simply no need
For fear of police pursuit from the back
No cop car could come close to its speed

The clock in the car read twenty past two
The caffeine in Kyle was wearing off fast
And he looked straight ahead and realized the gas
Was about as low as a spelunker's shoe
So he went somewhere where gasoline was sold
The cash meant for payment his right hand did hold
And then on the asphalt he was out cold
To stay up that long was not smart to do
The station attendant thought he was a bum
But sleeping with money? Kyle seemed dumb
The attendant yelled for Kyle to budge
Since customers might not come by and pay
If some guy was sleeping and in their way
Which certainly is less sweet than hot fudge

And that yell made it to the ears
Of each youth nearby who was lost in dreams
They were soon awake and thinking of beer
They hoped they would find some that was cold
But even warm beer that was quite old
Would have been a big win for the team

They all stumbled into the store
That accompanied the gas station
They surely would have bought much more
But they had just one ID card
Therefore all but one had to leave the place
While Mark, the oldest, bought the case
Now driving back would be very hard
If Mark's house was their destination

That would not have been good at all
So they decided on a chance of plans
They drove off to the house of Paul
Since Paul's family was still in Cancun
And they could get there extremely soon
Unlike Vietnam or France
When they got there it was twenty past three
Which is a bit late for fun to start
They almost played music loudly
But waking neighbors isn't smart

Forget music. All that those four could think
About was how much they wanted to drink
At the station they acted with haste
And didn't check what was in the case
Jason read the label with fright
The brand they had purchased was Natty Light
But they were so desperate that they enjoyed
Its taste so they got completely destroyed

Mark threw up all over the rug
Daniel swung a wine bottle and hit the head
Of Jason so the carpet was stained red
And Kyle destroyed a fine china mug
Upon his return home, each was disciplined
And made to feel like he had horribly sinned
Each mom thought it would help her son to learn
But all of that is not, of concern
What is truly important is simply the thought
That to get what you want you must persevere
Those four kids worked hard for what they sought
And were rewarded with awful beer

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 4.9

Total Votes: 17

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   17

User Comments

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Johnny D - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
This resident of Concord, Massachusetts -- Paul Revere's destination (which he didn't reach because British Regulars arrested him & confiscated his horse) -- is impressed by this awesome opus, Ethan. I especially liked the "spork" and the "Benjamin Moore" sections. Very, very well done -- 5's across the board from me.
Rick C - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
This Massachusetts resident also appreciates the work done here. Great job, Ethan...555
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
I take it that this is based on this ( and that it's a famous American Poem? Yeah, that means you made me read them both!
Red Ant - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
I reward this with a 555.
John Jenkins - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
On one of my mile stone birthdays, a former college roommate of mine (who is now a judge) did a similar parody of Longfellow's poem, implying that I enjoyed beer in college (which, of course, is pretty far fetched). Anyway, this brought back fond memories, and I liked your "as hard as kissing your own rear" analogy.
Michael Pacholek - July 02, 2005 - Report this comment
Does ths mean that Know1 has read the other famous American poem, "Casey at the Bat"? Anyway, "The regulars are out!" (Which is what Revere really said -- "regulars" being soldiers -- rather than "The British are coming!", since he was still a British citizen yelling to other British citizens.) And the regulars are giving this fives, regardless of whether by land or by sea.
Dumb Ass Kid - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment
[SOTM] Proof that some of the better parodies are not always 'bohemian rhapsody' and 'smells like teen spirit' rip-offs. Despite the length, the remarkable content kept me gripped from start to finish. Excellent 555
Leo Jay - July 07, 2005 - Report this comment
[SOTM] Very creative. Well done.
Red Ant - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Mucho credit here Ethan, and I can relate to this in many ways.
Arwen - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--well, you're an ambitious bastard, that's for sure...=) This clearly took a lot of work!
Dee Range - July 10, 2005 - Report this comment
My college town was dry, and a 30 mile minimum trip for booze. This took me back in time. Well done. SOTM
Agrimorfee - July 11, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM)Agreed with Johnny & Arwen's comments to the max.
Jeff Reuben - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Always love a good beer poem, especially a long one. Well done.
Mike (Mike Armstrong) - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) You know the way to my heart Ethan, anything about beer
Dr. Bob - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment
i dont know if i want to give up beer based on some flashbacks, or go grab a 6-pack. well done. did you write this sober or use some state-dependent learning? :)
Charlie Decker - July 24, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Well done, Ethan!
Rick C - July 25, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Still a great job!
Stuart McArthur - July 26, 2005 - Report this comment
(sotm) wow - so much detail! - it goes well over my head, this story, but what an effort! - July 27, 2005 - Report this comment
This is freaking amazing. The content speaks for itself - you gotta love lines like the final four, for example - and echoing the original's constant time-checking is a fun way to keep the story moving.

But what is most impressive is the rhyme scheme. Longfellow's original is whacked out because it consists of thirteen stanzas, no two of which have the same rhyme scheme. Guess what? This parody matches the rhyme schemes of all thirteen. Example: The 12th stanza is four couplets: AABBCCDD. No big deal, right? But look at the 6th stanza: ABBACCDDAACDDEE. (Yes, really.) Perfect match.

Echoing ONE stanza that loopy is an effort in itself, but this parody does it with all thirteen. It's a huge jigsaw puzzle with all the pieces fitting just right. I'm floored.
Johnny D - July 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above!
Tim Mayfield - July 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Good thing they had so much trouble or this wouldn't have worked out. 5's!
Phil Alexander - July 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Like, er, wow... DKTOP, but as it's a poem, I don't really need to. Thanks Peter for the pointer to the original, and to Spaff for his pointers to the original rhyming scheme - it does make this all the more impressive.
2nz - July 30, 2005 - Report this comment
Quite an amazing job on rhyme scheme Ethan. And great continuation of narrative. That must have taken a long, long while.
Kristof Robertson - July 31, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Which ever way you look at this, it's an epic! Bravo....555
Mikey Squirrel - July 31, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM.. Wow, Ethan. That's a whole lotta lines about one bad beer run! Very well done. 555
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Alcoholic rap? Nope, but holy crap! Amazing effort here, Ethan.

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