How can I tell if my son is gay?
I wrestle with this problem night and day.
It torments me, won’t go away.
How can I tell if my son is gay?

This is how you tell if your son is gay
Does he chase boys at school each day
Wears mascara on his eyes.
And at sad movies sobs and cries.

Another way to tell if your son is gay
He’d rather wear pink than blue or gray.
Stick a Playboy under his bed
Then check it to see if it’s been read.

And you can often tell if your son is gay
If he wears his sister’s negligee
Sulks all day if he breaks a nail
and wants to be called Abigail.

A cunning way to tell if your son is gay
Just check out the next school play
In the Wizard of Oz, if he gets the part -
of Dorothy, well that’s a good start.

Toto, we're home. Home! Oh, there's no place like home!

And you can always tell if your son is gay
The earring gives it all away
If it’s in the left then there’s no doubt,
When they’re short-handed, he’ll help out

But, how can I tell if my son is gay?
I wrestle with the problem night and day.
It torments me, won’t go away.
How can I tell if my son is gay?

The best way to tell if your son is gay
Experts claim it’s the only way
If he seems to be an average guy
Looks the world straight in the eye
Fit as a US Marine
Acts real tough and looks real mean
All-American through and through
Rest assured, he’s gay like you.