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Song Parodies -> "I'm Following a Toddler in a Cart at Dollar General"

Original Song Title:

"I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"I'm Following a Toddler in a Cart at Dollar General"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl

The Lyrics

I’m following a toddler in a cart at Dollar General
She’s definitely animal, not veg’table or mineral
I stand beside the bleach, imploring heaven for a miracle
There is no peace, her screams increase, she’s growing quite hysterical.

I stand in mute amazement at how rapidly her focus spins
I wonder if it might be rude to recommend some Ritalin
Of course it would, so I continue working through my shopping list
While wond’ring if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exorcist”

[All:
We wonder if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exorcist”
We wonder if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exorcist”
We wonder if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exor-, Exorcist”]

I’ve learned across the years that I must keep my cool when I am stressed
I know the legal consequence of snapping under great duress.
In short, I could be labeled psycho, deviant, or criminal
From prolonged histrionics in the aisle of Dollar General.*

[All:
In short, she could be labeled psycho, deviant, or criminal
From prolonged histrionics in the aisle of Dollar General.]

The cart moves slowly through the store, she grasps at goodies she has seen
Like Teddy Grahams and Lucky Charms, Rice Krispy Treats and jelly beans
Red rubber balls, assorted crayons, picture books and makeup gels,
Then Princess stickers, Beanie Babies, Sparkle-Brites and Tinkerbells

Her mother purrs, “Don’t do that, Sweetie”, puts it all back on the shelf
I’m thinking that if it were me, I’d stick the kid up there myself
So now she’s kicking wildly, flailing little fists at Mommy’s arms
And I can feel the Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming on

[All:
She feels the very Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming on
She feels the very Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming on
She feels the very Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming, coming on]

I tell you that undoubtedly the times have changed since I was born.
Back then, such antics would have been deserving of parental scorn.
Then I could count on Father saying, firmly, “Better cut it out
“before I take you home and give you something real to cry about!”

[All:
Then she could count on Father saying, firmly, “Better cut it out
Before I take you home and give you something real to cry about!”]

I wonder how long it would take a bill to reach maturity
Mandating little brats be kept in relative obscurity
Until eighteen or twenty, when their manners are acceptable
(And when to colds and virus they’re no longer as susceptible)

There may yet be a place on Earth devoid of principalities
In which such futile notions could indeed become realities
When I’m enthroned and newly crowned as gracious ruler of the land,
By my decree, I’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever banned!

[All:
By her decree, she’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever banned
By her decree, she’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever banned
By her decree, she’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever, ever banned!]

I’ve studied education theories steeped in child psychology
I’ve seen some children that, to me, are myst’ries of biology
But still there is no therapy, external or subliminal,
To help me cope with screaming toddlers in the Dollar General!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 21

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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 2   0
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 3   0
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 5   21
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User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Phil Alexander - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Super stuff - never ceases to amaze how many different ideas come from this OS (I should know.. I've done it enough times myself).
Old Man Ribber - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Gilbert abd Sullivan never had it so good! Bravo!! ;)
Old Man Ribber - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
abd? This was so good I'm typing like the very model of a screaming shopping toddler. ;D
Timmy1000 - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Well written and hilarious - it was a different world years ago - what used to be discipline is now abuse.
Andria - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Between the subject of this parody and Timmy1000's comment, those both show why I should never have children and am thus not going to (in addition to the problem of world overpopulation and the fact that I belong to the organization Zero Population Growth). I would probably end up being jailed for anything from child abuse to murder. 5s for you, and great job on a very difficult OS.
AFW - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Exceeds excellent..so much subtle humor and so many great lines....It's a scripted seminar on just how to do the "MG"
blackjack21 - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
NOW I know why you didn't post a parody for awhile! You were writing the Mother of Parodies Supreme these last days. Great job! 555 [All: 555!]
Fiddlegirl - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks to Phil, OMR, Timmy, Andria, AFW, and BJ21. It's a joke to my family and friends that I seem to be somewhat of a "screaming toddler" magnet anywhere I go! I think I still have my sanity, though-- just.
Mark Scotti - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Great "little" slice of life there!! Fantastic rhymes! What an epic. Fives all the way...
Kristof Robertson - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
I've been absent for a while, but to come back to writing this magnificent is real treat...I'll certainly check out more of your stuff. AND I totally agree with your sentiment. Huge 5s
Guy - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Hey Fiddlegirl - why you dis that little girl?

This brings to mind a bratty kid in a store that I once encountered. I was in an HEB grocery store a while ago and there was a really bratty kid with a family group that looked like older siblings, a grandma and the mom all together. The kid was bouncing off the walls and the mom told him in Spanish to settle down. He gives her one mean look and calls her "Puta". I took one look at that kid and said "Tu come con este boca"? (You eat with that mouth)? It never registered on the mother what I had said because they are so not used to Anglo folks being able to speak "south of the border". The kid heard it loud and clear. Well, that's South Texas for ya.

This is one great MG parody. I have one to my name and it took the longest time to write it. I needed it for membership into the Amiright "Big 7". It is one of the songs required for membership into this group. Chucky even has a military style ribbon avatar he will post on the message board under your name if you are a member and ask for it.

Anyway I commend you on a fantastic MG write - one of the better ones I;ve seen out here. You go Fiddlegirl! Your names now in lights on Amiright!
Fiddlegirl - July 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks, Mark! Kristof, honored to meet you on here and looking forward to more of your parodies. Guy: Always happy to meet another Texan! I know I'll enjoy your parodies, too, as well as your stories!! :)
alvin - July 24, 2009 - Report this comment
too many good lines to mention...my fave of the day
Andy Primus - July 27, 2009 - Report this comment
Excellent job done on this - I did a version of this song a couple of months ago about a schoolteacher so I know how much time & effort you put into it. PS (just in case you're not aware of it) You've now got your own page in the authors index. You can check for any new comments on older parodies by using the latest comments section.
Dollar: Major General Slide In Value - August 18, 2009 - Report this comment
.... thanks to them printing trillions more. ... Who said their manners become acceptable at 18 or 20? ... As you now know, variation of chori (All right, already! Choruses! .. there, ya happy now?) is encouraged, even if OS doesn't, but for anyone's ninth post here, worthy of a Five-star General ... and you have my vote as ruler of the land.
Chori Spelling @ TT - August 25, 2009 - Report this comment
Or Chori Amos (Ami?)...

We are amused, and offer you a position in our new empire. Likely several positions, as there are many jobs to be done.
Kama Sutra - August 25, 2009 - Report this comment
I'm very eager to learn all of my new positions!

"He whose work is a labor of love is blessed by the Gods" -- some ancient Greek whom I don't immediately recall.

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