I’m following a toddler in a cart at Dollar General
She’s definitely animal, not veg’table or mineral
I stand beside the bleach, imploring heaven for a miracle
There is no peace, her screams increase, she’s growing quite hysterical.

I stand in mute amazement at how rapidly her focus spins
I wonder if it might be rude to recommend some Ritalin
Of course it would, so I continue working through my shopping list
While wond’ring if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exorcist”

[All:
We wonder if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exorcist”
We wonder if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exorcist”
We wonder if her head will spin like Regan’s in “The Exor-, Exorcist”]

I’ve learned across the years that I must keep my cool when I am stressed
I know the legal consequence of snapping under great duress.
In short, I could be labeled psycho, deviant, or criminal
From prolonged histrionics in the aisle of Dollar General.*

[All:
In short, she could be labeled psycho, deviant, or criminal
From prolonged histrionics in the aisle of Dollar General.]

The cart moves slowly through the store, she grasps at goodies she has seen
Like Teddy Grahams and Lucky Charms, Rice Krispy Treats and jelly beans
Red rubber balls, assorted crayons, picture books and makeup gels,
Then Princess stickers, Beanie Babies, Sparkle-Brites and Tinkerbells

Her mother purrs, “Don’t do that, Sweetie”, puts it all back on the shelf
I’m thinking that if it were me, I’d stick the kid up there myself
So now she’s kicking wildly, flailing little fists at Mommy’s arms
And I can feel the Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming on

[All:
She feels the very Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming on
She feels the very Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming on
She feels the very Mother of Excedrin Headaches coming, coming on]

I tell you that undoubtedly the times have changed since I was born.
Back then, such antics would have been deserving of parental scorn.
Then I could count on Father saying, firmly, “Better cut it out
“before I take you home and give you something real to cry about!”

[All:
Then she could count on Father saying, firmly, “Better cut it out
Before I take you home and give you something real to cry about!”]

I wonder how long it would take a bill to reach maturity
Mandating little brats be kept in relative obscurity
Until eighteen or twenty, when their manners are acceptable
(And when to colds and virus they’re no longer as susceptible)

There may yet be a place on Earth devoid of principalities
In which such futile notions could indeed become realities
When I’m enthroned and newly crowned as gracious ruler of the land,
By my decree, I’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever banned!

[All:
By her decree, she’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever banned
By her decree, she’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever banned
By her decree, she’ll see these foolish tantrums are forever, ever banned!]

I’ve studied education theories steeped in child psychology
I’ve seen some children that, to me, are myst’ries of biology
But still there is no therapy, external or subliminal,
To help me cope with screaming toddlers in the Dollar General!