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Song Parodies -> "I Am The Perfect Pitchman To Vend Vitameatavegamin"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"I Am The Perfect Pitchman To Vend Vitameatavegamin"

Parody Written by:

Stan Hall

The Lyrics

Hi folks ... seasonal preoccupations've kept me away awhile from AmIRight (and that just ain't right!) and catching up at work may do the same yet awhile. Meanwhile, tho' heres' a quickie irrelevantly turned out today during a marathon DVD-in of noir classics that filled my stocking. :-)

When Lucy’s stint as a commercial actress didn’t work out (see the full 10-minute evidentiary video here ) her replacement-wannabe offered (and an exasperated stage crew cheered) his credentials thusly:
[instrumental intro]

I.
(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
I am the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin![1]
It’s always been the anchor of my dietary regimen
for, like the tonic sold by Donizetti’s operatical
flimflammer, Dulcamara[2], its effect’s panaceatical.
With vitamins and minerals (like One-A-Day®, “From A to zinc”)
plus fish and poultry and red meats (in doneness shades from gray to pink),
and veggies, this elixer is a fixer that has all it takes
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.

(STAGE CREW)
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.

(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
That redhead chick’s a poorer pick than I to sell this pick-me-up --
she merely fancies TV fame; I drink it by the Dixie Cup®.
In short, as a believer in its benefits alleged (Amen!)
I am the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegemin

(STAGE CREW)
In short, as a believer in its benefits alleged (Amen!)
he is the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegemin

II.
(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
Tho’ sniffed it’s less evocative of oenophilic rhapsodies
than of the exhalations of some wino who on schnapps ODs
and tastes by spoonfuls offal-awful, if a taker swigs a dose
he’ll note its nastiness abates as he downs five or six of those.
And tho’ a quarter alcohol, it’s hardly a mere boozer’s swill:
that ethanol effects an antimicrobe action users will
find disinfects their plumbing (in a sense that’s metaphorical) --
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”

(STAGE CREW)
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”


(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
[3] As sack-time somnifacient or as A. M. analeptic it’s
unmatched. It should a staple be in doctors’ antiseptic kits.
In short, re: its effectiveness I haven’t cause to hedge or spin,
so I’m the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin.

(STAGE CREW)
In short, re: its effectiveness he hasn’t cause to hedge or spin,
so he’s the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin.

III
(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
In fact, when I perfect the product plug in just a try or two,
sidestep the sipping spieler’s slide from tipsiness to high or stewed,
enumerate its uses e’re intoxication addles me
and ballyhoo its benefits before I’m buzzed, how glad I’ll be!
When I can name this nostrum’s boons (a myriad variety)
and catalog all ills it cures ahead of insobriety--
in short, when promo pattering’s performed while words shtill flow unshlurred
you’ll shay a better booshter for your braysher you bet no one’sh heard.

(STAGE CREW)
you’ll say a better booster for your bracer you bet no one’s heard.
you’ll say a better booster for your bracer you bet no one’s heard.
you’ll say a better booster for your bracer you bet no one’s heard.

(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
Ish sho that ash I ship to shell I shlip t’ward incapashity
and quaffing thish catholicon with ever more vorashity.
but even when ish pushed me pasht inebriation'shedge again,
I am the perfect pishman to push Vitameatavegamin.

(STAGE CREW)
Yes, even when it’s pushed him past inebriation’s edge again,
he is the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin.

[instrumental outro]
[1] However counterintuitively in its orthographic context, a _soft_ “g” opens “Vitameatavegamin’s” penultimate syllable, begging rhymes with “je-” or “ja-min” rather than “gah-min.”
[2] “Dr. Dulcamara” in Gaetano Donizetti’s delightfully comic opera, “L’elisir d’amore,” is a Barnum-hearted peregrinaceous peddler of plonk he professes can put paid to all a person’s problems.
[3] To preserve this line’s metrical fit, either diphthongize to “shi” the “cie” in “somnifacient” or excise the “as” preceding “A. M.” (But don’t do both.)

© Stan Hall 01/01/2009

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Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 8

Voting Breakdown

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User Comments

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AFW - January 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Most creative and intellectual...Top shelf addition to the MMG list
alvin - January 03, 2009 - Report this comment
lol...nice one...one of my fave lucy episodes and you did a great job with the drunken spelling at the end
Andria - January 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Great job, Stan, you really know how to write parodies of this (extremely difficult to rewrite) OS. However, if Vitameatavegamine really existed, I don't know whether you would be as good a pitchman as Ron Popeil, Billy Mays or Chef Tony, having only known you from your parodies and comments. 5s.
TJC - January 04, 2009 - Report this comment
Fan-yeahs-magorical! Incredible professorial-level (fooly tenured, natch) parody prowess on display here... is this 'perfect form' a love child of the briefly melding split personalities of Tom Leherer, Tommy Turtle, John Barry, Kristof and Allen Sherman calling themselves 'Stan Hall'? (and would that qualify as a pseudopseudopseudopseudonym?) Great stuff!
Phil Alexander - January 05, 2009 - Report this comment
:-) Brilliant. Now where can I get me some vitameatavegamine?
John Barry - January 05, 2009 - Report this comment
Iamb mighty impressed!
2Eagle - January 05, 2009 - Report this comment
That name fits the pacing of the OS well. Has anybody tried "supercalafragilisticexpialidocious" or "antidestablishmentarianism"?

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