When a constable is not directing traffic ('recting traffic)
When a detective is not detecting crime ('tecting crime)
And stumbles on some filming, pornographic (pornographic)
You know he's gonna have a damn good time (damn good time)
So that PC isn't apprehending felons (getting felons)
He's doing something that's a bit more fun (much more fun)
The cameras roll: he's juggling with melons (juggling melons)
A policeman on the job's a happy one
Aaaaaah
When there's cunning lingual duty to be done, to be done
A policeman on the job's a happy one

If the said PC is offered up some succour (up some succour)
Of course, he's going to jump at the chance (at the chance)
Because Mr Plod is quite a randy f...ellow (randy fellow)
Who ought to keep it zipped inside his pants (in his pants)
And so they film him, swelling with.. elation (with elation)
As she starts a-nibbling on his cheese (on his cheese)
But put aside all thoughts of flagellation (flagellation)
'Cause you can't beat a fellatrix on her knees
Aaaaah
When there's an oral tradition to pass on, to pass on
A policeman on the job's a happy one

When the video is seen by his superiors (his superiors)
He knows he should have been more circumspect (circumspect)
He may get his marching orders, and they're serious (and they're serious)
As this PC ain't politic'ly correct ('ly correct)
His job is looking shaky, don't he know it? (Don't he know it)
But he ain't so sad as he may appear (may appear)
For he's thinking of just telling them to "Blow it!" (Tell 'em Blow It!)
And having an alternative career...
Aaaaah
When a new career opening has come, it has come
A policeman on the job's a happy one