[Ex-Doctor]
I am the very model of a woo-factor nutritionist
An egotistic, narcissistic TV exhibitionist
I state my facts with such an act that many find bamboozling
But must admit the science bit I find rather confusle-ing

I run a re-search company called [Surname] Research Limited
That's great and yet I always get to sound as though I'm dimwitted
Whenever I attempt to try to tell the world of DNA
But, hell! who needs GCSE exams in science anyway?

[Tutti]
Because who needs GCSE exams in science anyway?
T'would help to see GCSE exams in science anyway
Would help if she had CSE exams in science anyway

[Ex-Doctor]
I'm sad to say the ASA caught up with my mendacity
My PhD they said could be called lacking in veracity
Honestly, I would never try to say I'm a physicianist
I am the very model of a woo-factor nutritionist

[Tutti]
Honestly, she would never be a re-al-live physicianist
She is instead the model of a woo-factor nutritionist



[Ex-Doctor]
The PhD on my CV gave out the wrong locati-on
If you read quick, the Americ-an College of Nutriti-on
Does sound akin to where I've bin (or where I sent the money to)
Ain't it such fun to think they run a PhD in runny poo

I sold some pills to cure the ills of male inability
The horny goat that I'd promote as giving great virility
When I was told if they were sold it would be done unlawfully
I lied anew, said the EU had changed licensing awfully

[Tutti]
She lied anew, said the EU had changed licensing awfully
She lied to you, said the EU had changed licensing awfully
But it's not true, that goaty goo was never on sale lawfully

[Ex-Doctor]
I'm fixated by faeces which I stare at diagnostic'ly
Its squashy bits and paeces I comment upon quite causticly
It's crap no doubt I spout about a stool as I am forking it
If truth be known it ain't the on-ly way that I am talking shit

[Tutti]
It's crap no doubt she spouts about a stool as she is forking it
If truth be known it ain't the on-ly way that she is talking shit



[Ex-Doctor]
In fact, when I can write an article that quotes a reference
When I don't threaten lawsuits for a minor lack of deference
When I have done some research that's accepted scientific'ly
When I can answer questions both precisely and specific'ly
When I know how the body deals with DNA and chlorophyll
When following my recipes don't leave you feeling more off-ill
In short, when I've a smattering of infant school biology
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology

[Tutti]
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology

[Ex-Doctor]
My scientific honorific may now be thought too shady
I may be called by those appalled by me: "The Awful Poo Lady"
But still in matters faecal, and with never a commission missed,
I am the very model of a woo-factor nutritionist

[Tutti]
She's tops in matters faecal, and with never a commission missed,
She is instead the model of a woo-factor nutritionist