I am the very model of a modern med school occupant.
The information crammed into my head would choke an elephant
About the awful side-effects of illnesses and injuries
And how to diagnose the cause of ev'ry single cough and wheeze.

There's so much that I need to learn. The readings seem like such a chore.
My eyes are aching and my head feels like it's been slammed in a door.
There's nothing to be done for it, I may as well accept my fate:
I won't be getting out of here, my brain will soon disintegrate.

The time I have to learn all this is, really, awf'ly much too short,
So sleeping has become this thing I have been forced to just abort.
In short, in matters scientific, ethical, and purulent,
I am the very model of a modern med school occupant.

Our class today was all about the signs and symptoms of the flu
And how to slice and dice cadavers (yes, I know, we all said, "Eww.")
But do not fear, young pre-meds, it's not quite as bad as you might think.
Why, only one or two of us had urges to hurl in the sink!

The patients that we interview, they often love to talk a lot
Of things that have no bearing on the questions that we all have got.
It makes me want to tear my hair and wish I could move them along.
I have a test to study for and I can't get too many wrong.

I'm quite concerned with all the issues talked about in ethics class,
Like stem cells, cloning, right-to-die, and mari- (Wait! Let's call it "grass".)
We offer up opinions that, to us, sound really erudite.
But in the end, we're students, and so no one cares if we are right.

The tests we take are full of questions that don't seem to matter much.
Some subjects that we cover, once we're done with them, we'll never touch.
And why do we have to know all the names of drugs and what they are,
When all the information that we need is in the PDR?

The social life's not lively and I often think there isn't one.
I work and read and sometimes days go by before I see the sun.
But I hold in my heart the dream that caused me to start on this path:
To do good and to help those who might someday sue and vent their wrath!

I'm running out of things to say, this song stuff's really not my scene.
And my apartment's messy and I need to get to study-een.
But, oh, in matters scientific, ethical, and purulent
I am the very model of a modern med school occupant!