1
I am the very model of a Modern Vegetarian
I’ve traded in my haute cuisine for diet more agrarian
To demonstrate my fervent and unwavering obedience
I’m always reading labels and examining ingredients.

The preparations for a simple snack seem insurmountable
The hours chopping, soaking, grating, peeling are uncountable
No sooner have the breakfast dishes cleared than I’m preparing lunch
Regarding time for other things, I really haven’t got a bunch.

Regarding time for other things, he really hasn’t got a bunch.
Regarding time for other things, he really hasn’t got a bunch.
Regarding time for other things, he really hasn’t got a - got a bunch.

Inclined to be fanatic, I have chosen something suitable
Though what inspired this curious transformation is inscrutable
Perhaps it was alternatives that seemed to me barbarian
So I became the model of a Modern Vegetarian.

Perhaps it was alternatives that seemed to him barbarian
So he became the model of a Modern Vegetarian.


2
I started as an omnivore, oblivious and satisfied
Until I got to wondering how chickens end up southern-fried
And so began a quest to find the edibles that could replace
The sorts of things I now refused to eat because they had a face.

Tamari, tempeh, veggie burgers, tofu, wheat germ, beans and more
If ever I am needed, you will find me at the health food store
It’s true I find from time to time I might be missing meat a bit
But if the thing had parents, then you will not find me eating it.

But if the thing had parents, then you will not find him eating it.
But if the thing had parents, then you will not find him eating it.
But if the thing had parents, then you will not find him eating - eating it.

They say a plant-based diet is a blueprint for longevity
Although some centenarians carnivorous would disagree
And whether to be vegan or to add some eggs and dairy in
An existential question for our Modern Vegetarian!

And whether to be vegan or to add some eggs and dairy in
An existential question for our Modern Vegetarian!


3
Establishments that offer veggie fare make sure the menu suits
A clientele perceived to be enamored of meat substitutes
Quotation marks around a menu item mean it’s in disguise
As Peking “Duck” or Leg of “Lamb” or something people recognize.

And if you’ve never tried to cook a vegetarian request
I do not recommend that you invite me as a dinner guest
You’ll toil away to get it right, but surely I’ll find something wrong
So if I come for dinner, I had better bring my own along.

So if he comes for dinner, he had better bring his own along
So if he comes for dinner, he had better bring his own along
So if he comes for dinner, he had better bring his own a- own along

My duty is to celebrate the life that I am living up
And try to not perseverate on all that I am giving up
But if you want advice, I’d say it’s better to be wary and
Consider thinking twice before becoming vegetarian.

But if you want advice, he’d say it’s better to be wary and
Consider thinking twice before becoming vegetarian.