Some folk are vegetarians, and some people eat meat
But I've been told in pub-er-lic that meat cannot be beat
And so I've got a sausage which is spicy as can be
But everywhere I go, yes, all the people stare at me

With me bit o' pepperoni in me hand
Why they stare I do not understand
Some say that it's perverted, and some say that it's rash
But playing with me pepperoni saves me lots of cash
And I'm so confused by their hostility
For I can never work out where I stand
Some say it isn't mete
When they meet me with me meat
But I keep my pepperoni in me hand, oh, yes
With me bit o' pepperoni in me hand."

While crawling down the kerb last night as peaceful as can be
When some young girl said "would you like to come inside with me"
She didn't say her name but said she wanted me to stay
Unhappily, I didn't know she wanted me to pay
So with me bit o' pepperoni in my hand,
I followed right behind at her command
We went up to her lodgings in the seedy part of town
And on her grubby sofa she said "Come on let's sit down."
I felt so shy and bashful sitting there,
'Cause the things she said I didn't understand
But I said I wouldn't quibble
If she'd like to have a nibble
Of me bit o' pepperoni in me hand, yes sir,
Me bit o' pepperoni in me hand

But when I told her that I didn't carry any cash
She called the cops to say that my behaviour had been "flash"
I thought I'd got away, but then I got an awful fright,
The constable he caught me in the middle of the night.
And with me bit o' pepperoni in my hand,
Said my solicitor was Mr Brand
He opened up his briefcase and he said "Let's look at you
And put away that sausage, or they'll throw the book at you"
So there I was a-standing in the dock
For gratuitously showing off me... p-pepperoni
But.. the judge he had a wig on,
In his hand there was a big 'un
Yes, he had a pepperoni in his hand, oh yes!
He had a pepperoni in his hand.