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Song Parodies -> "If I Only Had A Girl"

Original Song Title:

"If I Only Had A Brain"

Original Performer:

From "Wizard Of Oz"

Parody Song Title:

"If I Only Had A Girl"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

I'm a humper every morning,
I strike without a warning,
When love blossoms unfurl
But it would passion me much more so
If my fantasy had torso,
If I only had a girl..

Wouldn't need to rape the mattress,
Clone poor old Cleopat-tress
I'd shag like Milton Berle..
Twice as hard as armadillos,
Stop french kissin' feather pillows,
If I only had a girl..

Perhaps a virgin sweet, or even some cheap whore
I could sink in things where I've not sunk before,
I'd have a drink and then I'd sink some more..

I'd feel a little moisture,
Start opening the oyster,
Go searching for a pearl..
Let him rest, my pet canary,
And maybe even dong-a-cherry
If I only had a girl..

< - - - - - - - - ->

I'd give up that old thawed chicken,
Kissing grapes and bedpost lickin'
Stuff I learned from Uncle Earl..
Skip marshmallows and jello
Be a less perverted fellow,
If I only had a girl..

I could watch goosepimples ripple
On somebody elses nipple
Stop voyeur-ing a squirrel..
Divorce that hunk'a liver,
Feel real molecules a'quiver,
If I only had a girl..

Might even take a bath, and use stuff not to snore
Stop disgusting things I used to do before
Maybe she'd think me not a bore

I'd retire my mink mitten,
Angelina and Brad-Pitt-in,
Unspring the broom wig's curl
Not hug that rubber girdle,
Be more like Tommy Turtle,
If I only...had a....girl.

If I only had a girl

(Thanks for the idea, Tommy)

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 4.9

Total Votes: 16

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   15

User Comments

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Fiddlegirl - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
One of the funniest yet! (But I always think that...)
John Barry - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
One of your best, AFW. I'm chortling as I type this comment.
TJC - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Really funny stuff... love yer creative, er, neolojisms!
Christie Marie M - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
This is so hilarious! I also love the way you added TT to the story. Both of you are AIR's renowned parodists alive! 555!
Timmy1000 - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Well done; I guess you need to go see the wizard.
LadyBooHoo - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
very good, Sir L'Air !
UnKnownVO - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
. . . now, down Thumper . . . MonSieurHumper . . . The Lord SatyrMayor !
alvin - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
lmao...the mattress / cleopatress line was worth the price of admission alone
Mark Scotti - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Yerrrrrrrr humpin' on the wizard... Really funny! Fav of the day!
Tommy Turtle - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
A Master-piece-of-ass-tuteness! (even without the nod, but thanks!) So many GLTM, I'd end up reprinting the entire song, but in addition to alvin's pick, gotta cite (I do a lot of citing) "more so/torso", Berle, "oyster/pearl", and just the imagery of the thawed chicken :D. What John Barry said. Ya done me proud! 555+++.

lol @ TJC's syllo-jism!
Wufpakgrl - July 31, 2009 - Report this comment
AFW - August 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks, Gang...really appreciate your v&c
Andy Primus - August 02, 2009 - Report this comment
I'll second JAB's comment - & the chicken cracked me up as well
Roving Ricky - May 19, 2011 - Report this comment
Yup, triple 5, pretty funny stuff....
AFW - May 24, 2011 - Report this comment
Thank you Roving Ricky..appreciate your v & c

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