Grandma got run over by a Hummer,
Walking home from Walgreens on Christmas Eve,
You can say there's not such things as hit and runs,
But as for me and the Wackenhut guys, we believe...

She'd been drinking too much cheap soda,
And the fizz had left her in much pain,
But she'd left her Tums at home,
So she stumbled out the sliding glass door into the rain...

When we found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack,
There were tire marks on her forehead,
And an insurance company card taped to her back...

Grandma got run over by a Hummer,
Walking home from Walgreens on Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as hit and runs,
But as for me and the Wackenhut guys, we believe...

Now we're all so proud of the Wackenhut Officers,
They said they'd do all that they could do,
Then we saw them at the back gate watching football,
Drinking beer and waving suspicious people through...

It's not the holidays without Grandma,
Even though the doctor said she'd be out of her coma soon,
We couldn't decide if we should open the gifts from her,
But I said we should just unwrap them in her room...

Grandma got run over by a Hummer,
Walking home from Walgreens on Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as hit and runs,
But as for me and the Wackenhut guys, we believe...

Now the Hambuger Helper is on the table,
And the fabric is clean on the leopard print chairs,
And the tan and yellow Hanukah candles,
Would have just matched the dye in the grandma's hair...

I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
Better watch out for yourselves and do it well,
They should never give a license,
To a Floridian who drives a truck on steroids while chatting on their cell...

Grandma got run over by a Hummer,
Walking home from Walgreens on Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as hit and runs,
But as for me and the Wackenhut guys, we believe!