Once upon a winter weary, set to scrape off whiskers, dreary
As I'd done with much futility, countless tedious times before,
Comes the inkling of a brainstorm, dripping ideas like a rainstorm,
So strong is this little brainstorm, falls the razor to the floor
"Tis a miracle," I utter, at the startled bathroom door.
"No more shavin'..nevermore!"
Quite precisely, I recall it, year two thousand in the fall, it
Still glows like a breeze fed ember on a beach bonfire'd shore
Anxiously envisioned beauty, absence of bored daily duty,
Proudly tweaks a sense of snooty, snooty as a high class whore
Pleasured thoughts of shave abstaining has me drooling on the floor
No one could have loved it more..
But the first short grubby stubble causes aggravation, double
Keeps me scratchin'..itchin'..bitchin'..more than shavin' did before
Brittle, nasty, and unsightly, says the wife, complaining nightly,
Ouches when we cuddle tightly, roughness makes her face red sore
For a whole week long complaining, forced to bear it more and more
So, I go sleep on the floor..
Comes much brighter days to follow, beard tips soften, tempers hollow
Says she loves it, curly, fuzzy, more growth peaks our sexual score..
We become high passion lovers, like Adam and Eve and others,
But outside, or 'neath the covers, to place beard, self questions soar
Thoughts lead to a lack of sleeping, such decisions, thinking o'er
Mental anquish, I endure
Finding higher peaked frustrations tweaked from snap miscalculations
Many painful situations, I am quite unprepared for..
Like an awful body draggin' from the wife's Ford staton wagon,
When, the beard so long and saggin'..she slams, tightly, in the door
Blessed, I am, she's only driving to a local groc'ry store
Scrape my knees, face got real sore
After whiles of rest and healing, normal life returns to reeling,
Go back to my job of teaching at a college, Baltimore
Perfect occupation, that is..my beard there, is added status,
Female students smilin' at us, wish I'd been unshaved before..
Fantasy thoughts bring on sleeping, long beard flutters with each snore
Don't wake up till after four..
When Dean Atkins shakes and finds us, and in certain terms reminds us
Little sleepies, countin' sheepies..is not what they pay us for
To make long tales short, I'm fired..trod hard pavement, stay unhired
Seems they seek faces, inspired, shaved like folks adore..
Not some gritty Walter Mitty knocking on their nice clean door
Reject crushes to the core..
Become a classic Mister Mommy, while the wife works, sells salami
Heavy housework, daily laundry, mind the children, all my chore
Bushy beard strands long and wavy, frequently dip into gravy
Perfect for a pirate's navy, If pegleg and eyepatch I wore
Hoist on up the Jolly Roger, I'll rehearse, "Aye Matey's" more
No more Shavin' 'less there's war..
Beard keeps causing weird restrictions, but wife loves my face convictions
Much like romance novel fictions, errotic links a common core
Increases motivation stronger, to leave it go on growing longer
She's a drum and I'm the gonger..one hairy sex life, fun galore
Giddy from big cash I'm saving..no toy needs at adult store
Ticklers grow from each face pore..
Rolling romps in sexual clover, are shortlived, ours, soon is over,
Stumble caused by pet dog Rover..sleeping on the kitchen floor,
On him, flipped like pancake turner, beard ignited from stove burner
Renders me a hard facts learner, of what term "Save Face" is for
Once released from this hospital, bad burn unit, second floor..
Me, stop shavin'?...."Nevermore"!!
Never! Never! Nevermore!