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Song Parodies -> "The Raving"

Original Song Title:

"The Raven"

Original Performer:

Edgar Allan Poe

Parody Song Title:

"The Raving"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

Didn't really know what to call this one... in theory it's four verses short, but I reckon that's long enough ;-)
Once upon a night-flight dreary, I sat buckled-in and weary
Watching safety demonstrations, pointing out the exit door
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
Something on my shoe, a-rapping - rapping till my toes were sore
'Tis some child's play, I muttered, just one more thing to ignore
Only this, and nothing more.

Ah, distinctly I remember wistful longing to dismember
Every little childish member, strewn and bloody cross the floor
Chance of rest became remoter, did I sleep? Not one iota
Should have flown in a Dakota, slept amidst the engine's roar
Instead trapped in an airliner, unable to nap or snore
Childish games that I abhor

For the brash, annoying child, left by parents to run wild
Left my peace and calm defiled, till I ached for blood and gore
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I sat repeating
'Tis some childish prank that's fleeting, passing that I can ignore
Just some childish prank so fleeting, passing that I can ignore
Only that, and nothing more,'

Presently the imp grew bolder; desecrating his cup-holder
Verily, I felt much older, older than I had before
How I so longed to be napping, but the kid's incessant yapping
And his smell, like he'd been crapping, crapping o'er the aisle floor
Everywhere he'd leave behind him, trails of faecal-scented spoor
More than this? Oh yes, there's more

Thinking that I may be molli- fied by something from the trolley
(Though it costs a lot of lolly, EasyJet snacks cost much more)
But my mealtime was broken by that child from Hoboken
How I thought he must be jokin', fingers dipped in my coleslaw
This I thought was beyond joking, dirty mitts in my coleslaw
Icky, yucky, dirty paw

I continued to eat, flustered, when the heartless little bustard
Dropped something into my custard, what it was I was not sure
Though the colour was like custard, I deduced that it was mustard
One taste and I was disgusted, nearly retching on the floor
I will get that little bustard, offspring of the Devil, more
Son of misbegotten whore

In my rage I started drinking, started plotting, scheming, thinking
How to get that little stinking creature and give him what for
Knew I'd get that little rotter, though my temper it was not a
Pleasant one, for I had got a feeling that this now meant war
Yes, the battle shortly would be joinèd... oh, yes this means war
Thought, and sat, and nothing more.

Wondered whether he'd recoil at his head being flushed down the toilet
Revenge is sweet - I mustn't spoil it, spoil it by not being sure
Thought that maybe t'would be better to continue my vendetta
If only I could find and get a double-barreled tu-welve bore
But they never seem to have them in a scheduled in-flight store
I was raving... nevermore

But the kid, he wouldn't let me sit and plan how I would get me
Own back on the little pest, he came and pestered me once more
For the little blighter had a water-pistol - I grew madder
Knew that I would get that lad a-s soon as I'd dried what I wore
But as I walked down the aisle, leaving puddles on the floor
Kept on raving... never more

Under my breath, I was muttering, others heard what I was uttering
Vengeful outbursts that were stuttering, pouring from my open maw
My demeanour more than manic left them running in a panic
As I raved in terms Germanic "scheiss" and more quotes from Nils Bohr
Ich werde der verdammter Kind werfen aus die Flugzeugstür
Ranting, raving "Nevermore."

Startled by my words so vile it turns out someone told the pilot
As we were a mile or two from Charles de Gaulle aéroport
Passengers were all demanding for an emergency landing
Such a great misunderstanding of my irate demeanour
I would NEVER be so violent, of that I can you assure
Violence? Me? Nevermore.

Soon thereafter and we landed: orders were not countermanded
In the airfield's corner stranded - stranded waiting, but what for?
On Parisian concrete waiting, in a manner enervating
Hardly, though, anticipating somebody had called the law
Radio'd for gendarmerie, somebody had called the law
And that sure stuck in my craw

Now I sit in solitary wishing that at least they'd hurry
Am I bored? Oh, yes sir, very - nowt to do here, such a bore
For it was the court's decision, once the judge had sat and risen,
For to send me off to prison, locked behind an iron door
Left me fatefully wondering, wondering what is in store
Shall I get out? Nevermore

So, dear reader, here's the deal, for this story's true and real:
I'm stuck here, pending appeal, I'm stuck here for ever more
They think I'm like all hijackers: murderous and wholly crackers
But they've got me by the knackers, in a grip I can't ignore
And if e'er I meet that child - I will break his bloody jaw
Wish that I'd done that before

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 27

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   27

User Comments

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AFW - May 23, 2005 - Report this comment
A masterful epic,,.Edgar Allan would be proud! brilliant work..
Rick C - May 23, 2005 - Report this comment
The Raving is a good title for it, Phil. I once took a flight from Denver to Boston with a 2 year old across the aisle from me screaming the whole way. By the time the plane landed, I was close to being stark, raving mad. Oh, 5s by the way.
Red Ant - May 23, 2005 - Report this comment
Votes to Phil A fives some more. :)
Phil Alexander - May 23, 2005 - Report this comment
Thank you all... Rick - there's no prizes for guessing what I was doing when I had this idea, but I would be maligning the kiddie in question: he was remarkably well-behaved, but it didn't stop me from thinking "what if..."
Jack DeRippa - May 23, 2005 - Report this comment
Imagine taking care of 555 kids ... that's be a nightmare.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - May 23, 2005 - Report this comment
Loved the feminine rhymes for pilot and toilet, great job. I really should finish off the one I started weeks ago...
Johnny D - May 24, 2005 - Report this comment
"by the knackers" ... lol 5's
Kristof Robertson - May 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Absolutely masterful, Phil....EAP would be proud. 555
Dumb Ass Kid - June 08, 2005 - Report this comment
Phil Alexander - June 08, 2005 - Report this comment
It's not really an OS - an OP, if you like. You can take a look at the original here (amongst many, many other places on the 'net):
Agrimorfee - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(sotm05) Highest praise just for inserting "gendarmerie" and dirty German words.
Tim Mayfield - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) "If the kid is active, you must be proactive" lesson in life #555.
Charlie Decker - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) A marathon of a literary masterpeice. Great job!
Rick C - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM05) Commented and voted above.
Red Ant - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Already voted and commented. This is epic Phil. Awesome rhyming ( please tell me you didn't know all of those of the top of your head ) and story telling. In theory 4 verses short? I wouldn't have the patience to write 4 verses in TOTAL about annoying kids. I need to print this out so that when I have kids I can read them this when they are bad. =)
Phil Alexander - June 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Red Ant - 'fraid so: what I tend to do for rhymes, especially in cases like this where I'm going to need a few, is go through the alphabet checking for words that (nearly) rhyme... so at the bottom of the text file with the song in it, you'll often find "abhor adore bore caw core claw chore..." etc - I usually get everything rhymezone'll come up with (and often more, or slightly different anyway: it's interesting how US rhyming patterns run), but every so often I do hit rhymezone if the brain is flagging. Anyway, I've not read this to my children, but I have to my parents :-) It works fairly well as performance poetry, but it'll be a bugger to learn.
Anyway, thanks... and to everyone else for their kind words
Red Ant to Phil Alexander - June 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Okay, now I dare ask a question I am really scared of the answer: How long did this take to make? You don't have to answer this of course but I am curious how long this parody took to make.
Phil Alexander - June 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Tricky one to answer for this one: I wrote this in two twenty/thirty minute sessions or thereabouts, but I had a page or so of ideas/jottings of things to put in, which had been compiled over two weeks, approx. And I did spend quite a lot of time composing on the flight in question.. so it's had about an hour of writing, but a lot of thought over a fortnight. Is that good or bad?
Red Ant - June 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Well, it's great for the the both of us. I would have been ill if you had said something like "Not much" or "About 3 hours, starting idea to finished parody in one sitting".
Scathe - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Niiiiiice.
Adagio - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM05) Well! My grin started spreading the further I read...too bad the poem had to stop. Loved it, loved it, loved it! 5's (more if I could). - June 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Stunning! People, take a gander
At this gem from Alexander
I can't think of much that's grander
Grander than this? Shut up, whore!
How I rate it: Four four four.

OK, 555, actually. It's just that "five" doesn't rhyme with "whore." I really wish someone would fix that.
Phil Alexander - June 25, 2005 - Report this comment
What is this? A rhyming rating
How excitititillating
Really super-spafflicating
(Making words up's such a chore
So I'll write this.. and no more)
John Jenkins - June 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Poe’s opus is quite unnerving,
But new readers get a serving
Of a parody deserving
Of a high place in the archives;
And I rate it five-five-five.
Paul Robinson - June 27, 2005 - Report this comment
When I saw the title I thought it was about one of my naturally I was disappointed it was just about some squawling's ~ ~ ~ I once used a reference to Poe in one of my parodies...but don't know if anyone caught it..."Soon I'll be raving / like Eddie Poe" (or I might have said "Mr. Poe" maybe that was the problem)...hey, I was going to make this a short comment so that it would be in counter-point to my reference...but...I just can't help myself sometimes ~ ~ ~
Johnny D - June 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above ... "Nils Bohr" is a great rhyme.
Peter Andersson - June 28, 2005 - Report this comment
Had you ever met my sister's son you'd know why I can relate to this. The only difference to IRL is, well, the kid's so hyper he's constantly "airborne", so to speak.
Mikey Squirrel - June 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Wow. Quite impressive. Remember the 1st season Simpsons Treehouse Of Horror? It had James Earl (Vader) Jones reading the original of Poe's classic while Homer gets irritated by a Bart-like raven. Your version is almost similiar. Yea, I watch too much Simpsons. Sue Me. Anyways, excellent work and qouth the Squirrel..tri-fives more!
Arwen - June 28, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--I am beyond impressed, Phil...this is FABulous!
Phil Alexander - June 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Mikey - funny you mention that: my children had been watching that one on video, so it probably played some part in the inspiration
Arwen - {blush}
JD - "Flugzeugstur" isn't a perfect rhyme, though... but it's so close that I had to put it in - as far as I can remember my schoolboy German, it should translate as "I'm going to throw the damned kid out the aeroplane door"
Paul - :-) Ravin' like Mr Poe? Can't say that I remember spotting that...
Stuart McArthur - June 29, 2005 - Report this comment
(sotm) - too much detail for this not to be autobiographical, Phil - deny it and you're talking to the hand! - excellent stuff - great rhyming, and very Poe-esque
Jeff Reuben - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM: People will be Raven about this one. I mean Raving. I mean...nevermind, good job =)
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
Man on plane: "Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby."
Stewie: "What? What did you just say?!"
Lois: "Stewie, stop fussing."
Stweie: "Not now Lois. Hey, big man, turn around! If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, you can't hear me now. Alright, that's it! I WAS going to watch the movie, but forget it! For the next five hours YOU'RE MY BITCH!... 'Whaaa whaaa. My ears are popping and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething. Maybe I'm wet... who knows? I'm a BABY. WHAAA! WHAAA!'"

-Family Guy, 'Brian Does Hollywood'.

Still a superb effort, big man.
Ashkicksass - January 24, 2007 - Report this comment
2Eagle - April 14, 2008 - Report this comment
Sorry. I don't like "Let's hate kids." jokes.
Katie Dakin - May 09, 2018 - Report this comment
Please no more kid hate

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