The car park was full
There was no space to stay
So I drove round and round
Round the slow, slow one-way

I drove round the car park
I drove round the place
And I said, "How I wish
There was one bloody space

There was only one gap
Oh, yes, all I could find
By the side of the road
On a bright yellow line

I locked up the car
I ran into the store
But by then I'd forgotten
What I went in for

And then
Something I saw
Through the door of the store

I looked!
And I saw him, his notebook like that
I looked!
And I saw him!
The Twat in the Hat!
And I said to him
Don't write a ticket like that
I know where I'm parked
That parking's not licit
But only two minutes
Look, that's not too long, is it?

"But this is not where you should stay"
Said the twat.
"That line means 'no parking'"
Said the Twat in the Hat.
"To write me a ticket
That quick, would be wrong
I just popped away
I was not very long"

Unluckily I
Did not know what to say.
To that terrible twat
In his hat and toupée

I tried saying, "No! No!
Put that notebook away!
Look, you twat in the hat
I do not want to pay
I should not park here, but
I should not be long"
"You should not be here, no
Your car don't belong!"
"Too bad - here it is
Here it is!" said the Twat.
"This ticket for parking
Said the Twat in the Hat.
"The fine will be fine
The fare will be fair"
And then I said "Look!
There's a space over there"

I drove to the space
It was not very far
And I pulled in and parked
And got out the car

He was right there, was the Twat
Looking strange
As I went through my pockets
Looking for my loose change
To pay for the parking
(A *lot* including VAT)
"But that's not enough change to park"
Said the Twat...

"Here's one more
Here's one more fine!" said the Twat
Because you have not paid
For the space, and that's that
Now you've got TWO tickets
You'll have to pay twice
And I'll get a bonus
Now won't that be nice
And look!
There, you hop up and down looking mad
But it's not so bad
Oh, no.
It's not that bad

Here's one more
Here's one more
Here's one more fine!
And this one makes six
I'll write seven, eight, nine
Don't care you don't like it
Don't care what you say
If you say the wrong thing
Your car gets towed away
It gets dumped, it gets crushed
As I look on with mirth
So tell me, little man
How much is your car worth?
Is it worth all these tickets?
Is it worth all these fines?
That bonus is mine!
Oh, yes
Bonus is MINE!"

That is what the Twat said...
Then I jumped on his head!
He came down with a bump
And he lay on the floor
So I jumped on and kicked him
Then kicked him some more

Then a policeman came over
He was very stout
He said, "Oh, it's HIM", and
Got his truncheon out
"This is quite a good game,"
Said the cop as he hit
"'Cause I do not like him
Not one little bit!"

"Now look what you did!"
Said the Cop to the Twat
"Headbutted my fist
And again.. just like *that*
You've broken my truncheon
Or was that your leg
That snapped when I rapped
Because it missed your head
You piss off the people
Who just want to shop
So take that! and that!
Said the corpulent cop.

"Please do not hit me
Oh, please will you stop!"
Said the Twat in the Hat
To the corpulent cop
"I want you to stop that
I want you to, NOW
But Ouch!," said the Twat in the Hat,
"Ow! Ow! Ow!
This is not
The sort of thing cops should allow

But some people came up
And they all gathered round
As the Twat in the Hat
Lay splattered on the ground
They'd heard the commotion
They had heard the din
And then, to a man
All of them joined in

They stomped and they kicked
And one picked up my ticket
I did not want to know
Where he was gonna stick it
I left about then
I did not want to wait
Left the Twat in the Hat
In a terrible state


The very next day
Came a knock at the door
A policeman came in
Then one more, and one more
Said "Would you look at these"
And so I said "Try me"
And they showed me my tickets
All brown, damp and slimy

I did not try to run
For I would not get far
Because all of those tickets
Had the plate of my car




Then the judge, he came in
And he said straight to me
"Did you cause grievous harm?
Tell me. How do you plead?"

And honestly I did not know
What to say.
Should I mention
The people who joined in that day?

Should I mention the mob?
Should I mention the cop?
Well...
How would you plead
If 't were you in the dock?