The bong did not light
We'd no drugs... not a lot
So we sat with a craving
For grass, weed and pot

I sat there with Franklin
We sat on the floor
And I said, "How I wish
That Fat Freddy would score

No dope for a reefer
No money, no cash
So we sent out Fat Freddy
To refill our stash

And all we could do was to
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.


And then
Someone got scratched
Not just scratched with a match

We looked!
Then we saw him, claws out just like *that*
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Cat's in the flat!
And we wondered
In which of our boots has it shat?

I know Freddy's gone
And it's feeling quite bitter
But we'd like it more
If it used the cat litter

I know a good game we could play:
Catch the cat
Then we could eject him
The Cat from the flat
If we get him out
It will be rather good
To fill up the bong
And smoke pussy's cat food

Then Franklin and I
Tried to pounce on the cat
And catch him and squash him
Yes, totally flat

But our parrot said, No!
That is not nice to play
Don't flatten Fat Freddy's Cat
Not that way
Freddy will not like it
He'll scream, he will shout
Don't flatten that cat
When Fat Freddy is out

Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear! we both said
We won't squash that cat
And then leave him for dead
Why, we can have
Lots of good fun, in this room
With a game that we call
Splat a cat with a broom

Put it down! said the bird
You can't sweep up a cat
Put it down! said the bird
Freddy will not like that

Have no fear! we told him
We won't squash the cat
We'll pretend he's a ball
And YOU can be the bat
With one giant swing
Bat him into a hat
But first thing that we have to do:
Catch the cat

There he is!
There he is now - in the house
Smelling strongly of wee
Playing with a dead mouse
We can catch him right now
Quickly move! We can't fail
We can pick up that cat
And hold on to his tail
And look!
We can capture his nice fluffy tail
So we cannot fail
Oh, no.
We cannot fail

There he is!
There he is!
There he is now
We can splat that fat cat
We will hear him meow
He's gone under the chair
He's gone crossing the floor
He's gone behind the fridge
He's gone out through the door
He's gone straight up the stairs
He's gone under the bed
If we catch that fat cat
Pretty soon he'll be dead
We will bat that fat cat
As if he were a ball
But that is not all.
Oh, no.
That is not all..."

That is what Franklin said...
Then he fell on his head!
He came down with a bump
He did not catch the cat
And the parrot and I
We saw FRANKLIN go splat

And our parrot fell too
He fell like a shot
He said, Do I like this?
Oh, no! I do not.
This is not a good game,
Franklin, you have not learned
Come back soon Fat Freddy
Hopefully unburned

Now where has he gone?
Whispered Franklin to me
I looked under the bed
And no cat did I see
I looked inside the wardrobe
I looked in the loo
And in Fat Freddy's stashbox
I looked in there too
I looked under the sheet
I looked in the duvet
I looked under the pillow
That's cat's run away

But I can smell something
That's foul in the air
And I think that's what's smelling
That boot, over there
But, Hell, they're Fat Freddy's
So why should we care
So there... we agreed with ourselves
They're
Their(?)
There
And 'cause it's Fat Freddy's
We'll leave it in there

And then he ran out.
And, then, fast as a fox,
Freewheelin' Franklin
Came back in with a box.

A big red wood box.
It had catnip inside
Now it is time
Take that cat
For a ride

Then he undid the locks
On the box with a key
Now we'll have FUN-IN-A-BOX
So said he
In this box is some catnip
The cat we will catch
And he held up two more things:
Flamethrower and match

You will capture the cat
You will close up the box
You will fasten the lid
You will do up the locks
Fat Freddy will never know
What we have done
Because we'll eat for lunch
Toasted cat in a bun
And we crept round the house
Kitty, kitty, we said
For we wanted that cat
And we wanted it dead

But Franklin and I
Still did not catch the cat
He stayed clear of the box
And the reason was that
We could not catch the cat
In the box, not a hope
For the catnip's not catnip
It's Fat Freddy's dope!

So we lit up a reefer
We rolled it up hot
Put it out! Put it out!
Said the parrot - no pot

Have no fear, little bird
Said Freewheelin Frank
This shit is good shit
It ain't catnip or skank
Fat Freddy won't mind
If we finish this pot
He prob'ly don't know
That it's here - he's forgot

Oh look, there's the cat
I said, taking a hit
But now we're high as kites,
We could not give a shit

No! Not in the house!
Said the Parrot - no pot.
Do not get high
As a kite! No, do not
Oh, the things you will say
Oh, the things you will eat
Oh, I do not like it!
Said the bird with a tweet

But Franklin and I
We knew just what we'd got
So we lit up some more
Of ol' Fat Freddy's pot
Puff! Puff! Puff! Puff!
Till we'd smoked the whole lot

Then I felt quite peckish
And Franklin did too
So we went to the fridge
To find something to chew
But the fridge it was empty
No, nothing to eat
The idea struck together:
Yes, roast parrakeet

Parrots are easier
Than cats to catch
So we got the flamethrower,
Picked up a match
And I said,
Now, how can we cook it this way
If Freddy could see us
Oh, what would he say?

Then our parrot said Help!
And our bird shook with fear.
Fat Freddy will be coming home
Do you hear?
So please don't do this to me
Don't want to be cooked
No, Freddy won't like it
And you'll both be fooked

So, DO nothing! Please! said the bird
Do you hear?
I heard him! Fat Freddy
Fat Freddy is near
So, as fast as you can,
Think of something to do!
At least please get rid of
The shit in the shoe

But we were too stoned
We did not give a shit
And we said we'll admit
If you're frazzled a bit
A bit, but no shit
Has the smell YOU emit

Then we struck up a match
Lit the fire with a pop
We'll have roast parrakeet
But that bird would not stop
So we lit up the perch
The bed, too, in the way
And set light to the curtains
But bird flew away

Oh dear! we both said
That was not a good game
Oh dear.
Up in flames
Up in flames
Up in flames

Then we put out the fire
With a bucket and hook
And the cat got away
With a singed kind of look.
That is good said the bird
He has got away. Yes.
But Fat Freddy will come
He will find this big mess!
And Fat Freddy is big
And has blond curly hair
And be doped to the eyes
So I guess he won't care

And THEN!
Who was back in the house?
Why, the cat!
Quick! Now we can get him
The Cat's in the flat
So pick up that flamethrower, Franklin
And SO...
Fire it back up...
Time for one more quick go

And then Franklin picked up
His big flamethrower gun
He torched the whole bed, and the chairs - every one
And the fridge, and the door
And the water-bed, too
And the boots with the shit in
The bath and the loo
And he put it away.
Then he said, That is that.
But I still don't think he got
Ol Fat Freddy's cat

Then Fat Freddy came in
And he said to us two,
Who set fire to the flat
Was it him? Was it you?

And Franklin and I did not know
What to say.
Should we tell him
The things that went on here that day?

Should we tell him about it?
Now, what would be right?
So...
We took Freddy's dope
And all got high as kites