I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General –
I’ve information on each vital vitamin and mineral;
I know the terms of science and I cite procedures medical
(I have to list abortion first in order alphabetical);
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters vet’rinarian;
Belong to 4-H, FFA, and yet I’m a Rotarian;
About the problems of our youth I’m teeming with a lot of news . . .
With many tearful figures on the rate of teen-age condom use.
(Chorus: “With many,” etc. x3)

I’m very good at fighting off bacteria and viruses,
And speaking to the CDC by faxes, phones, or wirelesses:
In short, to eyes of Senators conservative and liberal,
I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General.
(Chorus: “In short,” etc.)


I know my medic’s folklore (from my days at the Academy),
And things about the body that are not in Gray’s Anatomy;
I quote from Nurembergia the crimes of Dr. Mengele;
I know who tends to overweight, like Clinton and John Engeler!
I can tell colonic X-ray shots from CAT scans of a lot o’ rope;
I know the themes from ER, M*A*S*H, St. Elsewhere, and Chicago Hope!
And I can touch on touchy fields that give the world a pack o’ grief . . .
Like all the fields still growing that unhappy crop, tobacco leaf!
(Chorus: “Like all,” etc. x3)

Then I can write prescriptions so your druggist couldn’t read a line,
And tell you how to pick a calf to start a better breeder line:
In short, to eyes of Senators conservative and liberal,
I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General.
(Chorus: “In short,” etc.)


In fact, when I know why beer makes one quite as tight as bubbly can;
When I can tell at sight a Democrat from a Republican;
When I can lay all questions of where social ills begin to rest,
And when I know exactly what is meant by “special interest”;
When I have learnt what uninsured gay mates who want to marry do;
When I know more of health care plans than both Louise and Harry do,
You’ll say, as Surgeon General this nominee’s a winnah, for . . .
I always look so fetching in my new HMO pinafore!
(Chorus: “He/she always looks,” etc. x3)

Now, my politicking, lobbying, and Beltway educa-a-tion
Is only up-to-date as of the Ford administra-a-tion,
But still, to eyes of Senators conservative and liberal,
I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General.
(Chorus: “But still,” etc.)