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Song Parodies -> "American Idol Judges Panel"

Original Song Title:

"You're The Top"

Original Performer:

Cole Porter

Parody Song Title:

"American Idol Judges Panel"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

A typical day at work for our three favorite judges on our least favorite show. Hope someone KTOS...
Simon Cowell:
I'm apathetic, must be genetic
For I always have been depressed
Contestants thinking that they're the best
And that Seacrest - what a pest!
They're serenading, it's agitating
Do they really think they'll go far?
They're not so pretty; their singing's sh*tty
So I'm gonna tell them
How bad they are!

You're a flop.
You're the worst this season
Get offstage
For I have my reasons
Your sick melody is like hell to me, you louse
Jacket has stains on it
Disgusting bonnet!
What's with the blouse?
You can smile,
And try to appease us
But the truth is you've just displeased us
Your singing is dreck, a total wreck, now STOP!
Absolutely dreadful! Leave us, you're a flop!

Paula Abdul:
You sound pathetic - I'm sympathetic
So I'm forced to say "Babe, you shine!"
For I'm ordered, when Simon whines
To stay benign
Say "You're fine!"
I'm sure that Cowell said "Throw the towel"
He thinks that your song was bad
But I got a notion
I'll please your emotions
And this is what I'm going to add;

You're not bad!
Your performance? Dandy!
You're not bad!
Here, now have some candy.
You've got talent, right
But you've got some weight to gain
Please do increase your calories
Here, eat my celery
While joy I feign
You're sublime,
Though you're a beginner
In your prime, I'm sure you'd be winner
Though you're not an idol, you're not the worst we've had
Do not be depressed, remember:
You're not bad!

Randy Jackson:
Girl, you rock!
You're worth fifty dollars
Girl, you rock!
Tight performance, holla!
I sure like your head
With the nappy dreadlock hair!
Could I meet your Mama?

Oh, cut the drama!

Rand, don't go there!

Randy Jackson:
You just showed
You're real good at dancing
I infer
You're good at romancing
I know I'm a judge
But it works, so fudge the rules!

All right Randy, stop hitting on Miss Abdul!

I forgot...
Wait, we're judging singers?
Oh, that's right!
Well, the song's a ringer
But the angle you took,
It's too too too obscene!
With your too-large belly
That's too MUCH jelly
Get off the screen!

That's the truth,
You're sing terr-i-ba-lly
Leave the room
Don't go Will Hung on me

But remember this - please just never quit...

...your job!
'Cause you're going back - you realize
You're a flob!

That's our show
With our stellar ratings
Paid to smile...

While I'm paid for hating!
My remarks are snide!

Yes, your ego's wide as me!

Why, you sick, fat bastard...

What a disaster...

Yes, I agree!
Though the show
Is the best on FOX now
I'm fatigued like a worn-out ox now

We can't leave the show

Nowhere to go
But hell!

And there's still another season...
Sigh, oh well.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   1
 4   0
 5   4

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

John Barry - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Don't KTOS, but I hate Slimin' Bowel and his crappy show, so I love this parody.
EmiLoca - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks John! For any others wishing to know the original song, I first heard it in our production of "Anything Goes". It's a very well-known Cole Porter song (assuming that any of his songs are well-known), and it involves two people spouting off the strangest of compliments to each other. Naturally, it reminded me of Cowell spouting off the foulest of degradations towards the AI contestants. (All that should have definitely been added to the italicized portion on top.)
Leo Jay - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Well, you started with a 5-5-5 to begin with, just for starting with the tricky verse instead of understandably copping out starting with the chorus. Then you get major props for dealing with all the internal rhyme and staggered meter this song demands ("I sure like your head/with the nappy dreadlock hair" -- nicely done!), and then you get bonus points for nicely drawn character outlines and the interplay between them.

I used this tune once for an ode to 'West Wing' character C.J. Cregg, written in rap/urban street dialect, that I posted on a fansite ("She Da Bomb"). You'll forgive me if I take inspiration from you and use Porter's tune again to inspire a new parody (completely unrelated, of course -- I know nothing about 'Idol', though you've given me a very good sense here of what each judge is like).
Leo Jay - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Sorry, just had to add, Paula's "never quit..." with Simon interjecting "...your job" is brilliant. Funny, ironic, perfect encapsulation of their contrasting attitudes. Brilliant.
Leo Jay - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh my, I'm so enchanted with this I keep coming back for a re-read. Hey, you should have had Randy say "fiddy dollas". Gotta take off points for that and lower you to a 5-5-5. Ok, I'll shut up now. (I'm not usually anywhere near so annoying -- this thing just has me giddy...)
Claude Prez - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
My favorite part was "Here, have some candy". But the whole thing was very very good.
EmiLoca - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
*tears up* Ah, the bliss of receiving positive feedback! Thank you, Leo Jay, for your comments! You have no idea how much my, heart...swells from people being so specifically honest about what they thought of your parody. And lo and behold! Someone thought it was okay! I think I'm going to go hug something now.
Leo Jay - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Just saw your pic on the boards -- you mean you're CUTE too?
Leo Jay - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
ok, you're gonna need a virtual restraining order soon... sorry.
EmiLoca - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
It's all right. I only issue virtual restraining orders on the ones who send me THEIR pictures. ;-)
Leo Jay - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh... [sighs] ok... ignore the attachment on the email then. :-)

[Good lord, if my girlfriend googles my comments, I'm in trouble.. :-p]

Look for my tribute parody instead.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
DKTOS, but I think everyone has summed up what I had to say on this clever piece, except the issue of excessive riboflavin in children's teething rings. I know all about Hymen Scowl from the saturation of US reality shows that are then ripped off with an Aussie version. Can you believe Big Brother 5? I actually joked about Survivor 10 years ago and the curse has come true! NOOOO! Hope to see a parody when it comes out :)
Joelle - June 15, 2004 - Report this comment
Great! Hahaha! 5's!
EmiLoca - June 16, 2004 - Report this comment
A t-t-t-tribute parody? If you're serious, I'm delirious. That would be an honor beyond mortal belief. If you're not...well, das coo'. Thanks to JARLB and Joelle, and I agree - I've had enough reality shows to last me two or three lifetimes. Anyone see World Idol? What a joke! What's wrong with keeping 10 (was that the number?) winners? Must we always eliminate the loser until we've split the atom?!? Why does everything in this world have to be a FREAKIN' COMPETITION?
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 16, 2004 - Report this comment
Yeah, you better be kidding, punk. *returns to corner to sulk*
EmiLoca - June 16, 2004 - Report this comment
Speaking of competition...
JARLB - June 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh! Ingenius plan! We collect all of the lame messages that have piled up from our parodies and do a book on the evolution of thought process in the minds of people replying to a parody, showing how a subject starting with a marriage proposal results in mass carnage involving alcoholic and necro beverages, an Iron Maiden packed with random paraphernalia and a pet Tibbygirl gnawing a musket. Then this book can be made into a movie with a spin-off REALITY TV SHOW! Hoorah!!
EmiLoca - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Can I be the nerve-grating lead actress in the movie? I mean, you'd obviously write the book yourself, I might as well put my talents to good use. And I'd thank you when I won the Oscar.
Tibbygirl - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment
*chews the last of the musket, and swallows* Musket? What musket? I AM NO PET, YOU HALF-WITTED FIEND! I have a mind of my own! I, I can do backflips, and not on command, either!!! I....I.....*continues to ramble but everyone has rolled thier eyeballs and ceased to listen*
EmiLoca - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Basically, yeah.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Help! I have Mad-Eye Moody Syndrome! My eye won't quit rolling!
EmiLoca - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment
This is how I diagnose Mad-Eye Moody Syndrome. *stands, completely naked, under an Invisibility Cloak*
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Apricot - June 23, 2004 - Report this comment
Wait, who called my comments lame?
Tibbygirl - June 23, 2004 - Report this comment
Nobody. *whistles suspiciously*
EmiLoca - June 23, 2004 - Report this comment
Diagnosis complete. *crumples and throws off invisibility cloak* And Apricot, your comments ARE rather lame. But mostly your dog. Okay, now where did I put that invisibility cloak...I wonder, if someone were to crumple it into a ball and throw it away *purely hypothetical here*, would it make itself invisible?
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 23, 2004 - Report this comment
I believe that in the movie we are able to see the cloak until it is wrapped around the characters, so must only function when their is a living organism (or possibly just a human) underneath. Better still, it only works when a MAGICAL human is underneath, meaning that you must be a witch!!!
Tibbygirl - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
*hiding under invisibility cloak, pointing wand at JARLB* That's what you think, Mr. Brattoni...........
Tibbygirl - August 07, 2004 - Report this comment
*breaks wand* I QUIT.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Sweet, it was worth the two weeks of silence! (witch)
lou lou - January 25, 2007 - Report this comment
who was the celebrity judge on the panel, wednesday night january 24th? her first name was carol.........

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