Twas the night before Christmas when all thro the house
I was trying to capture one furry-assed mouse
My woman was standing up high on a chair
In hopes that the pest control guy would get there

There would be no more sleepin snug in my bed
While visions of rodents ran all thro my head
And mamma's old nerves had just about snapped
First time that I'd ever wished for a cat

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
It was someone from pest control, high on a ladder
I tried to pry mamma down from the chair
But the thought of a mouse hunt she just couldn't bear

I heard a small squeak from the basement below
I didn't own one single mouse trap, you know
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a long skinny tail and two tiny ears

With a black twitching nose so shiny and slick
I reached for a very long hickory stick
As fast as the devil that little thing moved
He looked at me as if to say "You're a Boob"

"I'm dashing, I'm prancing, throughout your fine kitchen
Your Comet and SOS pads I am blitzen
To the top of the counter to the top of the fridge
I'll wear you out, sucker, right down to a smidge"

I tripped on my stocking and fell on the floor
While Mamma was laughing with such a loud roar
Down from the rooftop the pest guy just flew
He was armed with some horrible traps that had glue

And then in a twinkling we all heard it squeak
And the clippety clopping of its little feet
And faster than I could just turn around
Out from the closet it came with a bound

He was dressed all in fur-it was his birthday suit
And I heard my wife shrieking "oh isn't he cute"
But I felt like wringing his cute little neck
And I knew that I wouldn't be winning this trek

His little eyes squinted as he looked up at me
And in those two slits, oh I noticed such glee
I thought I could somehow get him in tow
And toss his cute furry brown ass in the snow

A piece of my cheese he held tight in his teeth
I knew he was planning to give me such grief
With his short stumpy face and little round belly
I wished I could stuff him inside the grape jelly

I was clammy and cold and beside myself
"Just wait til I grab your tail on the shelf
I'll poke at your eyes and twist your small head
And before I am done, I bet you'll wish you're dead"

Just as I finished, he sprang for my shirt
He said "Well we'll see now who's the biggest jerk"
And laying his teeth right into my nose
He scurried away on a pile of soiled clothes

He ran out the back door and gave a short whistle
While the hair on the back of my neck was a bristle
I examined my nose with a mirror and light
That monster had given me one nasty bite.