'Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the house
Every creature was ailing, including the mouse.
The mouse had contracted severe urethritis,
And his children had gastro as in enteritis.

And I with my asthma and Mom with her hacks
Had ingested our meds and lay flat on our backs.
The children had strep throat or some such diseases;
I could hear them complaining through coughs, snorts and sneezes.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care;
Before we'd got sick we had thrown them up there.
When out on the street there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to the bathroom to empty my bladder.

Then straight to the window I flew like a flash
And tripped on the ice pack I use for my rash.
The moon that was rising above the oak tree
Resembled a tablet of Vitamin C;

When what to my watery eyes should appear
But a Beemer, bright red!--(couldn't make out the year).
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I almost forgot I was miserably sick.

He hopped out of the car and made straight for our door--
"A bonafide house call from Santa? I'm floored!"
He was dressed all in white from his head to his feet;
On his neck was a stethoscope; damn, that was sweet.

He checked out all my functions, the heartbeat, the breathing,
The blood pressure, temperature, even the knee thing.
A complete Christmas physical! "How could this be?,"
I asked. "Don't you know?" he said, "I'm an M.D.!

With all of this newfangled modern technology,
I've obtained my degree in otolaryngology!"
Then sticking his otoscope way up my nose
He exclaimed, "You've got polyps!" I said, "What are those?"

With a long explanation both obtuse and boring
He gave me a nose patch to help with my snoring;
Also Claritin-D and two kinds of inhalers:
One corticosteroid, one bronchodilator.

He had samples of pills he'd obtained from exhibitors:
Some free serotonin reuptake inhibitors;
A tricyclic antidepressant or two,
And lots of Viagra--how could I refuse?

Then sticking his hand down inside of his coat,
And giving a nod, a prescription he wrote.
(Be it over the counter, generic or not,
If Blue Cross authorizes it, it shall be bought.)

After shaking my hand, he took off 'cross the lawn,
Saying, "I've got ten house calls to make before dawn!"
He revved up the engine, and streaked to the sky
Exclaiming, "How 'bout my 325i?

Take Tylenol! Sudafed! Take Echinacea!
Take Benadryl, Goldenseal, Tums and Acacia!
To the certified herbalist, RiteAid or Payless,
Some remedy, Eastern or Western, won't fail us!"

And I heard him shout as he flew home to his elves,
"Merry Christmas to all, and take care of yourselves!"