God rest ye merry gentlemen
Whose parts were blown astray.
You came afar while bearing gifts
To Bethlehem one day.
But you puffed on a rubber cigar
And now we are dismayed.
O, ashes to dust ye return,
Dust ye return,
O, ashes to dust ye return.

In Bethlehem, the Wise Men,
Having traveled afar,
They took a break and tried to puff
On a rubber cigar.
It was loaded and exploded,
And now they orbit Mars.
O, ashes to dust ye return,
Dust ye return,
O, ashes to dust ye return.

O, God the Heavenly Father
Wondered “Who is to blame?
Who played this trick on those Wise Men
And burst them into flame?”
He sent an angel to go out
And find the culprit’s name.
O, ashes to dust ye return,
Dust ye return,
O, ashes to dust ye return.

“Fear not,” then said the angel,
“The culprit shall be found.
If he shall try to get away,
His ship will run aground!
Then we shall find the savior
And watch as he is crowned.”
O, ashes to dust ye return,
Dust ye return,
O, ashes to dust ye return.

And when he came to Bethlehem,
He wanted the facts, ma’am.
He soon found a suspect,
It was some guy named Graham.
The suspect said, “You can’t catch me,
‘Cause I’m the Son of Sam!”
O, ashes to dust ye return,
Dust ye return,
O, ashes to dust ye return.

The suspect, he was found guilty
Of murder first degree.
“I banish him to Chernobyl!”
The Lord, he did decree.
With this man gone, and God’s Son born,
There was much reverie.
O, ashes to dust ye return,
Dust ye return,
O, ashes to dust ye return.