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Song Parodies -> "Please, Officer Shtupme"

Original Song Title:

"Gee, Officer Krupke (from West Side Story)"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Please, Officer Shtupme"

Parody Written by:

Stan Hall

The Lyrics

Officer Shtupme is a lady cop in this jestified story ...
"Please, Officer Shtupme"

Behind me Sergeant Shtupme
please reach around your hand,
I’m beggin’ you, and cup me,
I’ll be at your command.
I feel you feel my monkey
and if I had the spunk,
Golly Moses, I’d drag you to the bunk!

See, Officer Shtupme, a uniform gets
him goin’ when it garbs a gal – it must be epaulettes!
In fantasies frequent
he’s sharin’ my wood …
deep down inside you must be good.

Action: Must be good!

Where’s his wood? Spare his wood!
His baton-rapped wood …
like John Courgar’s make it hurt so good.

Snowboy: (spoken) That’s a crushin’ wood story.

Action: (spoken) Lemme tell it to the world.

Snowboy: (spoken) Just tell it to the judge.

I find, dear Judge, I wanna
watch Sergeant Shtupme slough
her togs like an iguana
’til she’s standin’ in the buff.
Like meter-readin’ Rita,
liveried with ticket pad …
leapin’ lizards, Shtupme drives me mad.

Diesel: (as Judge) Right!
Officer Shtupme, you must be aware
those melon-mounted medals a boy’s notice will snare.
With penile ptosis
from lust this one’s curbed
he’s spike-ologic’ly disturbed.

Action: I’m disturbed!

He’s perturbed and disturbed
’cause of lust he’s curbed,
like he’s spike-ologic’ly disturbed.

Diesel: (spoken, as Judge) In the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account he ain’t had a normal bone.

Action: (spoken) Hey, I’m depraved on account I’m deprived!

Diesel: (spoken, as Judge) So take him to a headshrinker.

My ma is a drill master
whose men say “Yessiree,”
and no one dares to sass her
(especially not me),
while daddy’s only privates
shrivel up in civvy dress …
Goodness gracious, that’s why I’m a mess.

A-rab: (as Psychiatrist) Ja!
Ach! Polizist Shtupme, ist choo das ist “prob.”
Ziss kitt, ’ee chust neetz eine kleine han-chob!
Zo ficken Sie ihm mit dein Faust (das heißt, “wank”)
sonst zoshullogic’ly ’ee’s krank!**

Action: Am I sick!?!

Yes, you’re sick, flaccid d*ck,
but you’ll straighten out quick
if Shtupme the flic gives it a flick.

A-rab: (spoken, as Psychiatrist) I am zinkin’ das ziss kinder dun’t neet ’iss head shrunk no vay … ziss choovenile'ss wiener shrinkage, zee, iss chust iss zoshull dis-eece.

Action: (spoken) Hey, I got a social disease!

A-Rab: (spoken, Psychiatrist) Zo take ihm auf ein zoshull vorker!

Assigned me, social worker,
to cure me by hand-f*ck,
Sergeant Shtupme is a shirker,
she just says “Good luck.”
Oh, how can she say “No,” she’ll
not give me a jerk?
Gloriosky! She should think it’s a perk!

Baby John: (as Social Worker) Eek!
Officer Shtupme, you simply must ken
that only you can teach this boy to … “write with his pen.”
It’s simply a matter of untutored wood --
deep down inside you he’d be good.

Action: (spoken) I’d be good!

He’d have wood as he should
and he’d feel so good
like, about himself he would feel good.

Diesel: (as Judge) He only needs a lay, see?

A-Rab: (as Psychatrist) Vich Shtupme knohss, I zink!

Baby John: (as Social Worker) And a word or two of praise, see?

Diesel: He doesn’t need a shrink, ...

A-Rab: ... just some sex’d have him glowing ...

Baby John: … If it’s Shtupme that he’s “knowing.”

Shtupme, he’s got trouble with his bone.
Please, Officer Shtupme,
give Action a squeeze
he’s got a little problem some hand motion’ll ease.
See, Officer Shtupme,
if you help him spew,
he, Officer Shtupme
(will) stup you.
© Stan Hall ** Fractured German/bad German accent -- it's to be hoped context conveys the gist of the shrink’s advice re how Shtupme should handle Action. :-)
“krank” -> “sick”
“das heißt …” -> “that’s to say …”

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 4

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   4

User Comments

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alvin - April 11, 2008 - Report this comment
wow ! ....this is a flat out masterpiece...too many great lines to mention, but i especially liked the references to john cougar, iguanas and rita...your talents are amazing...bravo
Invisible Boy - April 11, 2008 - Report this comment
Wow Stan, I have to agree with alvin. You have so much great stuff packed into this one.
I'm a big Sondheim fan and IMHO West Side Story is one of the top 3 musicals of all time. Wait...that could actually be a thread...What are the top 3 musicals of all time ?
alvin - April 11, 2008 - Report this comment
"west side story", "the music man" and that part in " a clockwork orange" where alex performs "singing in the rain"
Kristof Robertson - April 14, 2008 - Report this comment
It's a shame you posted this on the weekend, Stan....this is glorious and deserves to be seen by a much larger audience. Bravo! 555+
littleCougaress - April 14, 2008 - Report this comment
Sir Stan, ~Duke o'Hall~, you know your ~Milwaukee German~ quite well, Sir! Danke, Mein LieberHerr

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