Everybody's free (when they're not wearing pants)
Ladies and Gentleman of the class of '99:
Wear pants.
The benefits of wearing pants in public have been proved by
sociologists. If I could offer any advice for the future, pants would be it.
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than the
incessant voices screaming in my head. I will release these voices
now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of levitating your soup spoon off the
kitchen table and setting your curtains on fire just by staring at them.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power of telekinesis until
the C.I.A. has erased your memory. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll
look back at police sketches of yourself and recall in a way you can't
grasp now how much cheese cake lay before you and how fabulous
cheese cake really tastes. Yum.
You are not as fat as you will be in a few years. Maybe you should lay
off the cheese cake.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that the future is in the
hands of evil robots, and there's nothing you can do to stop them.
Do one thing every day that confuses you. Like trying to translate
Arabic into Pig Latin.
Fart.
Don't puke in other people's face. They will not puke in your's.
Curse.
Remember all the gifts recieve. Forget the insults. If you succeed in
doing this, go tell someone who f**king cares.
Puke.
Keep your old cheesy poof boxes. Throw out your old pics of Sally
Struthers.
Don't read Teen People magazine. It'll just make you feel like a dumb
ass.
Get to know your friends. you never know when they'll be your Car
dealer. Be kind to your dog. They're the link to your past and help you
realize Jarred Lietz was a dumbass.
Move to Margate. but move out before you become a dumbass. Move
to Coral Springs, but move out before you become dumb as a f**king
post.
Don't waste your time on jelly beans. Sometimes the green ones
taste like apples, and sometimes they're some sort of toothpaste
flavor.
Accept unavoidable thruths: Jarred's gay, Matt's his boyfriend, and you
to will be smarter than them. and when you get old, you will fantizize
when you were young, that Jarred was gay, Matt was his boyfriend,
and nobody respected your authori-tah.
Respect my authori-tah.
Take off that silly ass hat!
Maybe you'll have a girlfriend/boyfriend, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll
be piss ass poor. Maybe you won't. But one thing for sure, All of them
are very special episodes of "Moesha"
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know live with their parents and dream
of one day appearing on the Jerry Springer show. OK, they're pathetic
and miserable, but boy are they interesting.
Be kind to your knees. They'll be the next ones to take over the planet
once the evil robots are gone.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, like walking
around the STA plaza, yelling "Boy I smell nice."
Stop stalking me.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. But not in public. That's
what pants are for.
Be careful whose advice you buy. Because everyone's advice,
besides me and my friend's, is total and complete hippie crap. But
trust me, on the pants.