We know he's too fast for radar screens
Crushin' light speed every Christmas
If you're "bad" there's no reward
That makes me mean

He's all over all my next of kin
That's the reason why I'm drinking
They get a visit, ain't it nice
He'd get a piece of me!

He'll bring most everything to braindeads
He will not bring ME even tweed
I don't think it's jolly his laughter
Me I know he's mean

'Cos Santa avoids me
When he flies at night
I've got nothing from Santa, all my life
Oh yes, he 'voids me
When I'm near his sight
And he's been skipping me
Every year, it ain't right

I get back through this parody
Gonna put this longing life behind me
And I've made plans for all the reindeers
Through a hitman good in-flight

I'll get revenge through blood
Unless you run off telling
Yeah, this Yule I'll be a heathen
Time has come tonight

He won't even have to touch my house
I am all soo prepared
I've put mines under YOUR roofing tile
So I can get him there

'Cos Santa avoids me
When he flies at night
I've got nothing from Santa, all my life
Oh yes, he 'voids me
When I'm near his sight
And he's been irking me
For years, it ain't right

Don't tell my next of kins what I'm planning
Ma's gonna tell me that it ain't nice
That I've been gearing up to kick on his testicles
And if I'll hit she's gonna hand him some ice
Come sit near and hear me through
You'd got what I've got you'd do what I'll do

I'm getting no presents
So I'll rip Nick's fancy dress
Yes I'm getting mad 'nough, t' blow him away
You won't find me on his nice-list
'Cos I'm gonna grill the reindeers
And I'm gonna do it nonchalant
Prancer'll make my day

There'll be no sleigh left behind
On the Elfs pepper I'll be spraying
Rudolph's nose will be a phantom limb
Just check YOUR sock when I'm done slaying

'Cos Santa avoids me
When he flies at night
I've got nothing from Santa, all my life
Oh yes, he 'voids me
When I'm near his sight
And he's been skipping me
Every year, it ain't right

(Repeat chorus until the fat man comes)