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Song Parodies -> "This Team's Bad"
Original Song Title:
"Be Our Guest"
Original Performer:
Disney, "Beauty and the Beast"
Parody Song Title:
"This Team's Bad"
Parody Written by:
Doug Baseball
The Lyrics
Not only did I think I only had 3 to do, not 4, my idea for a “Christmas Carol”-based parody, “Spirits Three,” based on “Be Our Guest” were doused by how long this is; the first paragraph starting “Be Our Guest” I could have done, plus bits like of “Christmas past(repeat) is the opposite of last” or “You’ll feel joy, you’ll feel spry/Now Tiny Tim will not die” right near the end, but overall it was too much to try to match the whole play. So, here is my last of the Super Seven. Like a player who plays too long (like in this song), trying to complete the Super Seven was really not a good idea, as I did a lot better before I came back. Still, hopefully this provides a few highlights. Because, we’ve all had the kinds of sports teams where at least we can laugh with songs like these, because…
This Team’s Bad
Team owner/GM:
To all dear fans of our team, it is with heartfelt pride we are announcing that we’re giving things away.
In fact, we invite you to enjoy, as we put on a
showcase of amusement even though we’ll – play lousy.
Chorus:
This team’s bad, this team’s bad!
But please don’t go away mad.
We trust we can make it so you’ll say,
“Oh, yes, what fun I had.”
Flying pigs,
Hot dogs race,
Funny visitors from space
Played by actors.
Manager:
Can we sign one?
GM:
May as well try; wine and dine one.
But one catch, as you’ll see,
He is only three-foot-three.
Player shorter than Gaedel(1) no team has had.
But hey, our team is lousy,
He could draw fans, so we
May be glad.
‘Cause we’re bad,
This team’s bad.
GM and chorus:
Come on out,
Watch us play,
Please don’t mind our poor display.
GM:
We’re too slow and we can’t throw,
When balls come at us we just pray.
We’ll collide,
And fall down,
Drawing laughs around the town.
Laughingstock though we may be now,
Here’s your chance to come and see how
We do tricks, all for you,
So you won’t sit there and boo.
Chorus:
Dancing chickens bug the ump,
And steal the ball.
We players join the glee,
Though we want victory
More than a tad.
GM:
I’ll admit
Comedy’s the safest fit.
Chorus:
This team’s bad, this team’s bad, yes it’s bad.
Though we practice, we’re still sad.
But you’ll go for our logo
‘Cause we are now decked out in plaid.
Flashy yes! Kind of loud.
But our designer is proud,
Red and green to us are pleasing.
Our new logo? No more teasing.
I’ll tell you, it’s a frog!
Dancing on a crimson log!
Playing catch with an athletic looking lad.
Christmas Frogs should make you
Buy a ball cap or two….
Okay, it’s bad.
GM
Yes it’s bad.
Chorus:
This team’s bad.
GM:
We might not be lucky
With all our plans, but we’re plucky.
We’ll trust you to see us through whate’er we try.
And we promise in return we’ll never
Force you to give us a sad “goodbye.”
Cent’ries we’ll be playing,
Right here, ‘cause for you we’re staying.
And one day we will have a team with real skills,
But till we find lots of better players,
It’s not such a pity,
Away teams all love our city.(2)
Player:
Our team’s bad, our team’s bad!
But, a great career I’ve had.
Why I came back to the game,
My Hall of Fame-bound stats to pad
With this team, I don’t know,
But I’ll sometimes give a show.
Other times you’ll think I’m fifty,
But at least I once was nifty.
Some guys though, won’t get hot,
Rather give a roster spot,
To a dog who in our uniform is clad.
Chorus:
Hey, grand promotion line.
Player:
So Snoopy we should sign?
We’ll make an ad.
Chorus:
‘Cause we’re bad.
Player:
This team’s bad.
Chorus:
Yes we’re bad.
This team’s bad. This team’s bad. This team’s bad.
Chorus:
This team’s bad. This team’s bad.
As the losses start to add,
We’ll act quick, to get the number one draft pick.
Many a lad
Will get starts right away,
There’s no need to wait to play,
Before high school, some are scouting,
So very young guys we’re touting.
Watch them throw, watch them run!
They know this game should be fun!
Plus, we’ve got concessions that are really rad.
So, please come join the fun here,
Don’t mind it’s a down year.
This team’s bad.
This team’s bad.
This team’s bad.
Yes, this team’s bad.
Team owner/GM:
To all dear fans of our team, it is with heartfelt pride we are announcing that we’re giving things away.
In fact, we invite you to enjoy, as we put on a
showcase of amusement even though we’ll – play lousy.
Chorus:
This team’s bad, this team’s bad!
But please don’t go away mad.
We trust we can make it so you’ll say,
“Oh, yes, what fun I had.”
Flying pigs,
Hot dogs race,
Funny visitors from space
Played by actors.
Manager:
Can we sign one?
GM:
May as well try; wine and dine one.
But one catch, as you’ll see,
He is only three-foot-three.
Player shorter than Gaedel(1) no team has had.
But hey, our team is lousy,
He could draw fans, so we
May be glad.
‘Cause we’re bad,
This team’s bad.
GM and chorus:
Come on out,
Watch us play,
Please don’t mind our poor display.
GM:
We’re too slow and we can’t throw,
When balls come at us we just pray.
We’ll collide,
And fall down,
Drawing laughs around the town.
Laughingstock though we may be now,
Here’s your chance to come and see how
We do tricks, all for you,
So you won’t sit there and boo.
Chorus:
Dancing chickens bug the ump,
And steal the ball.
We players join the glee,
Though we want victory
More than a tad.
GM:
I’ll admit
Comedy’s the safest fit.
Chorus:
This team’s bad, this team’s bad, yes it’s bad.
Though we practice, we’re still sad.
But you’ll go for our logo
‘Cause we are now decked out in plaid.
Flashy yes! Kind of loud.
But our designer is proud,
Red and green to us are pleasing.
Our new logo? No more teasing.
I’ll tell you, it’s a frog!
Dancing on a crimson log!
Playing catch with an athletic looking lad.
Christmas Frogs should make you
Buy a ball cap or two….
Okay, it’s bad.
GM
Yes it’s bad.
Chorus:
This team’s bad.
GM:
We might not be lucky
With all our plans, but we’re plucky.
We’ll trust you to see us through whate’er we try.
And we promise in return we’ll never
Force you to give us a sad “goodbye.”
Cent’ries we’ll be playing,
Right here, ‘cause for you we’re staying.
And one day we will have a team with real skills,
But till we find lots of better players,
It’s not such a pity,
Away teams all love our city.(2)
Player:
Our team’s bad, our team’s bad!
But, a great career I’ve had.
Why I came back to the game,
My Hall of Fame-bound stats to pad
With this team, I don’t know,
But I’ll sometimes give a show.
Other times you’ll think I’m fifty,
But at least I once was nifty.
Some guys though, won’t get hot,
Rather give a roster spot,
To a dog who in our uniform is clad.
Chorus:
Hey, grand promotion line.
Player:
So Snoopy we should sign?
We’ll make an ad.
Chorus:
‘Cause we’re bad.
Player:
This team’s bad.
Chorus:
Yes we’re bad.
This team’s bad. This team’s bad. This team’s bad.
Chorus:
This team’s bad. This team’s bad.
As the losses start to add,
We’ll act quick, to get the number one draft pick.
Many a lad
Will get starts right away,
There’s no need to wait to play,
Before high school, some are scouting,
So very young guys we’re touting.
Watch them throw, watch them run!
They know this game should be fun!
Plus, we’ve got concessions that are really rad.
So, please come join the fun here,
Don’t mind it’s a down year.
This team’s bad.
This team’s bad.
This team’s bad.
Yes, this team’s bad.
(1) Eddie Gaedel, three foot seven, was hired by Bill Veeck as a publicity stunt for one at bat; the implication here is they might even regularly play a man who is shorter, not just sign him. (2) Because they get easy wins there is the implication, don’t know if it’s clear enough.
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The Kansas City, Kansas "T-Bones" punctuate their games with races between costumed characters, kids contests, parachute jumpers, and other gimmicks. I recall attending one game during which another party across the road shot off a large fireworks display. Through it all, there were many people walking about the stadium who were paying no attention at all to the game, nor to the fireworks. Not sure why they even paid to come inside. The old Kansas City A's of my childhood were also known for promotional gimmickry: a statue behind home plate that came up from the ground to deliver baseballs to the umpire, a mule dressed in team colors, a shepherd with a flock of sheep in right field. This for a team that routinely lost at least 100 games each season. One promotion I recall would never be allowed today: each kid under 12 who came into the old Municipal Stadium was given a wooden baseball bat.
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