Back at home, none can deny that when on stage, I was the best
For my talents were renowned far and wide
When it comes to bookings on opening night
All the seats fill up without me e'en trying
With the slightest little effort of my beauteous charm
Even straight men ask me out to dine
With a touch of a hand and a well-placed word
Even sworn lesbians have swooned many a time

But now, in Tinseltown, a different thing
The smell of greased fries and burger patties
'Cause I'm stuck at Burger King
I tire of serving up the same old routine

Oh, somewhere along Hollywood lane
Is a star that should bear my name
So many parts that I could do fine
If someone would just give me the time

I can cause someone fright or be their delight
Or seduce you right out of your pants
I can be Mr. Hunky or Loser Unlucky
Accents ranging from New York to France
And if need be instead, I could lose my whole head
Tattling out Shakespearean quotation
Come animal or man, audition me! I can
Pull them all off with easy heartfelt passion

But who would ever give a chance
To the uniformed guy at Counter number five
He'd sweep all the Oscars if he only could
If they 'd see past the pretty face, if they understood

There's more to what the eye can see
A wealth of characters I could be
My talents a box office could make
If they, a risk on me, would take