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Song Parodies -> "Ralphie"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Denis Leary

Parody Song Title:


Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

Although this is being submitted at the wrong time of year, this came from a challenge to me by Matthias. The idea for this parody came from the beginning of Leary's rant.
Folks, I’d like to tell a tale about an American boy. Namely me, it’s all true, about the way our American lives were before our country had any real regrets. About the special feeling we got with Christmas in our hearts…a different kind of Christmas, back in the F.D.R. era—Hammond, Indiana—kids weren’t called ‘latchkeys’—didn’t have television…you don’t know

I’m just a dorky young kid with greasy blonde hair
Share my bedroom with Randy, now is that at all fair?
I like baseball, and jello, and the candy store
Live in a danky old house with linoleum floor
With mom and my dad, my best friend is Schwartz
No I-phone or Apple, and no stinking Walmartz

Now most times this life ain’t enough to keep a kid like me interested (oh no), no way, uh-uh!
I want without doubt, a cool gun as part of my Christmas presents
(Oh yeah) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

That radio show ‘Orphan Annie’ was keen
‘Til they told me to be sure to drink Olvatine!
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)

My dad won a contest, the prize was so neat
A sexy leg-shaped table lamp you could see from the street
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (It’s the world seen by Ralphie)

That jerk, Scut Farkus, he always will chase us
With his mean toady Dill, they make such ugly faces
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (He’s a wimp, name of Ralphie)

I’ve wanted this Christmas present for so long
Scheming and leading my mom and dad on
“You’ll shoot your eye out!”, I think they are wrong…

Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (It’s the world seen by Ralphie)

You know what I wanna get? I wanna get myself an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time for Christmas, that would make things all right! Yeah! ‘Cause I’m gonna walk around with that baby every hour on the hour, wearing my big-ass Stetson, shooting down the evil nasty house burglars like Jean Shepard did for his old-fashioned radio fables that old folks all praise of. And when I’m done mowing down those sleazeball burglars I’m gonna stick my tongue on the American flag pole and not need any fire department to my side, and you don’t need to double-dog dare me and nobody else can do it. You know why? Because you guys are dolts, that’s why!

Oh nertz! I wanna get THIS WEAPON, OK? Just-a give-a me the gun right he-uh. You can make me wear the bunny suit anytime you want. You can make me ingest that cake soap nightly for cussing, I don’t care, I’ll take it all and lick it all from my lips, because you are the Mom, OK?! I’m blind in the head, I’m stricken! And later, when you prepare the Christmas dinner, right when you pull out the turkey, Dad’s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Did you remember to shut the back door? Well, inside will come those 15 hungry dogs. That’s why we’re gonna be going’ out to eat.

We’ll chop the head off the goose, and you will have to trick Randy to start eating…
And I’ll break my glasses…
We’ll lose the turkey!…
Grow up and pay taxes…
(Hey hey hey! Hey, you realize you DID get your gun, Ralphie?)
Why don’t you just shut up and sing this song, pal?

Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (It’s the world seen by Ralphie)

R-A-L-P-H-I-E! (everybody!) R-A-L-P-H-I-E!

My name’s Ralphie…and I’m in for it!
Copyright Agrimorfee, 2010.

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 12

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   1
 3   1
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

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Matthias - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
I gotta say when I challenged you to do this, I never thought that you would actually be able to pull it off so I am impressed. It originally was a song that I challenged myself to do a while back after being introduced to it by Red Ant. You did a fantastic movie tribute with this one to a fantastic movie, but you did so much more than that since the original movie was narrated you actually kept the narration from the film and brought it into a Dennis Leary song parody. You need to enter this into SOTM because you are sure to win.
AFW - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Tiptop version of the classic seasonal parodic form...excellent narratives
The CrazyCam - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
I'll start off by saying Denis Leary and A Christmas Story are both awesome. I never thought I'd actually see them both connected (connection itself isn't bad, in fact, I find it pretty cool). The pacing itself is okay, I guess. I mean it's Denis Leary, he has little to no pace. So keeping a good pace, while still having sensible lyrics definitely deserves attention. Well, since I'd find it pretty funny to see Ralphie lose it like this and go on a senseless rant, I'll say humor can actually be very superb. But there's just something missing from this. I can't explain it. Even though I'm giving Pacing/Humor both 3's, I'll give the song a 4 overall because I really would like you to continue this parody. It does need some improvement, but even how it is now is not bad at all, not even mediocre.
2Eagle - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
What would Ralphie want for Christmas in this high tech age?
Peter Andersson - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Pacing this one gotta be up there with Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" on the difficulty scale - so excellent job young Agrimorfee... :-)
Mark Scotti - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Classic...just like the flick!!
Phil Nelson - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Really creative, well written and much better than the original. 5's
Agrimorfee To CrazyCam - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment think I'm gonna try to rewrite it? You must really be CRAZY!
The CrazyCam - March 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Aww, c'mon, Phil. Agrimorfee certainly did a good job, but the awesome mind of Denis Leary shall never be ranked below anyone on this site. NEVER! Oohoo, I am indeed crazy, like the time I took over the Roman was sweet.
The Nerd - March 21, 2010 - Report this comment
Very nice parody. You get fives everywhere.
Porfle Popnecker - June 29, 2012 - Report this comment
This was beautiful!
Abbott Skelding - July 23, 2012 - Report this comment
I love everything about this! The OS, the movie, the F DASH DASH DASH line to match Leary's grunts in the OS...excellent job!
Matthias - July 25, 2012 - Report this comment
Brilliant! I'm so happy to revisit this one again. It was just too perfect. One of my favorite OSes, one of my favorite movies and one of my favorite parody authors makes this one of my favorite parodies.
bobpiecheese - August 05, 2012 - Report this comment
(ABC) The pacing was fantastic, particularly the spoken parts, that takes skill. However, as I have not seen the film this parody was based on (haven't even read a synopsis on the Interwebs), I couldn't get into this parody as much as I'd like. So yeah, well written, but it went completely over my head to to my lack of knowledge of the source material.
Blaydeman - August 09, 2012 - Report this comment
(ABC) That challenge was accepted and conquered! Good stuff Aggy! Very impressive!

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