Folks, I’d like to tell a tale about an American boy. Namely me, it’s all true, about the way our American lives were before our country had any real regrets. About the special feeling we got with Christmas in our hearts…a different kind of Christmas, back in the F.D.R. era—Hammond, Indiana—kids weren’t called ‘latchkeys’—didn’t have television…you don’t know

I’m just a dorky young kid with greasy blonde hair
Share my bedroom with Randy, now is that at all fair?
I like baseball, and jello, and the candy store
Live in a danky old house with linoleum floor
With mom and my dad, my best friend is Schwartz
No I-phone or Apple, and no stinking Walmartz

Now most times this life ain’t enough to keep a kid like me interested (oh no), no way, uh-uh!
I want without doubt, a cool gun as part of my Christmas presents
(Oh yeah) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

That radio show ‘Orphan Annie’ was keen
‘Til they told me to be sure to drink Olvatine!
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)

My dad won a contest, the prize was so neat
A sexy leg-shaped table lamp you could see from the street
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (It’s the world seen by Ralphie)

That jerk, Scut Farkus, he always will chase us
With his mean toady Dill, they make such ugly faces
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (He’s a wimp, name of Ralphie)

I’ve wanted this Christmas present for so long
Scheming and leading my mom and dad on
“You’ll shoot your eye out!”, I think they are wrong…

WAAHHH!
Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (It’s the world seen by Ralphie)

You know what I wanna get? I wanna get myself an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time for Christmas, that would make things all right! Yeah! ‘Cause I’m gonna walk around with that baby every hour on the hour, wearing my big-ass Stetson, shooting down the evil nasty house burglars like Jean Shepard did for his old-fashioned radio fables that old folks all praise of. And when I’m done mowing down those sleazeball burglars I’m gonna stick my tongue on the American flag pole and not need any fire department to my side, and you don’t need to double-dog dare me and nobody else can do it. You know why? Because you guys are dolts, that’s why!

Oh nertz! I wanna get THIS WEAPON, OK? Just-a give-a me the gun right he-uh. You can make me wear the bunny suit anytime you want. You can make me ingest that cake soap nightly for cussing, I don’t care, I’ll take it all and lick it all from my lips, because you are the Mom, OK?! I’m blind in the head, I’m stricken! And later, when you prepare the Christmas dinner, right when you pull out the turkey, Dad’s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Did you remember to shut the back door? Well, inside will come those 15 hungry dogs. That’s why we’re gonna be going’ out to eat.

We’ll chop the head off the goose, and you will have to trick Randy to start eating…
(Hey!)
And I’ll break my glasses…
(Hey!)
We’ll lose the turkey!…
(Hey!)
Grow up and pay taxes…
(Hey hey hey! Hey, you realize you DID get your gun, Ralphie?)
Why don’t you just shut up and sing this song, pal?

Call me Ralphie (He’s a Ralphie, just plain Ralphie)
Call me Ralphie (It’s the world seen by Ralphie)

R-A-L-P-H-I-E! (everybody!) R-A-L-P-H-I-E!
FA-RA-RA-RA, FA-RA-RA-RA!
(F, DASH DASH DASH! F, DASH DASH DASH!)

My name’s Ralphie…and I’m in for it!