Four and sixty minutes ago, in Lavatory's castle
Sat a Lady and maid in the light of the fire
Of matches for the smell
Four thousand piles stood there in the void
Beneath Lavatories castle
And away down there amidst old underwear
Her dirt was falling home
(instr.)
Said the lady to the maid "runs quick be sure
To keep my spore in safety"
And told her to send for tissue again
And keep on buying more
And when you've done have a paperboy come
And relieve me of his purchases
If it is soft then two knocks or two bells
If it is Scott then three

(Ch)Knock, knock, knock came a rap at the door
And a no, no, no, not scratchy
Drum, drum, drum went the beat of her heart
As she leapt from the well steaming seat

M' Ladies maid, she hurried away
To the store M' Lord was riding
And she found him there and told him how
The smear was all but gone
And the Lord he smiled just like a cat,
And told her not to hurry
Her arm would'na reach half way behind
And was slow approaching home*

So, they held, onto their breath
Untill the dark began to fall
Were found by his men and stepped in again
Beneath the rising steam
The enemy stood still with surprise
As gravy flew down on them
He found a few sheets and dispatched it
To wipe and relieve his lady*

By the time her moon had crossed their eyes
The beach was clear and free
Dunlavy turned his horse up the cliff road
To wash the ass of his lady
He passed outside her door in the dark
And slowly pinched his nose
Unaware that his page had been caught
In the face by the smell as he ran

Four and thirty days ago, high in Lavatory's castle
A chambermaid cried out in alarm
At a smell made by nothing at all.