Pass me the collander
over on the counter.
It's the color of white
and it's full of lots of holes.

I remember watching his program.
Took down some recipes.
But there's no way that I'd be
better than Emeril.

When I pulled out the seeds
of the berries I mixed,
something was not quite right
and it was too late to fix.

Flip the pancakes over.
Flip them over again.
But now, something's gone wrong
and I have to start again.
So, I guess I'll start again.

Saw him on the Food Network
just after "Iron Chef".
I try to cook, but I'm not
better than Emeril.

I follow his directions.
I fall a step behind.
Can't really cook, but I am
desperately trying.

Kicked it up one more notch.
Threw in just one more "Bam!"
But I forgot to spray
the cookie sheet with Pam.

Omelets burst on the stove.
Souffles don't stand a chance.
The oven shakes with fear
when I turn it on again.
Then I turn it on again.

His name is Emeril Lagasse.
He is a master cook.
But I am not, so I'm not
better than Emeril.

When you eat my dinners,
you'll need an antacid.
That's Pepto-Bismol that you're
desperately wanting.

Oh, oh, the recipes I got.
Couldn't follow them at all.
Finally figured out what
went into the bowl.

Take out the pies
with cherries inside.
I'll make some more
if you can...
if you can stomach them.

His show is watched by millions.
My own would last a week.
I cook like Neelix, I'm not
better than Emeril.

I cook the most amazing
science experiments.
After they eat, my guests are
deaperately leaving.