Flossing and burping the baby, Gaston
Hooking a rug with some chimps
Moming a rath that's outgrabey, Gaston
Even when waking the gimps

There's no one who doesn't change tires for you
And give you new flavors of pie
Ev'ryone's wearing a wire for you
And the Gish sisters made you a tie

No one's cheap as Gaston
Half a creep as Gaston
Or so totally not worth a (beep) as Gaston

For a token you'd beat Carol Channing
Perk jumping beans in an urn
You could bask in a booth fit for tanning
And they'd baste you with cream till you're done to a turn

No one girns like Gaston
Waters ferns like Gaston
Or keeps up with election returns like Gaston

Just like Elliot Ness, uncapitulating
He's double-ply, that Gaston

His lobster claws
He double dips
Gaston's not impressed
By your dollar store chips

No one faints like Gaston
Body paints like Gaston
Marches in before all of the saints like Gaston

He can dance like a girlie named Fanny
In a tree he can swing by his hair
Ten times fitter is he than Vic Tanny
He'll never be caught without clean underwear

No one barfs like Gaston
Doggy arfs like Gaston
Watches BBC sitcoms and larfs like Gaston

He uncannily knows when the hogs need mating
Soo-eee!
Pen pals for Gaston!

Whenever he's sad he sits up and he begs
For a back rub from his Auntie Marge
And then he gets high smoking hair from his legs
While he waits for his cell phone to charge

No one farts like Gaston
Shops at marts like Gaston
Or refuses to patronize arts like Gaston

He wears pants that are thoroughly self-inflating
Via the fly,
Gaston!

ALTERNATE CHORUSES:

No one barks like Gaston
Outruns sharks like Gaston
Or so easily parallel parks like Gaston

No one primps like Gaston
De-veins shrimps like Gaston
Or so thoroughly wakes up the Gimps like Gaston

No one cries like Gaston
Rolls his eyes like Gaston
Or so melodramatically dies like Gaston

No one poops like Gaston
Swishes hoops like Gaston
Changes trivia answers to "Moops" like Gaston

No one burps like Gaston
Throne usurps like Gaston
Judges cosplay of mass Wyatt Earps like Gaston

No one wastes like Gaston
Uses pastes like Gaston
On Thanksgiving, so skillfully bastes like Gaston

No one stalks like Gaston
Jonas Salks like Gaston
Goes on nature-appreciative walks like Gaston

No one screams like Gaston
Lucid dreams like Gaston
Aptly names Ben and Jerry ice creams like Gaston

No one snores like Gaston
Drops his drawers like Gaston
Fronts a tribute band based on The Doors like Gaston

No one croons like Gaston
Passes prunes like Gaston
Informs Neo that there are no spoons like Gaston