Ladies and gentlemen, with no class since you’ve been 11--buy jet skis.
If I could offer you one tip, jet skis would be it.
The comedic benefits of jet skis have been proven by idiots because they don’t heed my advice when their blood alcohol level is past the legal drunk driving limits…Let me add this other advice now.

Endure the agony and ecstasy of truth. Come to mind, you will not be able to handle the agony and ecstasy of truth until it’s been wasted.
But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look in the mirror at yourself and try to find a way to clutch at straws, and get a plastic surgeon to restore you to the fabulous way you think you looked.
You are as fat as people think you are.

Yes, worry about the future; just worry, you know that worrying is as simple as hitting the snooze button on your bleeping alarm clock at 6am. The big troubles in life simply will be things that you never thought would happen to you---like a car that blindsides you at 4pm outside a Ruby Tuesday.

Let small things everyday just scare you.

Do be reckless while driving in your car. Don’t put up with people who are reckless in theirs.

Boss.

Do take all that you can in consumption. Sometimes you’ll be fed; sometimes you’re hungry. Gluttony’s wrong, but in the end, you can live with yourself.

Remember compliments that deceive. Covet the insults. If you can’t really understand this, leave here now.

Keep your old band T-shirts. Throw away your old film treatments.

Belch.

Don’t feel pity for those who don’t know what to do with their lives. The most successful people I know were doing what they wanted to do at 22 with the rest of their lives. All of the most boring 40 year-olds I know still don’t.

Take plenty of aspartame.

Be wary of bees, they’ll sting you in the ass.

If you want to marry, maybe you shouldn’t. If you want to have children, maybe you shouldn’t. They’ll look for handouts up to age 40. And they will dance the funky chicken on your grave when you croak on your 75th birthday. But if you DO, don’t congratulate the brat too much, they’ll just blame it all on you later. Your children are half hers, so that’s why they are mostly dunces.

Mess up your body, abuse it as much as you can…Go ahead and re-shape it or mutilate it…it’s the greatest art medium since Play-Doh.

Lance…but please just take care of that boil in your own private room.

Don’t read directions, even if your wife is right about them.

Do not read Playboy magazines; they will only make you feel horny.

(Chorus)
Brother and sister together, we all are doomed
Someday the Reaper will take you and leave you bare
I see you’ve been whining, and I am laughing right now at you
And I’ll just sit here, helping myself wherever I can.

Get to know your parents—they could be found in Riker’s Island or at bigtatas.com
Give hell to your siblings, they’re the first to stink up your past and the people most likely to stick it to you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the rich ones, you should cling on. Work hard to clamp your lips to their anatomy where the sun don’t shine because the more you hang with them, the more free meals and other handouts you could cadge.

Live in some big city once, and swear you’ll leave because you’re poor. Visit Southern California once, but leave because it made you sick.

Grovel.
Accept many unreturnable bribes. Hemlines still rise, processed food will get blander, and we will all freeze when it’s cold. And when we’re through, you’ll realize that when you were young, prices always were up the roof, politicians would throw bull, and children all spat on their elders.
Dislocate your shoulders.
Expect everyone else to adore you. Maybe you have a cute butt, maybe you have pouty breasts, just make sure to keep watch because either one may crap out.

Put lots of gunk in your hair, be it dye, placenta or Alberto VO5.

Be careful which hot dogs you buy; be sure there’s no horse meat in it.
Advice is a form of neuralgia, and giving it is a way of making you look like an a******, shrugging it off, claiming that in spite of all your ugly parts, you are older and that you have some worth.

So trust me on the jet skis.

(Chorus)