It's been nine months since we did the deed
We had sex-you've been carrying my seed
Eight months since you've had to bleed
Warnings on the box that we both just did not heed
Six months since we told your folks
I'm really getting tired of your old man's bad jokes
Just today you felt like you peed
But now your water's broken; it is your time indeed

Grab your bag and keep your head clear
And I'll get the car, dear
You'll think you're riding with dale earnhardt
I'll slam pedal to metal and get you to the hospital
Now don't you panic
Cause I know the fastest route by heart
We're gonna make it, don't you worry
Hon, don't you trust me
Should be no traffic on the road
Oh, no, hon, got to get gas
Breathe, those pains will pass
You look like you're about to explode
Gonna have to speed and pay no heed
Instead of follow gonna lead
Feel like an outlaw kinda like eastwood's josie wales
I can't find third gear; should be right here
Hon, do you think that you could steer?
Curse these eighteen wheelers;
Move too slow just like big snails

Hon, can I help it if I thought the cop here would get it
Once I explained I thought he'd forget it
He's one of those guys who can't have a family
Can't understand why he's mean
Hon, we're here now
I'll get an orderly to help you to a wheelchair
I'll park the suv and be right behind you

It's been ten hours since the doctor came
Went to look for him but didn't know his name
Three hours since you asked for drugs
Sure seems the staff is moving slow as slugs
Been sixteen hours since I've had some food
I asked for a menu and I was treated real rude
Rest easy, hon, I'll be right back
You see I'm hungry and I need to go find a snack

Kentucky fried, hon, the popcorn chicken
You want a handful? hey, they're finger lickin
Don't be silly-doesn't matter-already fatter
Let go; throw caution right to the wind
Want burger king, hon? how 'bout a whopper?
A smoothie topper
From wendy's? really like the chocolate ones
Or from mcdonald's? how 'bout french fries?
Ok, you don't want fries
And you'll kill me if I don't find a nurse
Gonna get your doctor now, hon,
Gonna make sure he's on the run, so don't curse
Loudly cause it's kinda getting me a bit scared
Gotta get her calm; she's like her mom
Both start naming me and blaming me for all wrongs
I've now done all that I've dared

Hon, I can't help it;
Think you look funny when you're in pain
Trying hard not to scream and go insane
You're the kinda gal who needs and epidural
Don't know what I mean? so sue me
I have a tendancy to laugh when I get nervous
I have a bad habit of fainting at blood

It's been one hour since you birthed our son
Changed your first thoughts that he'd be our only one
Some time 'til he's potty trained
By the time he's done with college
Our accounts will be drained
Two days 'til we bring him home
Just realized we've both grown up-isn't that insane?
It's gas or he just smiled at me
Who knew that having kids would make us both so happy
He just pooped in his pants; time to change his nappy
When he grows up I'd like him to call me "pappy"
He seems feisty so let's call him "scrappy"