KARL ROVE
If he had a trillion dollars

GEORGE W. BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd buy you a tank

BUSH
I would buy you a tank

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
He'd buy you some weaponry for your tank

BUSH
Maybe a nice M-16 or an Uzi

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd buy you a Cobra

BUSH
A nice, reliant flying machine

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

CABINET
We'd buy your vote!
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
I'd ignore the public, just like my dad

CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
And I wouldn't give a shit if they got mad

CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars

BARACK OBAMA
Maybe we could find a cure for AIDS in Africa sometime?

DONALD RUMSFELD
Geez, why would we do that? That's stupid.

JOHN ASHCROFT
Who cares about Africa? Let's cure AIDS here, with a war on homosexuality!

JERRY FALWELL/PAT ROBERTSON
Yeah! (they high-five)

BUSH
One thing at a time, boys. We'll save that for after the invasion.

CONDOLEEZZA RICE
Liberation.

BUSH
Whatever.

ROVE
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd find you some nukes

BUSH
But not some real nukes, cuz that's bull

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd start another war

BUSH
Yup, like in I-ran or in Canada

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd buy you some Arab's remains

BUSH
Ooh, all them crazy terrorist bones

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

CABINET
We'd buy your vote!
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
I wouldn't spend it on Darfur

CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
I would go after Saddam, cuz he sucks more

CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars

OBAMA
Let's give poor kids a decent dinner!

DICK CHENEY
Hey, that's not a bad idea. We need to strengthen up a whole new generation of American soldiers.

TED OLSON
But . . . does Obama get the credit for thinking that up?

CHENEY
(snort) Like hell he does!

(they all laugh)

ROVE
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd find some anthrax

BUSH
But not real anthrax, cuz that's bull

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd buy you some oil

BUSH
Light sweet crude, and maybe canola

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

ROVE
Well, he'd back up Mitt Romney

BUSH
Haven't you always wanted Mitt Romney?

ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars

CABINET
We'd buy your vote!
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars

BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars

CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars . . .

ALL EXCEPT OBAMA
We would win!